Looking for Advice

[sandi2]

Glad she doesn't work with him....guess I was confused about that or thinking of another poster.

Cold Turkey includes her not seeing his FB. No contact....is not reading his FB. As long as she does that, then she will not heal from the EA. That is why there can be "no friendship". After Christmas, if she has not blocked him from her FB, then she needs to. Maybe, if she will do that......just maybe he will block her, but don't count on it. I don't use FB simply b/c of all the trouble I have heard that it causes. So, I don't know too much about blocking & access. I have heard that some people talk in codes.....

Expect her to be pissed for a couple of weeks, at least. If she is truly having no contact with OM, then the anger will start to ease up, but she'll still have a "mood" b/c of resentment.

Keep detaching. That is very important.

[gutwrenching]

Thank you, Thank you Sandi. I had decided that if I was going to insist on FB that it would be after Christmas. I will use your words unless I or someone else has something better. I nicely but firmly say that "no contact means not reading his FB" and yes there is way to block access, both ways.

My radar is up on high right now. This morning, she was still raging mad at me. At work, it was time to give out some Christmas gifts. She sent me a text asking if I wanted to go with her or not. I said I did, not because of her, but because it was the right thing to do for our mutual friends and boss. We arranged a time to give out the gifts and I went to her office. She was cordial, not surprised because this is the public front, but more cordial than I thought. After handing out gifts, she slides into a side room in the building we were in and I say to myself, fine, I sure as heck don't need to wait around to walk back with her. I start telling everyone goodbye and she immediately pops out and asks if I am leaving and I say yes and she heads out with me. Odd. Maybe the public front again of the happy couple.
We have a dare I say friendly conversation on the walk back despite no one being around, a little about work and then about our kids and who is going to relieve the nanny and when tonight. I tell her I am leaving early, I am going to the gym and then I have some xmas shopping to finish up, but I can be home by 5. She said I thought we were done xmas shopping and I told her I needed stocking stuffers for her. She shook her head no. I told her that for one because of the kids, she wasn't going to have an empty stocking and two, regardless of how much she hates me right now, I wasn't going to allow an empty stocking on Christmas. She replied I don't hate you, I am very angry at the our situation right now. I only replied well I'm not too pleased with where we are at right now either. I asked when she was going home and she said she didn't know, but had some plans for some fitness activities in the afternoon if she could break away and I said good. I meant it. she needs to figure things out, getting away from me and everything and working out is good...and I realize it could drive her to deciding to go deeper undercover, but I can't stop that. She has to figure it out.

Not ANGRY?!?!?! I've never seen anyone so angry in my life. I've never been treated so coldly by another human being in my life. That comment has me perplexed.

[gutwrenching]

Definitely assist your children in choosing/purchasing gifts for their mom. That's for sure. As for a gift from you, you might consider getting a 'family gift' ~~~~ something from you that is for everyone in the family. That way you have remembered her with a gift but it's not personal. Another idea - does she have a hobby (reading, gardening, sport...?) You might get her a little something for her hobby - nothing over the top - but something that says "I see you, see that you love [hobby], I support you in it."

Greek, somehow I missed this advice and just now saw it. I do know what her hobby currently is, though I've curbed it quite a bit, and that is her iphone. So I have gotten a few accessories and things to help with that. I did help the girls pick out their gifts. I have one big gift - diamond earrings - had that one planned out for a long time. So make that from everyone in the family, not just me?

[gutwrenching]

Keep detaching. That is very important.

Sandi - just re-read your list of do's and dont's. The detaching going to be challenging as we are under the same roof and will only be working a couple of days over the next 2 weeks. I have a question too...for me, should I add one to the list of do's and dont's and that is demand respect. Right now she is very disrespectful to me at home. Do I ignore that or do like I did last night and call her on it and tell her not to do that in front of the kids?
thanks in advance

[d1adsl5a]

Take the earrings back. She will just see that she can walk on you and then you give her a gift. Wrong move..

[sandi2]

Sandi - just re-read your list of do's and dont's. The detaching going to be challenging as we are under the same roof and will only be working a couple of days over the next 2 weeks. I have a question too...for me, should I add one to the list of do's and dont's and that is demand respect. Right now she is very disrespectful to me at home. Do I ignore that or do like I did last night and call her on it and tell her not to do that in front of the kids?

I would say to "Comman Respect" instead of demanding it. The list of Do's & Don'ts work especially well for a couple under the same roof. As a WAW, she doesn't feel respect for you at this time and, yes,...you need to call her hand on it. I think it is so important that she "show" respect for you in front of the children.....even if she doesn't personally "feel" it right now. Just as you show respect toward her in front of others.....she needs to do the same toward you. Never ignore your W's disrespect.

[12bar]

HI GW. how are things going tonight?

On me: I am happy to report that I am finally feeling some anger towards her. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and my situation.

Feeling the anger is a good step forward IMHO. It means that you are moving out of victim mode and realizing that it is not all your fault. Just find some healthy outlets for it so you don't let it affect your ability to remain calm, cool and collected about your sitch

and her getting even more angry helped because I don't deserve the anger, I didn't have the A.

I agree with everyone that you should set a boundary about the open disrespect at home, especially in front of the children. As far as the anger is concerned, it could be that it shows that she still has a lot of emotion which some folks on this forum think is a good thing (provided it is not out of control, violent, etc,).

The opposite of Love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. My W is completely indifferent right now and I would love to see just a little bit of anger sometimes just to give me hope that she is not completely checked out of the R.

[sandi2]

That was suppose to say "Command" respect. Typo there.

[gutwrenching]

I am home with the kids and she went skiing. A bunny hill nearby. She posts on facebook with a picture "wish you were here" I guess to the world. I don't know what to think of this. She is giving up time with the kids again. The kids are not happy, she must have told them she was going to be skiing, they want to be there too.

Going to be interesting to see what the attitude is like tonight. After pure rage last night in the house, open contempt/rage in the morning at the house, then cordial a few hours later at work.

She did text me that she wanted to go skiing. My reply was "then go" I said I'll take care of the girls. So that's what I am doing

[gutwrenching]

radar on high alert. She came home in a good mood. No glaring, talking to me friendly, talking to the girls. Came back from skiing that way. Suggested we all go out to eat tonight. This is a 180 from last night and even this morning.
I've got to wonder if she contacted him, as bad as that sounds...