I like the card, and the fact you felt good about it the next day tells you that it was the right thing to do.
Have a very merry Christmas, and thank you for your support in particular over the past couple months. Much appreciated! Enjoy your children and remember to count your blessings! There is much to be thankful for.
I do need a healthy dose of self-esteem, but it's hard to get it when so many important things in your life are so messed up! - antlers
This is victim speak. Victims say things are done to them. - GIMA
On the contrary, I was the root cause of most of them! And I've beat myself up for over a year now, and it hasn't helped the situation one bit. And I've eaten alot of sh!t from her too during this time...tons of it! I validated, and I owned it. I had to be honest with myself though in order to get better and learn. Don't you think it's been enough time of validating and eating plate after plate of sh!t?
Man, it is NEVER just 1 person who brings about a D (unless you are talking about abuse/chronic infidelity/substance abuse). Own your part, and I mean 50%, make your needed changes, then forgive yourself. As much as you want to, you cannot change the past.
Another thought for you. If you made the changes you needed to make, and she still doesn't want you, what does that tell you? Maybe YOU are less a part of the reason she is unhappy than you thought. And maybe, if you had been the H she claims she wanted over the years, she would still be where she is today.
At a certain point, after enough plates of sh1t, you just have to say enough, I've done all I can. And if that's not good enough for you, I cannot help you out of your unhappiness.
What has your W done to work on the M? Has she changed at all? Has she lifted a finger to improve the things she, no doubt, needs to change?
Think it through man.
Hey GIMA.
I do own my part, and in all honesty, it was the majority. I can't heal by not being honest. I'm not a martyr...just honest. I have, and still am making changes. Good ones. I've forgiven myself a bunch, but still have a ways to go. The past is hard to live with because of how I was.
It tells me what she has said to me...too late. She had already quit the marriage when I decided to make the changes that she had wanted me to do all along. Smartcookie describes it well in her recent thread.
Agreed. After so much, you do just have to say 'enough'...'I've done all I can'. That's where I'm at now. I hate it...but it's a reality.
She has done nothing to work on it because she quit it months before she actually left. She has done the same thing I have as far as losing weight and getting in shape and improving our looks. Sometimes it can't be saved...BOTH have to want it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Just trying to get used to the finality of it, and dealing with the thoughts of me being by myself for a long time,
This is where mindfulness and Learned Optimism can help you.
Couple ways I look at thoughts like these, as we all have them, especially us LBS.
1) Ultimately, we are always alone, we share our experience with others, and would like to share it with people we love, but we create a 'reality' and image of people that is our interpretation of someone. You can never truly be or know anyone but yourself. That's evident in our sitch's where we thought we new everything about our spouses, but we didn't. Thinking about that, it seems kind of 'heavy' but that has helped me in grappling with the reality of where we are.
2) Your thoughts like these are just thoughts, they are NOT reality, they exist only in your mind. You can not predict the future, so how do you know you will be by yourself for a long time? You can't.
Quote:
They may be irrational thoughts, but right now they are the kind of thoughts I'm having.
Just thoughts. Accept them as they come, and let them pass through, or you'll stay stuck here.
Repeat:
You can not change the past.
You can not predict the future.
You exist only in the present. Stay in the present.
Hey iwantittowork.
I appreciate your posts. I didn't want this awful stuff that I've been dealing with, but it's what I got. I'm trying to handle it the best I can, and I'm learning as I go. I want to be strong, love my kids, and get through this with strength, honor, and dignity...and compassion. Compassion for MYSELF as well as others.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You are correct. If you BOTH aren't trying to make the M work, I see no way it can.
You sound good this morning. You, like me, will still be up and down a bit b/c we both wanted our M's to work. Who knows what the future holds for either of us. I just know whether my W is in it or not, it WILL be better. So will your's.
You are correct. If you BOTH aren't trying to make the M work, I see no way it can.
You sound good this morning. You, like me, will still be up and down a bit b/c we both wanted our M's to work. Who knows what the future holds for either of us. I just know whether my W is in it or not, it WILL be better. So will your's.
Thanks man. I believe that very thing.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I like the card, and the fact you felt good about it the next day tells you that it was the right thing to do.
Have a very merry Christmas, and thank you for your support in particular over the past couple months. Much appreciated! Enjoy your children and remember to count your blessings! There is much to be thankful for.
Mornin' mnt_dreams.
And thank you for your support too. I hope the holidays are as great for you as they can be.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I want to be strong, love my kids, and get through this with strength, honor, and dignity...and compassion. Compassion for MYSELF as well as others.
You don't have to 'want to be', you are! We see it here in your posts, the strength, the honor, the dignity and compassion.
Thank You. It's a pisser...this first Christmas with a shattered family.
Or, the first Christmas for you to make some NEW traditions with you and kids. And you and YOU. Your family isn't going away, it's just getting re-defined. Still painful, but you still have "your" family.
