The other day, me and H were talking about the past and I mentioned him leaving me. He said he didnt technically. I asked him to after he said he didnt have it in him to try and after a year of treating me like an enemy (in the middle of his A). That got me thinking if I was wrong to insist he had to move out right before Christmas because I couldnt handle walking on eggshels anymore. I think, it was the wisest emotional decision I made. If he had stayed in the house for any longer, granted I felt they way you describe, tired and "abused", I would have either ended up heavily medicated or in prison for killing him...
It is obvious you need a break and time on your own. What you have been doing isnt working. I dont care what they say about not separating. I think sometimes it is the only way to calm down. And it actually gives both partners the ability to think straight. All this struggle and effort no matter how detached we think we are is VERY emotional and stressful.
Step back. Calm down, get your energy back, enjoy yourself. You take it from there when you are ready. K
I'm glad you shared a specific incident. That makes it easier to understand the dynamics in your marriage.
That evening prior to leaving she spent about two hours constantly nagging me to be ready. . . . I kept my cool, bit my tongue and let it be. I'm used to it afterall.
Is that what you've always done or at some point in the past tell her you are feeling nagged and please knock it off?
After two hours of nagging topped off with a tongue-lashing(for being less than a handul of minutes late) we finally get in the car. Note, I was cool and didn't let this bother me. This behavior is par for the course, expected and flies by without registering.
Are you sure it didn't register? When you characterize it as a tongue-lashing, it sounds like it did register.
As we drive off Surprise #1 is sprung: SIL is joining us. My W knows that I dislike SIL with a passion.
Very uncool thing for her to do.
I hold my tongue. We then have to wait in the street for ten minutes until SIL emerges and gets into the car. No excuse made, no reprimand given.
Different standard for SIL eh?
I did the only thing I could do. Sat on the pavement to wait until the show ended. I spent the time smoking and praying (yeah, contradictory... I know)
Not really. Both of those things calm me down. I'll have to try smoking while praying.
They were waiting for me inside the church and had kept a seat for me. A thing to note here is that the church is one of those modern ones that seats over a thousand people... so WAS logic defines that I should have gone in and waded through a thousand or so people to find them.
Or possibly they were in there early enough that there weren't that many people yet so if you had been able to get in, you might have seen them. Also, even in a crowded auditorium, they may well have been able to spot you walking in the aisle. I don't think that part was completely illogical.
She was blabbing excuses and getting backup from SIL who apparently did me the great service or standing up and looking for me inside.
The thing that really stands out to me is that you got excuses rather than apologies, i.e. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking that maybe . . . [what could be going on out there]"
If I had been anyone else, a friend, even a casual aquantance, she would not have sat comfortably in a chair. She would have walked around until she found that person and then would lead them to the seats.
I agree. A mix-up of this sort can happen sometimes despite the best intentions of everyone. Yet, I cannot imagine just sitting there as the show begins when I hadn't yet connected with my spouse, or any member of my party. The only courteous thing to do was go looking for you.
Some will call it abuse or find a fancy psycho-babblic term for it. I call it indifference.
It wasn't very thoughtful of your W to not try to find you, but I don't think it matters who was supposed to do what it that situation. It's her chatter in the car that really got you. She was being inconsiderate, and you were not expecting that.
I'm tired of trying to understand. I'm tired of validating. I'm tired of biting my tongue and being the reasonable one. I'm tired of the endless nagging for the most insignificant little things. I'm tired of being the villain. I'm tired of my SIL poisoning the well. I'm tired of the ridiculous double standards. I'm tired of being the villain. I'm tired of bowing down to her. I'm tired of.... many more things than I have the patience to write out here.
Its time to cut loose. Give her what she wants and hope she is happy. I know I will be.
EDIT: I think this is what we call battle fatigue.
It's your list, stick to it.
Cut the leash, I think you know what i mean.
You've reached your threshold of tolerance and you're full, no one can ask you to do anymore if your cup is overflowing, you're not a machine, you're a human being.
There is a beauty in realizing and acknowledging that you've reached your limits in these areas.
Now you get to learn how to use the word STOP! and you can say things like I'VE DECIDED THAT I'VE GONE THROUGH THIS LONG ENOUGH, I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE!
I started off this morning by doing a drive-by on everyone's threads to post my well wishes for you... and came to the conclusion that if I post a message on everyone's thread it will take me all day. So I'll post here on my own thread.
Yeah... the residual effects of wine and a cloggy brain... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
I wish you peace of mind and pray that you are surrounded by loving, caring and supportive people over the next few days. I hope you have a calm, enjoyable day and are at peace in the midst of this turmoil we're all going through. Make today a great day because only you can do it.
For this evening I wish you a wonderful, warm, cozy and comfortable environment where you can relax and enjoy all the blessings life has bestowed on you. It may not seem like it, but they're there. All you have to do is look for them.
For tomorrow I wish you a fantastic, fun-filled day with loved ones.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kala Xristougena, Feliz Natal.
