Oh Gno! What is going on?

[Gnosis]

Final Defining Moments

Until now I've avoided demonizing my W. I've made excuses for her and tried to justify her behavior and will probably continue to do this below. This recent event was one of the defining moments that broke my resolve to work this out:

Last week Mrs Gno invited me to go to a Christmas play being held at a large church. The entrance fee consisted of taking foodstuff to feed orphans and homeless kids. I readily accepted. This was the first time in a very long time that she has asked me to accompany her to any kind of event. That afternoon she went to the supermarket, purchased the items and dropped them off at the church to collect the tickets.

That evening prior to leaving she spent about two hours constantly nagging me to be ready. One thing to bear in mind here is that I'm a male, I'm usually ready within 30 minutes, unlike the two hours (no kidding) Mrs Gno requires. Bear in mind that she's a very a Swiss/clockwork oriented person who expects everything to be executed within a strict timeline (which does not apply to her...) I kept my cool, bit my tongue and let it be. I'm used to it afterall.

After two hours of nagging topped off with a tongue-lashing (for being less than a handul of minutes late) we finally get in the car. Note, I was cool and didn't let this bother me. This behavior is par for the course, expected and flies by without registering.
As we drive off Surprise #1 is sprung: SIL is joining us. My W knows that I dislike SIL with a passion. I hold my tongue. We then have to wait in the street for ten minutes until SIL emerges and gets into the car. No excuse made, no reprimand given. I hold my tongue. Par for the course. We set off. I swap formalities and engage casual conversation. When we get near the church W slaps her forehead and realizes she left the tickets at home. SIL suggest we go ahead because surely they will remember W and let us in. (She's a master at using her charms to get herway) My opinion is to return home (which is close) and get the tickets. Idea rejected. Okaaaaay.... bite tongue, temperature rising.

Due to SIL's delay we are late and there is no parking in the church grounds. SIL is despatched to take care of the ticket issue while we look for parking. We park. I'm slightly agitated at this point and need to calm down so I tell W, "I need a smoke. Go ahead, get the tickets and I'll catch up with you at the entrance." No smoking allowed on the church grounds. It is 7:30pm and the play starts at 8pm, so, plenty of time.

After my cigarette and much calmer I head off to find them. I walk calmly up and down the queue at the entrance looking for them. I can't find them. So I assume that SIL is probably using her charm still. I join the end of the queue hold a place. The queue moves forward until I need to step out of it and let other people pass. I wait. No sign of them. I can't call her because I don't have a cellphone. I wait... and wait... until 8:30pm. I can hear the play (a musical) has started. The queue is empty and I'm standing around like a fool. I leave and go to where the car is parked, maybe they had to go home and get the tickets afterall. No dice. The car is still there.

My blood is boiling at this point. I kick myself for giving W the keys to the apartment because now I'm trapped - I can't go in because I don't have tickets, I don't have any cash with me so I can't buy tickets. I can't go home because I don't have the keys. So I did the only thing I could do. Sat on the pavement to wait until the show ended. I spent the time smoking and praying (yeah, contradictory... I know) When the show ended I waited. I made a mental note to be calm. When I saw them I asked W, "Did you enjoy the show?" Affirmative. I replied, "Good. I'm glad you did," and I meant it. She asked, "Where were you sitting?" I replied, "Right here." And I pointed towards the pavement.

She was shocked and asked me why I hadn't gone straight into the church. Apparently when they went in through the back entrance and before a ticket collectors had "setup shop." They were waiting for me inside the church and had kept a seat for me. A thing to note here is that the church is one of those modern ones that seats over a thousand people... so WAS logic defines that I should have gone in and waded through a thousand or so people to find them. She was blabbing excuses and getting backup from SIL who apparently did me the great service or standing up and looking for me inside. Trying to maintain my patience I told W, "Don't worry about it. I was were I was supposed to be. Drop the subject." We're in the car by now and she refuses to drop it.

She continues to make excuses and SIL is babbling on backing her up. I didn't hear much but do recall politely asking them to change the subject a few times. They didn't and I lost it. I barked loudly, "Shut up. Just shut the F up." They did. One thing to note, using "Shut up" is very offensive to my W, I know this and have never said it to her in front of others. There was a temporary silence before she tried to open up again. I lost it and with the utmost contempt in my voice I asked her, "IS THIS THE WAY YOU TREAT YOUR F'G HUSBAND?" That got the message through and she left me alone.

