Day, yes, after many many thousands of attempts at various boundary-setting responses, I finally came up with the best one. I walk away. Sometimes I leave, sometimes I don't come back or call until he's reasonable again.
This coupled with the MC seems to be working.
Other posters have encouraged me to set stronger consequences, give stronger statements, etc but these have usually led to escalations. The best thing I feel I can do is walk away and self-soothe, reminding myself I am not to blame.
It all hit a critical point when he was starting to vent his anger on our son. Nothing violent, but I was afraid. This is the main thing I am watching. He has since mellowed, but if this gets bad again, I'm not against getting a restraining order. That would also help me with custody in case of D. I will not tolerate that with our son, no matter what.
