Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

If I ask, should I call or just text her?

[soleil]

Text

[motherof3]

Go with the option that would cause her to feel the least amount of pressure. You don't want to come across a pursuing.

Remember. No expectations.

[ClingingToHope]

OK, since I didn't want it to seem too last minute, I texted her because doing it over the phone would put her in the position of rejecting me. Text gives her a chance to think about with little pressure.

We'll see if she even responds.

[mishka422]

Again CTH, no expectations. If anything, expect her to say no.

Merry Christmas!

[ClingingToHope]

Luckily I'll be so busy the next two days that I don't think I'll dwell too much on it.

I've been focusing on a few things -- improving myself emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically -- and "The Power of Now" point to focus on today. A Facebook poster put this out there for me, "Tomorrow will take care of itself, today has enough problems."

I will say I hope she says yes.

[mishka422]

Hope is good as long as you don't drift over into expectation.....fine line, very fine line.

[ClingingToHope]

She did not say yes. She didn't check her texts by the time I picked up the girls so I asked her personally. She said she had errands to run.

I was down about it at church, but I don't regret it. It just starts the clock over again.

Church was very empowering but my emotions kept going in two directions:

Wait out the MLC as long as it takes -- after all, as far as I can tell she has not found an OM or greener grass and the kids will always tie us together.

Or let her go and file for D myself. I actually was asking for a sign when the thought popped into my head that by holding on to her I'm holding us both back.

Could that be what my path really is?

The next three days are going to be just soooooooo hard. But then the last seven months have been very hard. I wonder what my life will be like a year from now.

[sandi2]

Sorry I didn't see your post on my thread until too late.....but you received the same answer that I would have given you.

Keep a positive outlook about the new year.

Have a Merry Christmas.

[ClingingToHope]

Thank God for work today. I'm covering for my boss and have a ton to get done by 3 p.m. when I'm supposed to leave, pick up the girls and head to Wisconsin for the night.

The work is helping because I am extremely sad today. After the holidays come some extremely tough decisions and conversations.

My lease is up at the end of January. Do I quietly reup for another six months? If so, by the end of those the landlords will insist on a year's lease so something really has to be decided by end of July -- R or D.

We have to talk about summer plans for the girls. W likely wants/needs me to help pay for summer camps -- which run between $2,000 to $3,000 a summer. At what I'm paying her now, I can't afford to help BECAUSE I've been saving for a legal retainer. I have $1,700 right now we could use for summer camps, but I can't if we are still headed for a D.

Taxes. It makes sense to file as a married couple to take advantage of the better rates, but I will want half to pay off debt and finish saving for the legal retainer.

Any one of these has the real potential to devolve into an R talk that I still don't want to have yet. Dottie tells me to stay in the present and not make assumptions. These will be serious tests for me.

Maybe it's just the holidays but I find myself wanting W back more than ever. She just loves Christmas and her enthusiasm for it was always infectious. It always kind of washed away the troubles during the rest of the year.

I am, as usual, stressing over things I cannot control and over things that may not happen.

Even last night. I may have caught W off guard on the invitation to church. I haven't invited her to anything in more than two months. Plus, it was her only night to get a few final things done for Christmas, so she may not have been playing me, she may have genuinely had errands to run.

The conversations above. She may not ask for help for summer camps and just send me the dates she took off. She may handle it all on her own -- with help from her mother.

The taxes thing, perhaps she'll go to H&R Block or something like that.

And she may file for a D right after the holidays. I don't know what is next for me and that's really scary.

Back to work. At least I got a good note from my boss this morning. She loves my end of decade project.