I think in another thread at some point you questioned the use of terms such as 'WAW' 'MLC' and so on because they tend to make people into objects. I agree. Those formulations can be helpful in getting a handle on situations, they inform our encounters, but must also be modifed by them. I value that core to DB: the try it -- reflect -- did it work? Yes: repeat, No, try something different approach. My own posts are made in the light of that. I like this forum 'we're separated, now what?' because (for me) it's less categorizing than the 'MLC', 'WAW' type forums. I like the 'now what?' bit especially: an invitation to keep trying stuff.
I'm glad Dday and Goodfight hear that war within your W. That's the sense I get too. In the light of their comments and yours, let me recap the war as I understand it:
i. W is brought up by FIL who, as Dday says, sounds black and white about everything. But the difficulties start when FIL's seemingly perfect M falls apart - the black and white worldview is shaken. Maybe, for W, this was the first sight of FIL acting out of line with his own moral precepts. She may experience this as a betrayal by FIL.
ii. The D happens, and FIL goes into meltdown: his rigid worldview can't deal with the situation.
iii. Alongside that inner moral confusion, W has to make a choice on loyalties. She goes with FIL and demonizes MIL. This is a massive act of trust in FIL. The internal war is underway.
iv. W 'assumed the role of mom', or perhaps 'assumed the role of wife' is better - it was FIL that she really had to look after (not kids). Sounds like your C is onto this (the 'emotional incest' book). This might help in understanding the loyalty bond that exists between them (as you say, W 'fiercely defends FIL's every move, even when she hates most of them').
v. Now comes a loyalty test: she's sided with FIL, and he promises W that he won't remarry immediately (which would intensify the split loyalties), but then he does so anyway. She may also experience this as a betrayal by FIL.
vi. W's new role as caretaker for FIL is simply too much, and perhaps the headaches provide a valid excuse to get her out of this. But she doesn't turn her back on that part of herself: interesting that she went on to train as a nurse. More interesting still that (once again) she dropped out. In time, FIL recovers.
vii. W meets you. You're not like FIL at all. You and W fall in love. FIL tells you that you're no good for his daughter unless you give up being you and start to become like him. More material for the war: W wants to marry someone unlike FIL, FIL responds by trying to make you the same as him (and to some extent, you try to do that). W's inner war must be raging.
viii. You marry. MIL becomes terminally ill. FIL cannot and will not face the situation. W follows his example (again trusting FIL's worldview). Again, the war within W must be intense over this: W perhaps felt at some deep level the questionableness of FIL's actions here.
ix. Things become difficult between you and W. It's now FIL's turn to 'save' W (just as she had saved him when he broke up with MIL). Step-MIL and FIL promise a return to a secure family unit for W, where she can effectively be a child again, and she can let go of her feelings of her responsibility - it's like a return to a time before FIL's D. Indeed, SMIL said 'you need to leave him, come back here, let us take care of you'. They're infantilizing her. But it's complex, because as you say, 'They convinced her that the headaches were my fault, and they could fix them. They were wrong.' That may have felt like a further betrayal to W. She keeps trusting FIL, and he keeps letting her down. He promises everything, but can only deliver one thing: money. (Interesting that she has such an expensive illness: it both stops her from working, and pushes her caretaker (be it you or FIL) into a postion of financial responsibility for her.)
Ok... hope I've got the story right so far. How then does that pan out in your relationship with W?
First up, what did W originally like about you? You write:
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Early in our dating, she said "I've never known a man like you, you not only have passions, you actually act on them.
You add that FIL told you
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I had these ethereal dreams of changing the world, but that all ended when I got married. Now you need to make money.
When I first read this, I only saw the 'passions' bit. On re-reading I noticed how central the 'action' part is. I like what Dday said about the idea of a 'man of quality'. What is it that you and FIL have in common? You both act on your beliefs. Yours may be passions, his maybe be fear (or money), but the common factor may be the action. I think the flowers are a nice example of you acting on your passions. You felt it, you acted on it, she liked it. You didn't explain yourself - didn't even sign the card. I guess the formula in this case was something like action + passion=spontaneity.
