Sorry for the long first post. I'm too close to this to think objectively and could use whatever help I can get.
Married for 14 years. Dated for 5 before marriage.
I lived with my parents before marriage. Never on my own so no life skills learned at this point.
WAH had father pass away when he was a teen. His mom could not handle grief and became unreliable so he took over raising sisters and making sure bills etc paid.
Both of us came from abusive families; Me- Sexual abuse, social isolation, & emotional neglect (non-demonstrative; rejection); Him- physical abuse by father & emotional neglect
Me – 6 years of therapy brought be from being non-demonstrative of feelings (felt the feelings but did not show them) and full of triggers, to being open for relationship and demonstrative. No work on how to deal in crisis management or healthy coping skills. Met husband soon after.
Before marriage- We both worked, no conflicts to overcome between us, rosy relationship.
First year of marriage - I became pregnant right away (unplanned); lost job soon after discovered I was pregnant; became financially dependent on him as I could not find another.
Developed low self esteem due to mixed feelings of baby, job loss, weight issues and felt as if I was a burden on WAH instead of a partner. Didn’t tell him my feelings as I didn’t want to burden him further since he was working doubly hard to make the bills.
Difficult birth and breastfeeding problems increased my feelings of inadequacy. I stayed at home with child as we had agreed before marriage that one would when children came along. Didn’t feel like I was a natural mother. Had no clue due to upbringing how to interact with children or how to amuse them. Did not connect with other SAHM in morning programs. Felt lost and wanted to go back to work but did not tell WAH. Didn’t have family or friends to turn to who would understand what I was going through.
Severe post partum episode resulted in my going on anti-depressants (I didn’t want to but WAH encouraged it due to fear of my episode repeating) No counselling to support it so I’ve been on them ever since
Financial difficulties due to WAH inability to keep jobs (he now says he unintentionally sabotaged them). Made me feel fearful as I had no practical knowledge of how to handle finances. (Again, not communicated to him verbally but I became very stressed and withdrawn and stopped showing him positive emotion) Tried to show love by doing “service” type things like finding job listings, redoing resume, etc. WAH interpreted as controlling and made him feel inadequate (I now know from him)
Began to depend on him further both emotionally and decision-wise. WAH contributed to it by catering to my every need instead of letting me do stuff on my own. (ie. I try to hang a picture, he’d rush over and do it for me etc) Plus he treated me like I was fragile since episode. It became easier to just let him than try and stand up for myself. (Also according to IC the meds dulled the edge of the survival instinct I had before going on them so that it didn’t feel as negative to me to not stand on my own.)
During this time also had 1 niece die at 3 months old (SIL was pregnant when I was but had hers preemie and it died 3 months after finally coming home) and went through a move to a larger apartment with a higher rent.
Child was suspected to have special needs which meant that daycare was not an option due to lack of $$ and appropriate care for him. More job changes on WAH part and introduction of Internet and gaming into our lives.
We moved to another city where we knew no one (but closer to H family) to try and make a fresh start as prior city was too dangerous in our opinion to raise a family. (Married 3 years at this point)
Child was diagnosed with Autism but was not toilet trained. Daycares would not take him and he wasn’t school aged yet.
I tried to find a job but couldn’t due to lack of references in city and not working for so long a time. H took on two jobs to support us until he could find another better one. (H now says I didn’t try hard enough to get a job)
I spent a lot of time on Internet trying to find things to help out with son, and stopped telling H what I found after he kept accusing me of trying to “cure” our son. I felt that son’s condition may have been due to difficult birth and blamed myself. I found out *this year* that H felt it was due to his genes.
I tried to start a business but it failed due to my lack of social skills and confidence in myself. I felt even more of a burden to H.
More job changes on H part. More deaths in the family and financial instability.
Lots of appointments and meetings for son’s condition, mostly spearheaded by me. H felt inadequate on how to deal with them I found out this year.
H spending more and more time playing online games. I spending more and more time researching and watching TV. Nonexistent outside lives for either of us which was out of character for H. It felt “comfortable” for me due to upbringing and my self esteem issues. (I now know at this point I had behaviourally regressed into the child I was while living with my parents. Feeling but not showing. Sex life down to a trickle at this point due to my low drive. Also, always stressed due to son, $$, emotional shut down, trying to look outside myself for what was wrong with me re: low drive.)
Received unexpected $$ and bought our first house. H idea, that I now find out was based on my father’s pressuring him so he felt he had to. He felt it was what I wanted too but never asked me (I didn’t care one way or the other at the time, still battling depression). He felt inadequate in my dad’s eyes and my dad’s opinion meant a lot to him.
