During the gut wrenching emotional chaos of the divorce I felt like a big muck of sticky tar goop which slowly dissolved revealing a bottle of Dom Perignon that when opened sparkled with precious effervescence.
It's been mentioned that I cling to the past. It's odd. I feel like I'm shedding what was bit by bit. While dismantling the fire hazard fake tree I thought of how Christmas is the same as it always been; the home, the kids, the caring and love. The former spouse is just not here and hadn't been. But him not being here is only a little part. I have growing perspective on what broke, not harboring blame, accepting my part. The dipsydoodle anger, emotional reaction ease bit by bit. After all, he is consistent. No surprises. Not a 'bad' guy.. just who he is. It's not my job to judge. Something else to let go of.
The year of the divorce process along with the coming first year anniversary after the divorce have been ones of great growth. In accepting his departure, I was shocked to realize I'd had no emotional growth. That things that had been an issue, like the sexual abuse, were right where they were 25 years ago.
Perhaps it was an alignment of the stars, moons, my husband's severing of all ties that was strong enough to force me to start facing things within my Self that cause hurt, being stilted.
Through sending blessings to my father and former spouse, forgiveness came. For that brief period before his death, I could love my father. Shortly before he died while doing Reiki I felt he was in such a good place, at peace, comfort, safe.. a shining shimmer of light around. What a beautiful quiet communion it was to share with my dad, to KNOW he was in a good place. For me to be at peace. To know love and to mourn his death. To wish there'd been more time. A gift.
Through our early childhood and adolescence my sister and I often experienced the abuse together. After all this time she's in a place of healing through addressing extenuating issues and involved in counseling. And because we both are in 'good' places, we're 'safe' places. We speak more frequently. Each time we talk, I feel muck release.. much like Shrek's gaseous emissions in his cesspool jacuzzi. They just come up often with no memory, thought.. just muck coming to the surface and dissipating. It leaves me very oddly unsettled when it happens. I limit our phone calls to once a week.. every other week if I end up feeling too weird.
My father's death means we're safe. My children are safe. I never thought the fears were so deeply anchored.
I've often wondered why I rarely just 'do' things. Many times I won't try something new. It's easier to hide. A simple decision is filled with all the consequences, short and long term with a liberal coating of procrastination thrown in.
A few days ago as my daughter and I were shoveling the massive amount of snow off the deck, she made a soft snowball and lobbed it me. I ignored it. She made another one, did the same.. very gently. I knew she was playing so I tossed one back. She threw another one. A flash of anger came up and I gently threw up a bit of the soft snow behind me which landed a bit more abundantly than I intended on her.
I later asked myself why I don't 'play'. Being a Southern by birth, I never was around snow until my teens. I thought snowball fights were supposed to be fun. Unfortunately my memories are of being hit with icy snowballs at top speeds. Anything that invades my space puts me on alert on edge. A deep seated distrust is stronger than innocent actions.
Just last night I realized that I've been hyper vigilant all my life, always on guard. I monitor my thoughts in everything I do.. writing, how I expose myself. And this is a realization I have on and off over time. Yet each time it makes its way through I'm amazed. Layers are dissolving. A calm slowly settles.
So.. I'm often clueless about me, where I'm at. I still usually feel like I'm a failure, not good enough. Old messages whose impact I've been lessening over time. It took me decades to something basic.. like a sense of self. The last two years I've learned 'boundaries', the loosening the grip of co-dependency and simple decision making models.
There's no need to fix, do it all, not ask for help. Life does not need to lived with a velcro butt.. pretty darn hard to, too.
Anyway.. I still yitz and yutz. And do good and great. And learn that life is one big horizon. Things don't change overnight.. but perspective and understanding grow.
I'm not anyone else. My pace, my way of dealing with things reflect the growing respect I have for myself, my decisions, recognizing the weakness and giving more boosts toward my strengths.
My goal is to see what is good and strong about me first instead of all my (perceived) failings. To deal with what messes with what brings harmony and move forward without my zillion questions and fears.
To say goodbye to what doesn't work. To embrace what does. To give thanks for all the wonderful friends and family I have on every medium. Let go of fear. To live life.
Thank you for being here... gentle handprints on my heart.
