Update from yesterday, which included a significant conversation, for me at least. In-laws rolled into town - they are staying at a hotel.
On Tuesday, W took kids to the zoo with another friend of S9's. She had told me another child who was visiting from out of town would be joining them as well. The visiting child, and his father, knows my W's step brother. What I had not been told before the zoo trip was that visiting child's father (who has been M'd twice, and I think is currently D'd) was also going. The visiting child's father is friends with W's step-brother and W (she has known him since before me). I found out visiting child's father went when S9 told me who went. This bothered me but I did not know the best way to handle it.
Yesterday, I received a call from a friend who is going through a D - his W and my W are friends (but maybe for not much longer). Friend and his W were arguing yetsreday, and his W blurted out during the argument that my W and her L were going to take me to the cleaners in the D and that I was an abusive drunk towards my W. WTF?
After getting some great advice from a good friend, I knew I had to talk to W about these issues. So, when I came home yesterday, in-laws had already arrived. W went to a different floor of the house alone, so I decided now was the time to discuss these things. I went to where she was and said I needed to talk about two things. First, I thought she needed to know what her "friend" was saying about us and told W what her friend said. I told W I hoped she was not doing what her friend said and that I did not think W would do something like that - lawyering up and trying to take advantage of me. W said she had repeatedly told her friend to stop talking about us and that she could no longer be friends with this person now. W at least gave the appearance that she was angry with her friend. W then said her friend's H could be lying to me - I agreed that was possible (anyone can lie about anything, and I wasn't there for the conversation) but added he has no reason to lie to me and nothing to gain by lying to me, which is true. W did not have a reply to that. W repeated that she would have a talk with her friend and that she could no longer be her friend. I said, again, I was merely passing along what I had been told and that I thought the statements were hurtful and offensive.
Second, I told W that I did not know that visiting child's father would be at the zoo, and that I should have been told beforehand. I told W I did not think she was on a date or that she was up to no good (and I don't, but the radar is up quite a bit higher now). She said her step brother had called her and asked if visiting child and his father could go to the zoo with them since they would be visiting from out of town. I said, again, I was not told the father would be there and that I should have been - the issue is that I was not told. W then said she had known this child's father for a long time (which I knew). I said again, calmly, that the problem I had was that she had not told me before the zoo trip that he would be there.
I maintained my composure the entire time during the discussion, not once losing my cool. And when it was done, I felt better. I said what I needed to say, not in a condemning way, but in a "I have a problem with this and here is what I expect to happen in the future...Do not do these things again" kind of way.
