My H is online, on his yahoo messenger. I stay logged in all the time - a habit I developed while he was deployed. You sleep with your cell phone and computer both on and within arm's reach, praying you get contact with them.
I just sat staring at that stupid little icon for awhile. He knows I'm here, and he doesn't want to IM me. Usually I buzz him to say hi as soon as he gets on. But I haven't. I haven't IM'ed him at all. I just sit here looking at that stupid "online" icon and want to cry.
We were better in our marriage when he was thousands of miles away risking his life every day! Now when he can pick up the phone or e-mail anytime he wants, when he can contact me every day, he doesn't care anymore. God, I'm so angry! And hurt. And he doesn't know and doesn't care. Grrrr...
And I've stopped trying to get him to call his sons too, btw. I used to ask him every time we talked to please call them even if he didn't want to talk to me. They are so little and they miss him so much! But he never calls them, and I do mean never. So I stopped asking.
I am a writer. I have only done some small stuff for a local paper, but I'm pretty good. And I want to do the big stuff...you know, books. I'm developing an idea right now. Have any of you ever read romance novels or watched what passes for love on tv? It's crap! It's no wonder affairs seem so appealing (not an excuse, but there you have it); we're inundated by the idea that love is supposed to be always exciting, romantic, and flawless. SO I've been sort of thinking...what if I wrote novels based on our stories here? I don't know any real names, so it won't be exposing someone. And what if people could read real stories of love and commitment? What if they could read about love that walks through fire? And I want to tell the stories whether they end in reconciliation or divorce. Because the main point isn't whether or not we all end up happily back with our spouses. This journey is about coming through this as healthier, stronger individuals.
Maybe people wouldn't read them. But I, for one, am sick of "happily ever after" stories. They all lie. So somebody weigh in on my crazy idea. It definitely falls under the "ask three" rule.
Thank you, all my new friends, for walking this road with me and holding me up when I can't stand alone. I'd never make it without you.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
So, just for argument's sake, can't you bust your h's A the way he did yours? Doesn't his career mean anything to him? It must!
I mean, I find it hard to believe that he would want to lose that. I know you're scared that too, but why should you care more about it than he does? If you guys D, he's going to have to pay to support 3 little kids.
And that's what breaks my heart. Your kids are so young. How can anyone not care? I just don't get it.
I may have to eventually go after my H's career. But I need it to be a last resort. I have no job right now. Everything is sort of in limbo-land until I get moved to AZ. And I have a felony on my record. I'm sometimes terrified I'll never get a job again. I stole money from an employer. I own it, I committed a crime, I went to jail, I paid my debt. Yeah, pretty much never going to get a job again.
But I intend to try once I get moved. If I can get my own income and a little bit of independence I will be more confident about going the military discipline route.
At the moment he hates the military. He went in when I got pregnant with our oldest. And we can't really afford to have him be an idiot and screw that all up. We need the insurance...and paying bills is sort of nice too.
Kimmie, the thing is, the A clouds everything. I should know.
His sons are great - they're fun to play with and take care of...when it's convenient to him. But the A is the main focus of his life right now. Anything that doesn't fit his little "let's-play-pretend" life has to be shoved to the back of his mind.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Undefeated ~ you might be surprised about the job. My sister has felony and she's had many jobs...(maybe she lies on app when asked if she ever had a felony?) haha..but I think it's possible. BTW...she's your age too (thankfully single..no kids)
As far as the kids...I know it's hard..I have 3 kids too and H can never stick to a schedule so I stopped having one because it sets us all up for disappointment. You have to let go of those expectations. The more we think "how could a man not want to see his kids?", the more hurt we will create for ourselves. This is how "we" feel, not necessarily how our H's feel. Sure, a good father/H wouldn't do that but maybe it's the only thing H is capable of right now in his "fog"?
You should start writing...sounds great..do something for you and try to focus on you and your kids, hence - DETACH.
Somebody tell me that I can't just ditch my kids with my parents, empty my husband's checking account, change my name, and drive away! Because right now that sounds wonderful.