During this time my father battling cancer for 2nd time and we were constantly commuting to old city to help out my parents.
H found a high paying job but lost it after 6 months due to arrogance on his part. This I believe was the start of his low self esteem issues (MLC started?). Finds another job but a lot less pay and status.
I find a part time job to help out (finally).
H starts making comments that not happy anymore, we need to do something, no sex life. Not communicating what he really needs from me so I internalize to believe something wrong with me health wise, feeling “broken”. Couldn’t be emotions because I still felt them and love for H. Thought it was the meds, so I changed meds; (Didn’t realize effect of my upbringing until the S from H this year.)
My parents move up from prior city to be closer to us, and we spend a lot of time and effort moving them. More financial difficulties and no social life taking toll as well.
My dad gets a terminal cancer diagnosis. We spend a lot of time helping him.
At the same time we decide to have another child and I become pregnant. (Children are 10 years apart almost exactly). Had a girl and everything rosy for a few months.
H helps nurse my father until his death. (almost exact recreation of nursing his own father when he was a teen) Second trigger for MLC I think.
Daughter is 6 months old and H walks out. First ILYBINILWY speech. He says he needs space. I do everything wrong and end up telling him if he doesn’t come back by morning marriage over. (totally co-dependent panic)
H goes to SIL who convinces him to come back for the kids. I suggest MC but H totally against it. Leaves me to figure out what is wrong with marriage, indicates it is all on my part. No further effort on his part.
H starts on online virtual world site. Says he wants to maybe get into graphics for a career. I leave him alone for long periods of time online as I am trying to give him the space he says he needs to decide what he wants to do with his life. (start of EAs here)
I am spending more time with mom trying to deal with grief over dad’s loss and her inability to live on her own (very co-dependant too).
We talk of combining households (I suggest reno of our home to make room for Mom as lingering resentment over upbringing makes me doubt we can live together; H and Mom want a whole new bigger house)
We buy a bigger house but financially can barely afford it and spend 2 years getting rid of stuff my parents never did. Huge strain on H as I have no family to help.
More comments from H but refusal for MC during this time. I’m still trying to figure out what is wrong with me re: libido. Complaints from him about everything under the sun.
I get a job part time which leads to a full time job (finally) so things are looking up.
H mother diagnosed with lung cancer and is hospitalized. H devastated but I try to be supportive. The day before she is to come home after chemo treatments she passes away. (Final MLC blow I think)
I ask H how I can help him with grief. He says needs space and to be alone. So I try to do that. (Beginning of EA which turns to PA here.)
H tells me he met someone online who is a psych prof and says she is trying to help with his grief and our marriage. H not talking to me at all about personal feelings so I trust him and say if he needs to talk to her then fine (at least he was talking to someone I thought)
I find a job that doubles my income. Now making almost double what H is making.
Home life stressful due to tension between me and mom & Me and H.
H goes on a series of visits to old city to stay overnight with friends. Huge clues dropping about A but I have ostrich syndrome and don’t want to believe it.
Finally get the courage to check up on him and find he isn’t where he says he is. H is actually across borders visiting OW. Takes twice as long for him to come back from trip once I text him that I know he lied.
Get a call from OW claiming she wanted to know for sure if H is married. Says he lied to her, sends me copies of what he sent her proving single, says been going on for months.
Confront H – He denies everything, says she’s just spurned woman – I tell him I need him gone overnight so I can think. Want desperately to believe him so I do and let him back with condition of no Internet and MC.
H comes back and after a few weeks of good feelings, claims of love and that he’d never leave and continuous denials, says if I really loved him I would not put conditions on him. I buy the guilt trip finally and let him back on Net. No MC appointments made.
Keep giving him opportunities and outright asking him about whether A is true or not.
Two months of same old lies and he walks out and says he needs two weeks to “think of whether he wants to be here anymore”.
My co-dep world collapses and I say things I now regret (fears of him running off with our kids that he has recently thrown back at me). I am shaken out of the “feel feelings but not show them” coping mech that kicked in years ago. Uncontrollable crying and despair.
2 weeks in, the fog clears and I see our marriage as above and communicate my side to him through various talks. H shows understanding but says too late. ILYBINILWY speech again. Seems shocked at my version. Mad that I never told him how I felt all these years. Upset that of all people, I pushed HIM away.
