A cheated cheater

[undefeated]

R-i-g-h-t...so obviously still roller-coastering with my emotions. Yikes!

The following is a message I sent to my husband. I know it's forever long, but you may just get a laugh out of it. I know I did!

Message:

Hey, I just sent this e-mail to your mom. I figured there might be some fallout so you deserved a heads up. Have a great Day!

MIL,

You seem to feel very strongly about people who act disrespectfully. I find that very interesting for many reasons. First of all, let me thank you for the highly amusing little feud you and H staged on Facebook recently. Amazing, isn’t it, how two adults can bicker so publicly over matters that they haven’t been able to resolve privately for years? It seems so much more likely that they would have come to some sort of common ground by drawing as much attention as possible from all their family and online friends. Interesting how that didn’t work out…

But I believe I was discussing disrespect. You decided to un-friend H on Facebook because his discussions were disrespectful. And yet, how much do you respect us?

Knowing very well that H and I do not approve of electronic toys, you bought the boys a guitar that lights up and plays music. You didn’t ask us if that would be alright. You ignored and disrespected our wishes concerning what is and is not an appropriate toy. If I had been consulted it’s feasible I might have considered the idea and been flexible. There are exceptions to most rules, but it’s generally good practice to establish the exceptions ahead of time.

Then you attempted to guilt me into allowing the boys to take the guitar home, despite my displeasure that you bought it in the first place. Cajoling, pleading, insisting, or otherwise attempting to compel me to change my answer, especially while in my children’s presence is also disrespectful. I am the parent; you are not. If my children see you attempt to get your way by unacceptable means they will follow suit.

You also knew that there is no way I would have allowed S4 to eat chocolate pie at breakfast time. Ever. The closest food to “dessert” he is ever allowed in the morning is a poptart. The same goes for eating jelly all by itself at any time of day. Sweets are not a normal part of the children’s diet – I am attempting to avoid some of the health and weight issues I myself have suffered. Regardless of that specific information, you cannot make me believe you thought I would agree to that if I had been sitting next to him. Knowing what I consider unacceptable behavior and allowing it anyway is disrespectful.

The chocolate pie “treat” backfired in more ways than one. I have spent a lot of time baking recently for our holiday celebrations. All the children are allowed small tastes of these goodies – it’s the holidays for them too. However, last night as S4 got ready for bed he asked for a cookie. When I responded that no, he would have to wait until the following day, he immediately said he would have one for breakfast. He was not asking – he was stating a fact as he saw it. This is a direct result of seeing something he wants, demanding it, and then receiving it. When I again responded that cookies were treats and not breakfast, I was “treated” myself – to 30 minutes of kicking, screaming, and crying in an attempt to get his way. During that charming 30 minute tirade the phrase “mamaw says yes!” was screamed four or five times.

You do not have the authority to override my rules. Admittedly I have been too lax until now, apparently not making myself clear enough about the boundaries. You cannot allow any of the boys to come crying to you expecting sympathy and/or an answer they like when I have said “no.” It has happened in your home and in mine. I should never have allowed it, period. When I give an answer to any of my kids, you will either support that decision or stay out of the situation entirely. Undermining my authority with my children is disrespectful.

I will also demand the respect of deciding when I will answer my phone. I have caller ID; I am well aware it is you when you call. If I wish to answer your call I will. If you get my voicemail it means I am busy, away from my phone, or uninterested in speaking to whoever is on the other end of the line. Leave a message and I will return the call if and when I am interested. Unless there is a genuine emergency, please refrain from calling my parents’ house. That is their number, the way they are to be reached. I currently reside here, but it is not acceptable to circumvent my unanswered cell phone by dialing my parents’ house. That is their number; I have my own. And before you point out that I often call both your cell and home phones attempting to reach you – those are both direct lines to you, not someone else. Even if I knew you were at so-and-so’s house from the Kingdom Hall, I would not call them trying to find you except in an emergency.

Playing the injured party doesn’t get you far either, by the way. Bemoaning how infrequently you see the children, both on the phone and online is ridiculous. As are the teary, heartbroken postings to Facebook after the boys leave your company. You have never gone more than a period of months without their presence, and they talk to you on the phone frequently. As they get older they will also be allowed to write and e-mail (I’m sure they will have those capabilities as soon as they can read) as often as they choose. Again, guilt is not a quality method of gaining my compliance. I was raised Catholic – we have the market on guilt trips cornered. I saw my extended family approximately once every five years growing up. My niece sees her grandparents no more than several times a year. Very few people have the privilege of almost constant contact with their grandchildren you have had. Using guilt as a motivator is disrespectful.

