(1) In practice, especially when the broken marriage has been limping along for a *long* time (i.e. 15, 20, 30+ years), each one of the generic steps to "recovery" that I outlined will take a proportionally long time. For example, "Phase 1" (getting past the anger and resentment and healing myself) took about six months while my wife and I were separated. It then took another few months to dig in and really study this relationship stuff to the point where felt like I had a much better idea as to HOW to have a successful marriage, as opposed to just *wanting* a better marriage (an education process which continues today). In other words, don't expect "overnight conversions" on your own part: (a) they don't work in the long-term, and (b) you'd be surprised at just how many old resentments, how much old rejection hurt, etc. you are still harboring (and which will rear up and bite you -- and her -- at unexpected moments). Give yourself time to digest and adjust yourself.
(2) The first two "Phases" that I described are also steps that SHE will have to go through. This means that for a time (several months) there will be a mismatch between what phases you and your wife are on, respectively. YOU might have worked hard to get past your own anger and resentment to the point of rediscovering your own hope in the potential for a healthy, happy relationship, but SHE is still stuck in Phase 1 --> angry, resentful, disappointed, hopeless, and resigned to the status quo. You have to give her time to walk that path.
In my own case, it took about six months or so of my working on Phase 2 before my wife had gotten through the bulk of Phase 1 and rediscovered *her own* hope for us as a happy couple again. Prior to that point, she was very skeptical of all of my proclamations about all of the great stuff that I had learned and was willing to change..."yeah right...you're about 20 years too late, buddy". Cinco took a similar (many month) time period of diligent work to bring his wife around.
You can't expect your wife to jump into Phase 4 just because you've gone through phases 1 & 2 yourself, and are making efforts at 3. That moment when she finally "gets it," and is willing to come on board with you, will *only* occur when she has passed through her own "valley" of expressing and exorcising most of the old "baggage" that you two have built up over 30+ years.
-- Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
