SC, just re-read your thread. It's seriously like reading a page from my diary. Thank you so much for putting all of this into words for others to see. Our sitches are so similar.
The constant crying you mention...when I think back, I feel so stupid for doing that in front of my H all the time, in hindsight, it feels so humiliating. All the times he'd walk right by me or tell me to move out of the way and, me, standing there like an idiot with tears streaming down my face, so pathetic and crying! What a joke!
You said he was more absent when he lived with you... can so 100% relate. Having him home was like having a ghost in the house, one you could see. I aways said he was like my formal living room sofa... there, but not really serving a purpose. All image, creating the illusion of what is supposed be this happy thing when it wasn't.
He always told me how lucky I was to be married to him. "You're so lucky, Sol. You won the lottery when you married me! Everyone says how great I am!" And I did feel lucky. The love I had was to a point of distraction. Maybe I love too much?
With all that said, I recognize my faults and accept things I could have done differently, should have, could have, and didn't. We could have communicated better. We could have tried in a different way. Maybe we still can. I hope so.
Reading your post is so refreshing. I'm not sure what my story's future holds but it's like looking into the mirror when I read what you've written here.
I wish you well in the future and so much happiness it hurts. That is great you are feeling so brave and awesome these days and finding joy.
That is great you are feeling so brave and awesome these days and finding joy. 