This one dates a little further back, but as long as I’m on a roll I figure I’ll get it out from under my skin too. Shortly after H and I married, I took at trip with you, Grandma, Uncle, and Aunt to a casino somewhere near NE. At that time I was too young to go in. Grandma and I sat in the restaurant. Upon returning you excitedly told us how you had won around $50 and Uncle had won a couple hundred. When we got back to North Platte I commented on your gambling luck in front of both FIL and H. Your immediate response was that you hadn’t been gambling; it’s against your beliefs. Your hypocrisy is your business with your god, I suppose, although it nauseates me. But never again dare call me a liar when I am not.


You also do not have the authority to take my children for any medical care without consulting me first. That includes prescriptions, over-the-counter medications, or herbal remedies. Again, I want to reiterate – I am their mother. No one is ever to treat my minor child without my permission. If you have somehow been managing this with an outdated medical release or medical power of attorney, consider it hereby revoked. And if any doctor has been treating my son without the aforementioned written medical consent of a parent, I hope he understands the possible legal ramifications of that choice. The one exception is in an emergency situation in which my child’s life is at stake. And at that time I expect you to honor the wishes of his parents to the best of your abilities until we are reached. We know how you feel about transfusions (for example), but we don’t agree. There’s a long list of medical issues on which we wouldn’t see eye to eye. Which is one of many very good reasons to avoid the issue. If you didn’t ask me, don’t put it in his body.

Please cease posting pictures and/or videos of the boys online without express permission from Josh or me. They are my children and I wish to ensure that content – which once it has been sent out on the web can never be taken back – containing them is something I don’t mind the whole world being privy too. It’s not that I specifically object to pictures of them online – my profile picture on Facebook is of Damien. But it would be respectful to ask at least one of their parents before sharing such videos and photos so publicly. If you want to e-mail them directly to family and friends I find that less objectionable. But social networking sites are extremely public and I think I should have some say in what if any images of my children appear there.

Both Josh and I find your religious beliefs objectionable. We accept that they are your beliefs and your right. And it is our right to raise our children away from what we consider schools of thought that are extremist and/or dangerous. They will be exposed to a wide range of ideologies over time as we feel they are prepared to investigate them. They will have a thorough education in theology and many other subjects. We have already begun, thanks to the Christmas season, to explain and help them understand that different people look at the same experiences different ways. But they will not be taught to parrot beliefs and doctrines before they are capable of analyzing them objectively. Both Josh and I had the heart-warming experience of being expected to memorize and regurgitate predetermined “truth” from a very young age. And what it got us was years of turmoil, unhappiness, and confusion. I admire him for having the strength to walk away many years before I did. I will not put my own sons in that position – feeling they must at least pretend to believe in a specific god or suffer the wrath of family and deity alike. You are not to attempt to influence their spiritual growth in any way. If they ask you questions you would prefer to answer religiously, you may either say they need to talk to their parents or avoid the question. When they are grown I will accept any spiritual choice my sons make for themselves, whether that is becoming a Buddhist monk, an atheist, or even a Jehovah’s Witness. But they will make those choices after growing up with open minds able to examine the strengths and weaknesses of doctrines each claiming to be the “right” path.

If you do not agree with my decisions, that is your prerogative. But you will respect them. I gathered that respect was of importance not only in your religion but in your personal expectations as well. H disrespected you in a public forum and you shunned him publicly, though that was by no means the first time. I have sent you this e-mail privately – it seemed more respectful. Consider carefully if the actions you take toward our family show the same respect. I will have my sons grow up as respectful individuals, and I will choose the role models to which they are exposed accordingly.

You may certainly still call them, and they you. We do not deny them access to the phone if they wish to call. And please feel free to continue sending them cards – they really enjoy getting mail. You are even welcome to continue talking to me, so long as the conversation remains civil, though aside from the boys I doubt we have much to discuss. This letter is not intended to cut you out of our family. However, I think it is long past time to clearly define respectful behavior between grandparents and parents, grandparents and grandchildren, and especially parents-in-law with daughters-in-law.

ME

People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned. ~James Baldwin


Ok, I know that was really, really long, but I seriously have not stopped laughing since I wrote it. I got a backbone! I let my H know that there might be some nastiness coming his way. His parents tend to try the "divide and conquer" strategy with me and my H. Even during our worst times it never works, but still I thought he deserved to see what's coming at him so he'll be able to back me up better.