The Truth Hurts

[CountingCrows]

I don't want this to be over! W texted me this afternoon, wanting to know if I was ready to tell her what's up. I haven't responded, but I want to SO BAD!! I'm in such a bad place right now. Even after everything she has done to me and my family, I still love her so deeply.

Talked to my D lawyer today, and he recommended we keep the Monday appt to get together and draw up the papers to file next week. She'd be served right before New Years.

I'm doing everything in my power go completely dark over Christmas, but I feel so weak. I know if I talk to her, she'll just feed me more lies, justifications and excuses...just to string me along.

God, this hurts so much!! How can I still have even an ounce of hope that we could work things out after everything that's gone on?! I want my wife and the mother of my son back in our lives...not the way it was, but the way it could be.

Sorry to be a blubbering mess. I'm trying to draw strength from the anger, but it keeps getting drowned out.

[P17]

Sorry to be a blubbering mess. I'm trying to draw strength from the anger, but it keeps getting drowned out.

First things first. Don't be sorry. That's why we are all here. And for the record we have ALL (and that's every single one of us) been where you are and been blubbering messes. That's part of the process.

I don't want this to be over! W texted me this afternoon, wanting to know if I was ready to tell her what's up. I haven't responded, but I want to SO BAD!! I'm in such a bad place right now. Even after everything she has done to me and my family, I still love her so deeply.

And you will for a very long time regardless of what you do, file for D, R, whatever. You need to remember that.

Talked to my D lawyer today, and he recommended we keep the Monday appt to get together and draw up the papers to file next week. She'd be served right before New Years.

Is that what you want to do?

I'm doing everything in my power go completely dark over Christmas, but I feel so weak. I know if I talk to her, she'll just feed me more lies, justifications and excuses...just to string me along.

Draw strength from the fact that YOU have the power now. She has no idea what is going on. She is a player in your game now and she doesn't know the rules. You do. You even know what the pieces are all doing. She doesn't.

Going dark is very very hard. Try not to respond to any texts, voicemails or emails right away. Read them. STOP YOURSELF REPLYING and then walk away. For a few hours or even days. Post here for advice.

Remember DO NOT REPLY. She will get nasty or manipulative. It's all designed to get you to reply. She may be nasty, nice, nasty, nice yo yo. Don't fall for it. You know her game. DO NOT RESPOND.

God, this hurts so much!! How can I still have even an ounce of hope that we could work things out after everything that's gone on?! I want my wife and the mother of my son back in our lives...not the way it was, but the way it could be.

It's going to hurt. It's going to get worse. And it's going to be nasty for you. You need to know this. But you need to get through this for you and S. Life is NOT over. But your M may well be. That is for you to decide. This is not W's decision. It's yours.

My advice is for W to get help if she is in fact a serial adulterer. Somebody like that cannot remain in a committed marriage without it.



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[CountingCrows]

Thanks, P. I still haven't replied to W's text, and don't plan to. We had originally planned for her to come over and spend Christmas Eve/Christmas day as a family. That won't be happening. We had also agreed to allow S7 to spend the night with her on the Saturday after Christmas. I don't intend to use him as a pawn and prevent her from being a part of his life, so W and I will have to have to have some communication. This will make it even harder to go dark, but not impossible.

You're right. Today's text from W was sweet. Tomorrow's will probably be nasty, as she doesn't have a clue what I know, and she's probably spinning pretty hard. She's probably pretty paranoid, thinking that I know more about her current A than I do, when the truth is, I don't have a clue what's going on other than the fact that she's still in contact with OM (nice of her to give up that tidbit of info to our friend). Most likely, it hasn't even crossed her mind that I now know about the 4 other affairs before him that she managed to hide through deception, lies and deceit.

Is going through with the D filing what I want to do? Want to? Not really. My heart doesn't want to admit that it's the end. I am having problems letting go...not of the M we had, but my stupid dream of what it could be. But yes, I can't remain married to someone who is incapable of being honest or faithful. I don't believe that I could ever trust someone who's done these things to me and S7. It's a dealbreaker for me and filing for D may be the only way to prove to her that I'm no longer her standby safety net and doormat.

She does need serious help, but she doesn't want it. She has manipulated her IC with the same deception and lies that she used with me, and that's not going to get her anywhere. Until she truly decides that she wants to change herself, no one can help her.