It's not just this stupid A, though let me say that sure puts me in a wonderful mood too. It's everything. I'm so sick of being responsible for everything.
So in addition to just plain being stressed out of my mind, I just had to call my H. I got an e-mail from the military saying we can't have another extension on the storage of our household goods. Great, because it's really my fault that I can't get housing. And so now it will have to be moved to a storage unit unless we miraculously get a house. I'm not holding my breath. So I call my H, and I couldn't muster the energy to sound upbeat. So I just tell him about the e-mail, say "I thought you would want to know. Bye." And then I hung up. He could obviously tell I'm upset, but surprise, surprise, he didn't say a word. I'm so sick of feeling utterly alone in the real world.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
R-i-g-h-t...so obviously still roller-coastering with my emotions. Yikes!
The following is a message I sent to my husband. I know it's forever long, but you may just get a laugh out of it. I know I did!
Message:
Hey, I just sent this e-mail to your mom. I figured there might be some fallout so you deserved a heads up. Have a great Day!
MIL,
You seem to feel very strongly about people who act disrespectfully. I find that very interesting for many reasons. First of all, let me thank you for the highly amusing little feud you and H staged on Facebook recently. Amazing, isn’t it, how two adults can bicker so publicly over matters that they haven’t been able to resolve privately for years? It seems so much more likely that they would have come to some sort of common ground by drawing as much attention as possible from all their family and online friends. Interesting how that didn’t work out…
But I believe I was discussing disrespect. You decided to un-friend H on Facebook because his discussions were disrespectful. And yet, how much do you respect us?
Knowing very well that H and I do not approve of electronic toys, you bought the boys a guitar that lights up and plays music. You didn’t ask us if that would be alright. You ignored and disrespected our wishes concerning what is and is not an appropriate toy. If I had been consulted it’s feasible I might have considered the idea and been flexible. There are exceptions to most rules, but it’s generally good practice to establish the exceptions ahead of time.
Then you attempted to guilt me into allowing the boys to take the guitar home, despite my displeasure that you bought it in the first place. Cajoling, pleading, insisting, or otherwise attempting to compel me to change my answer, especially while in my children’s presence is also disrespectful. I am the parent; you are not. If my children see you attempt to get your way by unacceptable means they will follow suit.
You also knew that there is no way I would have allowed S4 to eat chocolate pie at breakfast time. Ever. The closest food to “dessert” he is ever allowed in the morning is a poptart. The same goes for eating jelly all by itself at any time of day. Sweets are not a normal part of the children’s diet – I am attempting to avoid some of the health and weight issues I myself have suffered. Regardless of that specific information, you cannot make me believe you thought I would agree to that if I had been sitting next to him. Knowing what I consider unacceptable behavior and allowing it anyway is disrespectful.
The chocolate pie “treat” backfired in more ways than one. I have spent a lot of time baking recently for our holiday celebrations. All the children are allowed small tastes of these goodies – it’s the holidays for them too. However, last night as S4 got ready for bed he asked for a cookie. When I responded that no, he would have to wait until the following day, he immediately said he would have one for breakfast. He was not asking – he was stating a fact as he saw it. This is a direct result of seeing something he wants, demanding it, and then receiving it. When I again responded that cookies were treats and not breakfast, I was “treated” myself – to 30 minutes of kicking, screaming, and crying in an attempt to get his way. During that charming 30 minute tirade the phrase “mamaw says yes!” was screamed four or five times.
You do not have the authority to override my rules. Admittedly I have been too lax until now, apparently not making myself clear enough about the boundaries. You cannot allow any of the boys to come crying to you expecting sympathy and/or an answer they like when I have said “no.” It has happened in your home and in mine. I should never have allowed it, period. When I give an answer to any of my kids, you will either support that decision or stay out of the situation entirely. Undermining my authority with my children is disrespectful.