3 weeks into S I find proof of PA and confront him over the phone. H lies his butt off but I’m clearer minded and won’t buy it. I tell him I’ll talk to him after work. H waits until 1 minute after my lunch hour starts to call me and wants to talk now. Confirms that story told by OW prior was truth. Confirmed he lied to my face all along. Ask him if he was willing to give up OW. H says no.
I send email to OW because I think H still lying to her too. H gets upset and won’t talk to me.
H won’t face me (avoids me) until I confront him and let him have it verbally. Tell him I can’t stop the image of him and her from playing on my brain. How I feel etc.
R arguments over next few weeks, me telling him we could work on new R, him saying too little, too late.
ILYBINILWY speech again.
Throws my comments re: images back at me. Says no chance to reconnect. All my fault, I pushed him to everything, etc.
H living at SIL so I can have most of his pays to support house and kids. OW still in picture (tho she lives in neighboring country). H says she has been trying to get him to come back to me (reverse psych by OW?) but he has convinced her he is done with our R. Says all he can offer me is friendship for sake of kids.
H blows off visit with kids and work for 1 week to go see her (I suspect) and goes dark with everyone for that time.
Comes back with renewed determination to go forward with OW and S.
What he’s said to me before I found out about PA:
- Can’t turn love feelings back on - Too little, too late - Feels worthless and like a failure to family - Needs time to get self-esteem back for me to “hold the fort” for the family (kissed me on the forehead afterwards) - Can’t go back to living the way we were again (no friends, no joy, no life) - I’d be better off without him
After I found out:
- Says I pushed him to the PA by shutting down - Said if I had picked up on his deliberate “clues” to the PA the first time he went away he would have broken it off with her - Can’t trust me to not shut down/hurt him again - Says changes I’ve made are a last ditch effort to keep him - Was happy with our family life, and being a husband but our R was horrible - Says OW loves him even though he lied to her about being married at first (obviously unconditional love as opposed to our 20 yr R!) - Says he is in love with her but at another point/day says he isn’t sure. When I question that, he says he just doesn’t want to hurt me anymore so he says he isn't - When I said I would fight for our R and would not agree to D, he said now you know how it feels to be the only one fighting - Responded to my saying OW must be the “love of his life” by saying “I didn’t say that” - Said that throughout all of the EAs and this PA he’s never said “I love you” to anyone (last week) - Out of the blue in a conversation about money he said “I want you to know I’m not enjoying this. I’m not out partying and seeing women all over the place.” (yesterday) - Said he’s noticed changes but can’t trust they are permanent - Said all he has in him is friends right now - Told me to go ahead with my life and if he should fit in somewhere down the years then so be it
What he’s told family:
- He feels he’s failed his wife, his family, and his marriage and can’t undo it so he is moving forward - He doesn’t think I would ever forgive him, he’s done too much damage - It would never be the same between us again. - I would never be able to trust him again. - If he ever comes back he wants to know that I want him not need him to be there - He thinks I hate him
What I’ve done so far:
- IC for self esteem, the emotional shut down, coping with stressors - Doing 180 – slipped a couple of times but trying to hang in there; trying not to be needy or show it - GAL, more care with appearance, taking advantage of “separation diet” and trying to lose more weight
What he’s done in last few weeks (guilt?):
- Fixed the dishwasher - Shoveled snow in driveway (big driveway) for me after first heavy snowfall - Arranged for turkey for me and kids for Xmas - Agreed to all my financial needs by living off SIL
What I think might be happening:
- H has huge self esteem issues and possible MLC - Childhood abuse = avoidance of direct confrontation with him and non-concientious behavior (not just leaving instead of EAs, taking the easy way in personal life) - He didn’t realize my side of the marriage problems, and convinced himself I felt the same way as he did to have the EA (Didn’t ask me how I felt either) - Blamed me to convince himself to go through with PA - Felt so guilty he couldn’t stand to see me daily and thought it best if he just leave - Has done so much convincing it was over to OW that even if he doesn’t feel in love with her he has to keep relationship with her going to save face and not hurt her too (easy way out)plus she is giving him support and good feelings (bleck)
I am struggling with:
- whether his words are signs he's wavering or just guilt? - how to get the OW out of my head (ideas of her getting pregnant on purpose to trap him, her manipulating him as he is vulnerable right now, etc. = wasted energy) - how to keep the detachment from him consistent in my head so I can get on with GAL and working on myself (I keep revisiting the sitch in my head)
Any and all help appreciated...
Me - 39 WAH - 42 S - 2 months M - 14 yrs D3.5, S13
