Looking for Advice

[Coach]

Gut, You are probably right in your assumption. Do you have a transparency plan in place? Why did she go out without you?


Boundaries work and keep you from losing your gnads.

[gutwrenching]

I got to be honest, a transparency plan is something I am not aware of. Why did she go out w/o me -- probably because she is still so angry at me. She has done this once or twice in years past, so not completely out of character.

She is being very friendly tonight. In fact, she moved her pillow from the guest bedroom to our bed...I'm assuming that means she'll sleep in the bed and I assume that is because she doesn't want the girls to find out and/or she has reconnected with OM.

I think I should monitor for now. To be honest, I'd like to get thru Xmas...I wish I could have held out till the day after Xmas for the confrontation and boundary. I know for a fact she is looking at his facebook account a few times a day and it appears to me to some subliminal communication. She writes on FB "I wish you were here" and he is posting on FB on how he wishes there was snow...

This is just a radical, radical change. She isn't glaring, she is willing to stand next to me, etc.

I have still done better detaching. Tonight she was complaining the dog had been on the couch and it needed vacuumed. I was laying on the other couch with daughter and just kind of looked over at it and ignored. She went and got vacuum and proceeded to take care of it and entire living room and I just watched. A week ago I would have reacted and sprung to help.

[sandi2]

This is just a radical, radical change.

And since she has been so anger at you.....and nothing has changed in the household (no talks, etc.) then you can bet she is all smiles now b/c she's had contact with OM.

[gutwrenching]

So what do I do. Nothing I guess. I have zero proof. At one point last night, she asked me if something was wrong cause I was just laying there. I said no, just kind of surprised at everything. Surprised you are sleeping in the bed...and she said that was because no work so she didn't want the kids to know anything. Then I said and I'm surprised at how friendly you are tonight. Her response was I was friendly at work too. I said yes and I am surprised at the radical change from last night/this morning.
She then said "I didn't contact OM if that is what you are wondering" and the anger wasn't working. It wasn't getting us anywhere, wasn't working for the family and it wasn't working for me.

No matter what, I'm not going to ruin things for Xmas...i"ll play the game. But looking for advice post Christmas

[gutwrenching]

I also guess this is too be expected too, correct or not or? With no proof other than the facebook games...like last night when she wrote wish you were here to everyone and then he writes shortly later to everyone wish I was up in the snow. Gee that's not too discreet.

This morning she writes up early must be thinking about something. Wanna bet he writes a generic comeback also...

[gutwrenching]

the other interesting thing was when they came back from a trip to the store and the W not so happpily says to me that I will glad to know that older child called mom "dadddy" the whole time, said she missed me, and decided to make me a card when they got home...all from a 30 min trip to the store. that obviously pissed her off.

not sure if sinking in cause she gives them so little attention/focus these days or not or she blames me for being superdad now

[sandi2]

Focus on getting through today and tomorrow. Conduct yourself with dignity and don't lash out even if you have the perfect opportunity. Now is the time to show your family how a man should act under circumstances such as this.

After Christmas, then think about the next step. I have a feeling that something is in the making. I don't buy that stuff about how she's all friendly b/c the other wasn't working. OM has said or done something to put her on cloud nine. I'd think a weekend together is coming up, so be prepared if she suddenly has some excuse for being gone overnight.

[gutwrenching]

Great advice Sandi. I avoided it today. Had some opportunities to lash out and didn't but find a nice way to let her know I had seen the "wish you were here" FB post which she has to know means I saw the other one from OM saying wish I was up north learning how to ski.
She is friendly today but not as much as yesterday, but stress levels higher due to the kids behavior and a busy day trying to teach two kids how to ski. So she would probably say the same thing about me.
I have to admit, just one stress/tension free night last night was a nice change. Good to have one of those at least once a week I have found.
A weekend get away not real feasible, they are thousands of miles apart.
I won't do anything till the day after christmas or even a couple of days later and hopefully nothing without bouncing it off some people like you first on this forum.
I don;t want to ruin things for the kids. I am not working again till after the new year and I think the W is only working one more day till after the New Year. So a lot of family time and the kids don't need to be in the middle of an ugly situation.

[gutwrenching]

Last interesting tidbit. W found a web site that personalizes a Xmas video from Santa to the kids. It was a huge hit, very special to see. Then W said we should do one for daddy saying he is naughty and show the girls just for fun...then she stopped and said well maybe her not me, she is the one that was naughty.

Thanks to all for the support the last week or so...I'm going to be fine for Christmas. There is still some tensions in the air here, but all in all, bearable right now.

[d1adsl5a]

Gut,

You have visions of grandeur on how this confronting will work out..Let me tell you, it will be deny, deny. Even if you have proof she will just say they are friends. I must of confronted on 5 different occasions with what I thought was good proof. I still don't know if anything physical ever happened.

What they don't get is that and emotional affair elicits the same feelings as a physical affair. In reading your posts, you are analyzing every word, every move, every situation to better discern what she is thinking. You will get to a point where you don't care what she is thinking because you will have moved a few steps closer to detaching.

This is one of those phases you will have to go through. You will find it is exhausting thinking about all this. Good luck on getting through it...