feel like giving up - talk to me!

[luvless]

Tuesday night dynamics -

H comes home and is in matter of fact mode..no kiss or hello. He asks where the kids are - they were all out - ended up staying over friends house we are alone all night.

We talked in the kitchen while I made him something to eat. He wanted to drink so poured us some rum. He has some drinks and we end up on the couch talking about R which he brought it up. He was saying the same stuff...how he is not happy and that he is mad at me.

I started crying and he says, "stop crying" I said, "No angrily I have to let it out." He actually looked upset. He put his hand on my arm and said, "this really upsets me...It bothers me to see you like this." We are going back and forth playing the blame game...you did this and you did that.

I brought up some traumatizing stuff that happened to our two toddlers and how I felt so alone...how I'm tired of feeling alone. How I was left to pick up the pieces without his support. He completely brushed that horrible incident under the rug...his way of coping. He said, "you never told me that." I said, "yes I did you just never listen to me...I tried to tell you just like now and you don't listen to me."

He says, "I know I've been a bad husband." I stopped...and said, "I am glad you are admitting that." He says, "I'm not perfect"..I say, "no one is it's just how we handle things." He says, "I've been listening to those tapes and it's made me think...I don't wanna lie anymore." He has listened to His Needs/Hers and now 5 Languages of Love.

What he is getting out of these tapes is not lying to himself? I haven't heard the second one yet but there is so much more to that. I guess he hears what he wants to hear. We still keep talking - he says, "I'm trying" I say, "I know you are trying and I respect you for that." We go back and forth talking about the R most bad some good.

H ends up crying about a card he bought for his grandfather. (He didn't have a relationship with his grandfather other than from 4-10) He says, "he's gonna die...just like my mom." I said, "I can understand your hurt." He says, "no you can't." (I have a grandmother is right now dying in my mother's home) I tell him, "what do you mean I don't understand? my grandmother (who has been a part of my entire life) is dying at moms...and I'm watching my mom dying as she is taking care of her!..how can you say that?"

Back track a little - H is adopted by this family. His mother left him with them at 10 years old when she and his adopted dad divorced. The dad sent him back to his mom...didn't want anything to do with him. This man didn't let his brother come to our wedding. H and dad didn't get along. Now the dad is back in his life and talks to him (he lives outta state) but whatever. So...he has never had a relationship with these people other than his grandmother who he visited here and there. She is the only one that has ever been supportive. I like her very much. I encouraged him to spend time with his mother while she was alive and he refused - I think he's blaming me for all this or at least I'm taking the brunt of all of this!

Ok going back to last night - He wanted to drink more. I said, "you shouldn't you have to work in the morning." I remembered ST - they hate to be told what to do so I said fine! He drank more. We ended up on the livingroom floor messing around. It was a weird night - some good things said...things I've never heard him say...but yet...I just feel him as distant as ever.

THIS MORNING - He gets up and is talkative...brings me coffee in bed..whoa wait a minute that's what my H used to do. He asks me, "come talk to me while I'm in the shower." Again! this is what my H does not this man.

Ok guys...this may not be very clear stuff but it's hard to remember every detail although you guys were in the back of my head the whole time!