I will also demand the respect of deciding when I will answer my phone. I have caller ID; I am well aware it is you when you call. If I wish to answer your call I will. If you get my voicemail it means I am busy, away from my phone, or uninterested in speaking to whoever is on the other end of the line. Leave a message and I will return the call if and when I am interested. Unless there is a genuine emergency, please refrain from calling my parents’ house. That is their number, the way they are to be reached. I currently reside here, but it is not acceptable to circumvent my unanswered cell phone by dialing my parents’ house. That is their number; I have my own. And before you point out that I often call both your cell and home phones attempting to reach you – those are both direct lines to you, not someone else. Even if I knew you were at so-and-so’s house from the Kingdom Hall, I would not call them trying to find you except in an emergency.
Playing the injured party doesn’t get you far either, by the way. Bemoaning how infrequently you see the children, both on the phone and online is ridiculous. As are the teary, heartbroken postings to Facebook after the boys leave your company. You have never gone more than a period of months without their presence, and they talk to you on the phone frequently. As they get older they will also be allowed to write and e-mail (I’m sure they will have those capabilities as soon as they can read) as often as they choose. Again, guilt is not a quality method of gaining my compliance. I was raised Catholic – we have the market on guilt trips cornered. I saw my extended family approximately once every five years growing up. My niece sees her grandparents no more than several times a year. Very few people have the privilege of almost constant contact with their grandchildren you have had. Using guilt as a motivator is disrespectful.
This one dates a little further back, but as long as I’m on a roll I figure I’ll get it out from under my skin too. Shortly after H and I married, I took at trip with you, Grandma, Uncle, and Aunt to a casino somewhere near NE. At that time I was too young to go in. Grandma and I sat in the restaurant. Upon returning you excitedly told us how you had won around $50 and Uncle had won a couple hundred. When we got back to North Platte I commented on your gambling luck in front of both FIL and H. Your immediate response was that you hadn’t been gambling; it’s against your beliefs. Your hypocrisy is your business with your god, I suppose, although it nauseates me. But never again dare call me a liar when I am not.
You also do not have the authority to take my children for any medical care without consulting me first. That includes prescriptions, over-the-counter medications, or herbal remedies. Again, I want to reiterate – I am their mother. No one is ever to treat my minor child without my permission. If you have somehow been managing this with an outdated medical release or medical power of attorney, consider it hereby revoked. And if any doctor has been treating my son without the aforementioned written medical consent of a parent, I hope he understands the possible legal ramifications of that choice. The one exception is in an emergency situation in which my child’s life is at stake. And at that time I expect you to honor the wishes of his parents to the best of your abilities until we are reached. We know how you feel about transfusions (for example), but we don’t agree. There’s a long list of medical issues on which we wouldn’t see eye to eye. Which is one of many very good reasons to avoid the issue. If you didn’t ask me, don’t put it in his body.
Please cease posting pictures and/or videos of the boys online without express permission from Josh or me. They are my children and I wish to ensure that content – which once it has been sent out on the web can never be taken back – containing them is something I don’t mind the whole world being privy too. It’s not that I specifically object to pictures of them online – my profile picture on Facebook is of Damien. But it would be respectful to ask at least one of their parents before sharing such videos and photos so publicly. If you want to e-mail them directly to family and friends I find that less objectionable. But social networking sites are extremely public and I think I should have some say in what if any images of my children appear there.
Both Josh and I find your religious beliefs objectionable. We accept that they are your beliefs and your right. And it is our right to raise our children away from what we consider schools of thought that are extremist and/or dangerous. They will be exposed to a wide range of ideologies over time as we feel they are prepared to investigate them. They will have a thorough education in theology and many other subjects. We have already begun, thanks to the Christmas season, to explain and help them understand that different people look at the same experiences different ways. But they will not be taught to parrot beliefs and doctrines before they are capable of analyzing them objectively. Both Josh and I had the heart-warming experience of being expected to memorize and regurgitate predetermined “truth” from a very young age. And what it got us was years of turmoil, unhappiness, and confusion. I admire him for having the strength to walk away many years before I did. I will not put my own sons in that position – feeling they must at least pretend to believe in a specific god or suffer the wrath of family and deity alike. You are not to attempt to influence their spiritual growth in any way. If they ask you questions you would prefer to answer religiously, you may either say they need to talk to their parents or avoid the question. When they are grown I will accept any spiritual choice my sons make for themselves, whether that is becoming a Buddhist monk, an atheist, or even a Jehovah’s Witness. But they will make those choices after growing up with open minds able to examine the strengths and weaknesses of doctrines each claiming to be the “right” path.