I don't think of my W as vindictive and don't think this was a malicious plot. It happened, but the one thing that hurts is that this is not the W I know. If I had been anyone else, a friend, even a casual aquantance, she would not have sat comfortably in a chair. She would have walked around until she found that person and then would lead them to the seats. That night I was treated worse than a dog. For that I blame the bane of my M, my SIL, the serpent in the garden of Eden.

~~~~~~~~~

Please don't read the above as an attempt to invoke sympathy. Some will call it abuse or find a fancy psycho-babblic term for it. I call it indifference. I wrote the above to explain why I've cut the rope.

[Drew]

Sounds kind of petty to me.

[soleil]

I don't read that story as petty. It's like the straw that broke the camel's back. You said the problems/tension has been going on for about 7 months (limbo land) so any little thing was ready to send you over the moon. Also, it's understandable you'd be upset that she made no effort to find you herself, especially when you told the SIL where you'd be (outside smoking).

Like Mrs. Gno, "Shut up" is quite offensive to me but I get where you were feeling "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" Haha

I had 50 voicemails. The first few started off with a reasonable voice wanting me to call. Then her tone of voice escalated through to angry and demanding. From that point forward I didn't bother listening and wiped out the rest of the voicemails.

Think that's too harsh? Weeeeeeeeeell... I got my reasons too!

Nope. Not at all. Who wants to call someone back who is screaming into the phone? Makes total sense.

She was mad because the rug has finally been pulled out from under her feet.

BINGO!!!You finally made a move out of Limbo Land that she probably sensed coming but didn't think it would actually come to fruition.

This was the first time in a very long time that she has asked me to accompany her to any kind of event.

It's not a good feeling/realization when you notice you haven't been doing stuff together in a long time but an important one.

I spent the time smoking and praying (yeah, contradictory... I know)

This made me laugh, Gno.

Did it stop raining yet?

[mindfull]

G - I get it! I had a good laugh re: smoking and praying, too! Ha!

Keep movin' on! Hopefully, you need sunscreen today! Wouldn't want you to have to go the orange route!

[iwantittowork]

Hey Gno,

I read that story, and felt like she takes you for granted. That's the kind of thing that builds resentment, and ultimately you need to define what you willing to accept.

The only way around being taken for granted, or dispelling resentment is to communicate!

There's several spots in your story, where you could also have worked on communication, as there are a whole of assumptions being made, probably on both sides. Your W figured you would find your way inside, you figured she would be in line, and while you couldn't connect at that moment rather than build frustration and resentment in the car, you may have been able to take the lead a bit.

I know in your sitch, you may not be at that point, and it may be more beneficial to 'shake things up' to break the stalemate, though..

Just some thoughts, wish you well man!

[Drew]

Let me clarify. I didn't know Gno's sitch when I made my statement. I was merely looking at this one interaction with an outsider's objective eye. And my thoughts parallel iwantittowork's.

And if this is a 2x4, so be it.

Gno, you complain that SIL made you late, but then say you're plenty early, arriving at 7:30 PM for a 8:00 PM show. Which is it? Then, even though you don't have a cell phone to stay in touch, you chose to leave the group to go have a smoke. At that point, it's YOUR responsibility to catch up with the group. They did the smart thing and went inside and SAVED YOU A SEAT. Sounds pretty considerate to me. And quite honestly, my church holds a lot more than 1000 people and I can find someone saving me a seat in oh, two minutes or so.

No ticket you say? It's a church event, I'm sure if you went to the counter and explained that your party was already inside while you were parking the car/smoking they would have let you in. And you didn't need money for a ticket, they were taking charitable food donations as you stated.

Instead, you chose to stay outside and pout. Then picked a fight.

There are two sides to every story.

I'm a stubborn SOB too, but I'm working on it .....

We all have to own up to our relationship faults or we are doomed to repeat them.

[dday101798]

Drew beat me to it, sorry Gno, but you're in the wrong on this one. You should have took the initiative to catch up, I smoke too, so I know where my responsibilities lie to make up for the 'down time'.

You chose to sit out and saulk on your own.

Suffice it to say, I think you owe your W an apology.

[Gnosis]

Looks like I got some more egg-splaining to do...

Soleil: It's like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yeah Sol. That it was.

Soleil: Did it stop raining yet?

Yes, it did

Handful: Wouldn't want you to have to go the orange route!

LOL, definitely not! I've lived the majority of my life in warm, sunny climates and rarely go pink... never mind orange!

iwantittowork: I read that story, and felt like she takes you for granted. That's the kind of thing that builds resentment, and ultimately you need to define what you willing to accept.

Hey IWITW, yeah, it does build resentment and my resentment levels have hit overflow.

iwantittowork: The only way around being taken for granted, or dispelling resentment is to communicate!

