Unstoppable

[saffie]

NC

But I think you have jumped to the same conclusions that some of the others have by assuming that my asking my S's questions about what goes on when they are with their mother means I am trying to turn them against her. That is not my aim. I know full well that for me to do so, even if I happened to want to (which I don't), would surely backfire.

Nope, I in no way assume you are trying to turn your boys against their mom. I think you are a much better person than that and would never think so lowly of you. However, I think you may under estimate your sons' perception of your questions and I think they will see a connection between the answers they give and future actions taken. I also think that your W probably uses any information she can glean from your sons, ( I have an extremely LOW opinion of her), and I wouldn't put it past her to ask your son's about questions you may have asked them. In that way I feel they become unwitting pawns. I also think your W may plant ideas and information in your sons' heads in order to enflame you.

My sons need their mother as much as their father. I understand this a lot better than you give me credit for.

I am sorry you don't think I credit you with that - that was never the intention I meant to give.

However, there is this matter of the cohabitation violation. It is a definite part of our legal order, which we both signed before the judge. The judge in our case approved and signed the order as well. It is legally binding -- ironically more so than the M contract we had, sad-to-say. I cannot in good conscious allow her to continue to skirt the agreement she demanded we have drawn up between us. To do so would be wrong and not in my interests or my S's.

Furthermore, I had that clause included in our agreement, with the full blessing of my L -- and defended it from alteration -- for the purpose of protecting my children from their mother's indiscretions. (And knowing full well it binds me as well.) I know the harm that can come to children's psychological, emotional and moral development when their parent fails to hide their philandering ways from them.

Litigate all you want - doesn't stop hurt and emotional damage. You may have the legal rights on your side - but at what cost do you excercise them?

Are you thinking that defending my position and standing firm on this and other principles will cause more harm than good? I can assure you I am doing my part to compartmentalize the legal and moral dispute I have with my S's mother from the way I interact with and parent them. They know nothing of the custody suit that their mother filed against me except that the status quo was maintained. (Excepting of course what details xW has been telling them.)

Yes to the first sentence in the above paragraph. YOU may be able to compartmentalise things but your W doesn't and she will just get more and more vindictive and she will drags you sons into this. She will bad mouth you. I have no doubt more bad than good will come of pursuing this.

Abrogate my responsibilities and my moral convictions as their parent and go off like so many fathers who decide to ignore their own children after a D?

I don't for one second think you would ever ignore your children. However, by being too rigid you may cause them harm. I can see this escalating into them ending up infront of a judge being asked to make a choice between their parents - now that would be downright heartbreaking.

NC - I know you are hurting. I would be too. Your shoulders are wider than your sons though, and whatever you say, this will filter back to them.

I believe you are a father that is so in tune with his sons that you would notice changes in their behaviour if there was a major threat to them here. The moral damage has already been done by your W. You can't unring a bell. Don't make it worse - don't make your W want to poison those boys against you any more than she may already have done. I think your W is playing you like a fiddle and she wants to make you dance to the Devil's tune.