If you do not agree with my decisions, that is your prerogative. But you will respect them. I gathered that respect was of importance not only in your religion but in your personal expectations as well. H disrespected you in a public forum and you shunned him publicly, though that was by no means the first time. I have sent you this e-mail privately – it seemed more respectful. Consider carefully if the actions you take toward our family show the same respect. I will have my sons grow up as respectful individuals, and I will choose the role models to which they are exposed accordingly.
You may certainly still call them, and they you. We do not deny them access to the phone if they wish to call. And please feel free to continue sending them cards – they really enjoy getting mail. You are even welcome to continue talking to me, so long as the conversation remains civil, though aside from the boys I doubt we have much to discuss. This letter is not intended to cut you out of our family. However, I think it is long past time to clearly define respectful behavior between grandparents and parents, grandparents and grandchildren, and especially parents-in-law with daughters-in-law.
ME
People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned. ~James Baldwin
Ok, I know that was really, really long, but I seriously have not stopped laughing since I wrote it. I got a backbone! I let my H know that there might be some nastiness coming his way. His parents tend to try the "divide and conquer" strategy with me and my H. Even during our worst times it never works, but still I thought he deserved to see what's coming at him so he'll be able to back me up better.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I don't see the humor in it. I see someone pushing away everyone near her. Those kids aren't yours exclusively. You are building a fire under him to speed up a divorce and joint custody. What they eat when they are with him will not be your concern. And you will have to live with it. Better check your tarot cards again.
Lotus, I believe you may have misread. This is a letter to my in-laws concerning their disrespect of choices my H and I have made together concerning our kids. I simply sent it to my H to let him know his mom might be calling him royally ticked off at me!
While I know that pushing away my in-laws may be a result, it is a risk I have to take. I have allowed them to walk all over me since before I married. I am learning to define boundaries. My H and I are 100% on the same page with everything I said in that e-mail to my MIL. He despises his parents btw. They are just barely on speaking terms at all. We've discussed it extensively. Or rather, I've complained to my H what a pain his mom is and he has agreed. But I have never done anything about it before. I suppose I expected him to do or say something since they're his parents. And I let it go on for five (close to six!) years, just doing more of the same and hoping for different results. Quite silly. I was doing a 180 - we'll see how it goes. Change the action; change the result.
Absolutely nothing I do is an attempt to speed a divorce - it's the last thing I want. Half the point of making these changes is to show my husband the strong, beautiful, decisive woman he stands to lose. The other half of the point is to prove it to me.
LOL. Check my tarot cards, eh? Have they been whispering to you as well? I don't need them to "see" you have a lot of anger - I think it's misdirected at me. But hey, we all need a target once in awhile. I can take it.
The humor, for me, comes from finally being able to say what I think, to allow myself to be in control of my own life/marriage/parenting rather than just doing what is expected of me and allowing others to control me with what is "socially acceptable." I also enjoyed the irony of explaining that for people who value respect so highly, they almost never respect my H or me.
I think that if you read my thread more carefully you might notice some flaws in your response. You certainly don't have to - that is up to you.
P.S. - Where is your thread, Lotus? I couldn't find it when I looked.
Last edited by undefeated; 12/24/0907:18 PM. Reason: additional question
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I stole money from an employer. I own it, I committed a crime, I went to jail, I paid my debt. Yeah, pretty much never going to get a job again.
I was doing a 180 - we'll see how it goes. Change the action; change the result.
Absolutely nothing I do is an attempt to speed a divorce - it's the last thing I want. Half the point of making these changes is to show my husband the strong, beautiful, decisive woman he stands to lose. The other half of the point is to prove it to me.