I think SP and Kettricken make good points re: the continuum of revealtion. It seems that you are looking for a large scale truth-dump where all the gory details are brought out in one shot. You want 100% honesty and after two years of fighting, showing strength and growing as a person, you deserve nothing less than 100% honesty. The problem with honesty is that it is really sort of a nebulous concept. You can never really know if someone is being 100% honest, even in a healthy relationship. If she came to you and confessed 100 affairs and gave million details, you would still have a feeling in the back of your mind that maybe that wasn't the whole story. Don't get me wrong, I am a details kind of guy and I won't move forward with my W (if we ever get to that point) without some serious sharing on her part.
IMO, your W needs to admit something at this point and show remorse, for me, that would be the minimum cover charge to get in the reconcilliation door. I think the continuum approach is good and instead of looking at the quantity of the effort, maybe a better measure of her commitment is the quality and consistency of her efforts over the coming months.
Junco tell me you own a bar or a nightclub, when you talk like that you make it sound so simple, LOL!
I think you're on the right track, honesty is a nebulous concept but that being said, it isn't an outdated concept. It's bad to be honest nowadays, everyone has to lie, everyone has to put on a face, we have to mislead, we have to be more than what we are because heaven forbid, we just be ourselves, no one would accept us for that ;-)
I want honesty, million details? maybe not but honest none the less, and I'll get it either by her admitting the "gory" details (did she kill someone?) or by her not admitting anything as in who, what, where and when - I'll be ok either way, her... not so much so.
Maybe you should take things slow, ask for transparency until you are more comfortable. Pray about it.
I know what you're wife (may) be feeling. As one who had an affair, I did not want to disclose details because I was afraid it would end things. Maybe that's fair to you, so you can make a decision about if this would be a dealbreaker. If she has truly repented, those things may come out in due time.
IMO, your W needs to admit something at this point and show remorse, for me, that would be the minimum cover charge to get in the reconcilliation door. I think the continuum approach is good and instead of looking at the quantity of the effort, maybe a better measure of her commitment is the quality and consistency of her efforts over the coming months.
Ditto.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Nope, wish I did though! I might like it better than the corporate environment where I have to wear a different face at work than I do at home lest someone not like me ; ). I agree with you about honesty though, I am a pretty progressive man but I am old school when it cones to integrity, values, etc. Your thread has been eye opening for me. As LBS, we become singularly focused on getting the WAS to want to come back. We think the battle will be won at that point, however, it appears that it is just the beginning of the even bigger battle of rebuilding trust. See, when I said that honesty is that intangible concept that really can't be fully known, in the back of my mind, I was thinking that it is trust that helps us close that gap and allows us to build intimate relationships. In situations such as ours, trust is gone which makes things really difficult as far is rebuilding is concerned. For me, only through consistent, long term effort will my W ever re-establish trust with me. Maybe at that point, I can believe that she is being honest.
I have seen it so many times on this forum, believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do.
Seriously though, in the end, you have helped so many on this forum that you may soon be eligible for DB sainthood. I honestly hope that I can reach the point that you are at where you know that you are "high value". I wish you the best in your efforts to move your sitch forward to a better place
You know I've thought about that a few times, I don't think I have co-dependancy issues, these past few months have seen very little to no contact with her and it's probably been some of the happiest & smoothest times for myself. What does that tell you? I can't comment on her, it's quite possible she has those issues and struggles with them.
You know I've thought about that a few times, I don't think I have co-dependancy issues, these past few months have seen very little to no contact with her and it's probably been some of the happiest & smoothest times for myself. What does that tell you? I can't comment on her, it's quite possible she has those issues and struggles with them.
I don't have co-dependancy issues, I feel very healthy with myself: mentally, emotionally & physically.
Codependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.[1]
Denial Patterns:
* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. * I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. * I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
* I have difficulty making decisions. * I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough." * I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. * I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. * I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own. * I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. * I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. * I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. * I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. * I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. * I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. * I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. * I become resentful when others will not let me help them. * I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. * I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. * I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. * I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