So that's a question to you - does that stuff about action sound right to you, or is it something else? I think this matters because you say:
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'It feels like she wants me to be EXACTLY like him. But she wouldn't have married me if she did. I guess deep down inside, I've believed the conventional wisdom because I hear it so much. She must really want someone just like FIL, so it was a mistake to marry me.'
Maybe the idea of a common denominator between you and FIL is helpful here. In terms of acting on things, maybe she does want you to be exactly like him. But in terms of content, not. It's like she wants the same structure, but with different content. A redeemed content.
It's evident in what you write how far your FIL had influenced your 'content' - e.g. 'I went off to Seminary to keep furthering my career, because I could already feel the pressure from my future father-in-law about how much I should be making. I still wanted to work in the church, but thought having a Master's would help make the kind of money I needed.' There's a lot about money and career there, and also the phrase 'the kind of money I needed' is interesting - what's the benchmark here - how far is it related to what W is accustomed to?
You also write
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'everything in our new marriage became about proving it, that she wasn't a spoiled brat, that I could make something of myself.'
It's funny, I can see from earlier posts how she might have been seen as a spoiled brat, but reading about how she looked after FIL for the year after his D makes me feel quite differently. She seems traumatized, someone whose world fell to bits, who did everything she could to put it right, but who ultimately just couldn't take the pressure.
This takes me to my other question. I've asked about what W likes that you and FIL have in common, but now I want to ask about what W fears that you and FIL have in common. You say:
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To this day, W looks shocked when she makes me angry and I don't explode like FIL would.
So maybe anger is one thing she fears. But I'd be interested to know what you think W fears most? Because when I look back to when her illness started, it may have been triggered by the D, or by feeling overwhelmed, but my intuition is that it was FIL's emotional meltdown. Because when he melts down, the whole world(view) melts down with him. I'm guessing that it's what he fears, and also what she fears. But maybe she fears it in you too. It's interesting that you mentioned in your last post about how you've always been struggling depression, fear, and anger. Those are also the forces that FIL battles with. Sorry this is lengthy, but my question is, how has W reacted in the past when it's looked like you might slump into depression (or when you have)? I'm asking, because I wonder if she fears that what happened to FIL (the main man in her life melts down and she has to take charge, but can't cope), might happen to you. This may be way off, but I'd be interested to hear your response.
W being looked after / looking after others seems to be deep in all this. FIL and step-MIL want to look after her; 'crazy mom' is the person who failed to look after her; she had to look after FIL (but couldn't stick it); she started nursing (ditto); and now you're DBing in an attempt to care for her. And then there's what MIL said:
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MIL told me that W refuses help and will not let things go. "If you're going to be married to her, you'll have to figure out how to help her, because she won't let you." Still haven't figured out how.
That's the paradox - she massively demands certain types of care (medical, tax, financial etc.), but refuses other types (emotional). Perhaps refusing the latter kind is why she wants to prevent you from contacting SIL.
It's unfortunate that she's told you not to contact SIL. I'd take seriously SIL's concerns that W might stop talking to her. There is some movement there after all: W is talking to SIL and BIL, she hasn't cut off that line, and she is even talking to them about stuff that matters like how she responded to MIL's death. That's a real ray of light, and not to be overlooked. Also, you don't want her to think you've betrayed her trust by contacting - betrayal of trust is what FIL has done (destructively) throughout. I appreciate that this is a very difficult situation.
One final thing - W might have tried to detach herself from MIL and identify with FIL, but in separating from you, it's MIL that she's emulating, and as your SIL told you 'I'm seeing a lot of the same behaviors in her that I saw in my mom when she left.' When she looked after FIL, she was also being surrogate MIL.
These family dynamics are so complex. I liked this story that you told about the relationship away from them:
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We even decided to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas last year together and ditch our families. It was great, and we were seriously talking about her moving back.
I'm not suggesting any of this is right, but like everyone just trying to reflect back some of what I'm hearing (conditioned by my own personhood and experiences of course!)
