Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Not much happening here. I'm trying to detach and let go. Started reading Parents are Forever-about co-parenting after divorce. Now realize how very messed up may parents were through their long separation and final divorce.

Also identified some bad behaviors I had picked up from mom..trying to be aware and change.

No word from H all weekend, to me or the girls. H did stop in this morning about 30 minutes earlier than needed to pick the girls up for their dental appointment. He looked calm, and was calm-acting: like his normal self. Said he bought himself a new winter coat over the weekend and cleaned his cousins apartment and did laundry.

He is texting/talking to FB/HS friend some-going to see her son in a Dinner theater production next weekend(he posted on facebook)..

When H is "normal" I really get the sense that maybe that H just is a man who had an affair who doesn't love me anymore..that he truly has moved on. But then I think of the very MLC behaviors of his in the past:the BOMB, the rewriting history, the affair, the secrecy, the waffling, the depression,the replay, the anger/projection...and then I just get confused.

H offered to help me with some reorganization in the basement that I'm planning...I'm hesitant. I'm scared that the more contact we have right now, then something will go downhill, especially in a situation where there is past stuff to go through.

[peacetoday]

It is a hard thing to understand MLC I think b/c we have not had one so we dont understand it
is it real?? or is it a case of a was
hard to tell
the only thing is the strange behavior that so many of these 40 something year olds seem to have
the younger woman or HS friend
the new friends
the secrets
the spending
the lying , cheating
irrwsponsibility with kids
the running
avoiding
I think it will become clearer later
as for us,
we can only keep moving growing, counseling changing so as to use this crises for our benefit and our growth
as it was probably planned for that
as for our H, our changes can only help any possibility of R
as you know, there is no way to know what will happen
only a long road of patience and change
hang in there

peace

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace.
The waiting is hard. My life is certainly not on hold. I guess the waiting to se what happens next, to see if H's separation and plan for divorce, causes another shift.

There has been more positive feelings when we see each other-no negative interactions.

We've hugged a few times. H's friend's ex-wife recently passed away and his friend wasn'treally sad except for his daughter's loss. It seemed to affect H alot..it made me cry when I heard this, thinking about being divorced and H passing away..just sad. H gave me a hug to comfort me.

I'm trying not to read anything into these changes..but things don't make sense about H divorcing me...He's spending alot of money to improve his business-money for the lawyer's retainer..just think he's accruing debt for his business and won't be able to find a place to move that will have room for the girls..just doesn't make complete sense.

Just wondering if H separating from me will solidify his feelings about me, will help him feel "emancipated" and independent..and then he can move forward. Maybe he'll realize that all the tension and uncomfortable feelings he's had aren't from anything external(me)...and do the internal work he needs to do...

I invited H to join me and the girls for our trip to the Denver Zoo Lights(DB counselor suggested this-something spontaneous that would remind him of what he's missing/losing) and H wants to go. He seems sort of excited that we're making this a new tradition. The first time was last year after H decided to move out, but before he actually moved. Let's hope its a success. Should be fun!

[addie]

Your H is still very confused. Although he claims he wants a D, he sure is not behaving like someone would when they're about to file. Continue making the most of the holidays with your D's. Maybe H will realize what he'll be missing out on with the D. The trip is an excellent opportunity for this. Enjoy it as much as possible but remember "no expectations". Just have fun with your D's.