Unstoppable

[saffie]

NC,

When I didn't like something I would make sure my parents knew. I felt safe talking to them.......mainly because early on my mother ensured that happened by not letting information we gave out be used to escalate matters between herself and my father. My father used to say things like " One day I will tell you something so awful about your mother you will hate her". Now that was a terrible thing to say to an 8yr old. Instead of getting angry at my dad when she found out he had said this, my mom sat down and told my sister and I what the thing was. It was something that was awful for my mother.....and she must have felt shamed admitting it to us. But she diffused the situation by taking the wind out my dad's sails by telling us. And you know what, it back fired on my dad, (and has done so many times over the years), because it made us love her more. That she had lived through what he threatened her about telling us, and carried on was fantastic. All we knew was that we loved our mom and our dad had tried to alter that fact by trying to turn us against her. We still continued to love him but it did make us think twice about what we told him.

Also, at different times my parents became involved with other people. How involved at the time I didn't know really as I viewed it from a child's perspective. However, I would say that the demise of both R's was caused by the fact that, however hard these other folks tried to become part of our family unit, my sister and I weren't ready to include them, and we felt safe to say so. It would be along the lines of us saying " ? isn't coming with us to the park are they?" or something similar, followed by some face pulling.

I actually am someone who believes I was much better off after my parents split. It was such a relief to live in a house where there wasn't constant conflict and shouting and you weren't scared of saying the wrong thing and causing a storm. My mom made me understand I could come home and tell her anything and she would be there for me. I knew it would go no further. There must have been times when I said things about my dad that she could have used as ammunition against him, but in order to keep the connection between father and children on an even keel my mother bit her tongue.

You know, over here we don't litigate half as much as you guys.....and way back when my folks split my mom couldn't have afforded to take my dad to court. In order to keep her children safe she walked away with £5 in her purse and the clothes on our backs, just knowing that she had a new job waiting for her and a house for us to live in. She never asked him for a penny. He never offered her anything and she has never gotten any sort of financial settlement from him.

However hard it was for both of them to hold things back when it was all raw and new, in the early years, they still managed on the whole,( my mom being better at it than my dad), to do it.....or at least it seemed that way to my sister and I. I greatly appreciate that. Now they live across the road from one another and interact daily.

So I wouldn't say that I was projecting my own hurts at all. I would say that I am projecting my thanks to my parents, and in particular my mother. They acted like the parents and not like bickering children. I believe that a happy, safe, well rounded child would let you know if something was wrong without you having to question them. The first signs would be changes in the child's behaviour.

I do think at the moment you are setting your boys up for a fall with this current line of action and all I wanted you to do was think again. I am not trying to give you a 2x4, but your reaction to other posters makes me think that deep down you feel that the balance isn't right also.

People aren't posting to you about this because they want to be awkward or unkind - they are concerned for you and your R with your sons. I don't post much these days as you know NC, but I do come on and try and keep up with those I consider 'friends' on these boards, and it is with the hand of friendship that I say these things to you. I am sorry if they are not what you want to hear.

Unfortunately I think your W knows how to play you too well and you may just be walking in to an ambush here.

Or are my own priorities and perspectives out of whack? Is there something more harmful in my attempt to find out from my S about how his other parent is treating him than not to?

Just because your W rejected you does not mean she would be treating your boys badly.

Well, how would I ever know if something harmful is happening to my children if I don't inquire?

You observe them and look for signs that they are unsettled or unhappy. Questioning them just feels wrong to me on many fronts. It's highlighting to them that YOU think there may be something wrong....so in turn that unsettles them. It's making them tell tales because you are intending to use what they say against their mother.

One can't guarantee anything, and i'm not a betting person, but if I were, I would bet that the route you are thinking of taking will cause much more harm than good; not only to your sons but to you too.

Your W seems to be doing this to try and get a rise out of you and she is getting just what she wantS. I would be questioning just why she is doing that and observing, rather than just jumping in.

Again, maybe I don't have my head on straight, because I am not following the set of priorities that I see being outlined here. Too many contradictions. And too many emotions

Seems to me that most of the posters are being fairly consistent in warnng you to hold back and not be so reactive, and it is you that is being driven by emotion as one would expect, as this is your family that you feel is under threat.

I don't think the posts are being antiproductive, I think you are just fed up with people not agreeing with you - that should tell you something. At the end of the day though, you have to do what you believe you need to do. They are your sons and we do not walk in your shoes.

Whatever you decide (((((NC))))))). Split parenting isn't easy.