[CountingCrows]

W is blowing up my phone today. Wanting to know with Christmas coming up, when can she see S7. I don't know whether to let her know that she can do Christmas on Saturday when he spends the night, or let her come over to see him on Christmas day, or what. I'm at a complete loss right now. I really don't want to hold S7 hostage from her, but I also don't want to have to face her on Christmas and take the chance of things blowing up with S7 around.

Odd that suddenly she wants to focus on S7, when the last time she spoke to him was Friday morning, and she hasn't even bothered contacting him at all since then.

[chatterbug]

Stick to what you agreed on. If you can do this.

[nutfarmer]

Odd that suddenly she wants to focus on S7, when the last time she spoke to him was Friday morning, and she hasn't even bothered contacting him at all since then.

I see that a lot on these boards, and it pisses me off every time.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Odd that suddenly she wants to focus on S7, when the last time she spoke to him was Friday morning, and she hasn't even bothered contacting him at all since then.

I see that a lot on these boards, and it pisses me off every time.

Yep -- agreed. In my case I called it the "St. Sally" routine (only my wife's real name isn't "Sally.") She even had this different tone of voice -- syrupy sweet -- that I'd never heard before. Made my skin crawl. "Do you boy want Mommy to make you some fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies???"

Blcccch.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Well, I spent over 2 hours typing out a post last night, only to stupidly hit refresh while I was looking at the preview. There's no way I can do it again, so I'll attempt to summarize what I wrote.

1. I had a long, hard talk on the phone with W yesterday. I gave her one final chance to be completely and totally...brutally honest with me. I remained calm and collected throughout the entire conversation.

2. Knowing that I knew the truth (but not how much I knew), and that I would know that she was lying, she finally was open and honest about every affair and sexual encounter starting with the present and going back 2.5 years. Not down to the gory details for each one, but still enough to burn to my core, hearing directly from her mouth all the betrayals I knew to be true. All of her admissions were consistent with the facts I already knew from my combined intel. She even admitted to a additional encounter that I didn't know about.

3. W didn't try to make excuses, place blame or "explain away" any of her actions. Some of the encounters she admitted were obviously huge sources of shame and regret. She occasionally hesitated as she clinically went through each and every incident, but she kept going until we got to the beginning of her adulterous acts. I asked about a situation from about 5 years ago, and she denied it. I've since confirmed with someone who was there that she's telling the truth about that one.

4. I told her that our marriage was over, that I can't live in an open marriage and can't remain a husband to someone who could betray, lie and deceive me like she has. She has destroyed our M. My self integrity and self-respect will never allow me to get past her blatant disregard for our commitment to each other. It's a deal-breaker for me, and it's time for me to move forward with my life without her. I won't be her doormat or safety net anymore.

5. Despite the agonizing pain of the conversation, I also felt a sense of relief and empowerment coming from these lies and secrets finally being revealed. The only path forward has been made absolutely clear to me.

6. It's time to cut the cancer out of my life. I must hold on to the good memories of the past and flush away these toxins that have nearly destroyed me. I have to go on with my life. I must continue to improve myself and focus on being the best man and father that I can be.

7. After we said goodbye, I hurt worse and cried harder than I have throughout this entire situation. I acknowledged and embraced the pain and grief, allowing myself to feel it overwhelm me, knowing that it was necessary before I can truly accept what has happened as reality, rather than just a horrible nightmare.

8. A while after our talk, I texted W thanking her for finally being honest with me. She replied back thanking me for not flipping out and turning into a homicidal freak, which would be completely within the realm of understanding considering what she had done.

Damn...last night's message was so much better, and explained things in much more detail, but this is all I'm capable of this morning. I'm hurting and grieving for what has happened to my marriage and the loss of my wife, but I need to spend some time with my precious son and attempt to give him the best Christmas he can have under the circumstances.

I hope that all of you have the best Christmas you can have under each of your circumstances as well. You are certainly not alone in your pain.

[Kettricken]

(((((Counting Crows)))))

All oysters, no pearls.

I hope you find something in all this, at least a sense of some final human connection in honesty.

May you and your son be well and blessed.

[CountingCrows]

Long December, indeed!

Thank you, K...I needed the hug.