I agree with you 100%. With that in mind I have communicated, validated etc in the past. I'm worn out from the perceived one-sided effort. She's probably trying in her own way too. You would say that she deserves the benefit of the doubt. She's gotten that... to a point. Psychology is what she studied, qualified and worked in for a while for crying out loud. Is it too much to make use of the skills you have been trained for? I guess not. (And yes, I'm angry, I know that...)

iwantittowork: There's several spots in your story, where you could also have worked on communication, as there are a whole of assumptions being made, probably on both sides. Your W figured you would find your way inside, you figured she would be in line, and while you couldn't connect at that moment rather than build frustration and resentment in the car, you may have been able to take the lead a bit.

2X4 from yourself, Drew and Dylan acknowledged. Yes, I could have. On the would have, should have side... I CHOSE not to. I've had enough. More on this below:

Drew, I haven't looked up your thread and don't know your story... I'll look it up. Thanks to both yourself and IWITW for taking the time to post. I DO APPRECIATE IT.

Drew: Let me clarify. I didn't know Gno's sitch when I made my statement. I was merely looking at this one interaction with an outsider's objective eye. And my thoughts parallel iwantittowork's. And if this is a 2x4, so be it.

Got it, no offense taken and 2X4 appreciated.

Drew: Gno, you complain that SIL made you late, but then say you're plenty early, arriving at 7:30 PM for a 8:00 PM show. Which is it?

We were made late according to Mrs Gno's timetable and schedule. For me, I'm pretty much more easy going. My W's frustration and anxiety apply only to me, not to members of her family or friends. That day I'd had enough of the double-standards.

Drew: Then, even though you don't have a cell phone to stay in touch, you chose to leave the group to go have a smoke. At that point, it's YOUR responsibility to catch up with the group.

To clarify... there was no group. SIL had already been dispatched to get new tickets. It was W and I that were walking towards the church. I asked her to wait for me to have a cigarette and then continue together. She turned it down. She hates smoking, so I don't hold it against her. I told her, "OK, go ahead and I'll meet up with the two of you AT THE ENTRANCE."

Drew: They did the smart thing and went inside and SAVED YOU A SEAT. Sounds pretty considerate to me.

Sounds reasonable. Reason also dictates that since you have a foreigner who is not familiar with this church or its layout that you would at least send ONE person in to retain the seats while the other waits for him. Reason dictates that you don't sneak in via the backdoor and get yourselves some cushy seats... Anyhoo... reason has no place here its all emotions.

Drew: And quite honestly, my church holds a lot more than 1000 people and I can find someone saving me a seat in oh, two minutes or so.

I agree with you because you are familiar with the territory. You know where your W/H would stake out a seat. You know whether they would go upstairs or downstairs, sit near the front or the back. Etc... Yep, I can make make excuses too.

Drew: No ticket you say? It's a church event, I'm sure if you went to the counter and explained that your party was already inside while you were parking the car/smoking they would have let you in. And you didn't need money for a ticket, they were taking charitable food donations as you stated.

You're right here. I could have, if I had a CLUE that they were inside and not running around trying to convince someone they had a ticket. Here my own personal principles worked against me. I could have left the line and gone looking for the office and bumbled my way through. I was reluctant to leave the entrance because I didn't want to miss them.

Drew: Instead, you chose to stay outside and pout. Then picked a fight.

OK, strange as it may seem I didn't pout or feel sorry for myself. Yes, I probably could have sneaked in to watch the show. I could have. At that point though I was ANGRY. I know myself and would not have enjoyed the show. When my temper flares I know its better for me to find a quiet place and cool off.

Drew: There are two sides to every story.

Yes, there are.

Drew: I'm a stubborn SOB too, but I'm working on it .....

I hear you and wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope you will be the next success story here.

Drew: We all have to own up to our relationship faults or we are doomed to repeat them.

Gotcha on that.

[Gnosis]

dday101798: Drew beat me to it, sorry Gno, but you're in the wrong on this one.

OK, I'll accept that. I'm wrong.

dday101798: You chose to sit out and sulk on your own.

dday101798: Suffice it to say, I think you owe your W an apology.

I'm tired of apologizing Dylan.

I'm tired of being controlled.

I'm tired of trying to understand.
I'm tired of validating.
I'm tired of biting my tongue and being the reasonable one.
I'm tired of the endless nagging for the most insignificant little things.
I'm tired of being the villain.
I'm tired of my SIL poisoning the well.
I'm tired of the ridiculous double standards.
I'm tired of being the villain.
I'm tired of bowing down to her.
I'm tired of.... many more things than I have the patience to write out here.

Its time to cut loose. Give her what she wants and hope she is happy. I know I will be.

EDIT: I think this is what we call battle fatigue.

[dday101798]

Sorry buddy, I'm still of the stance that you chose to smoke, so you were behind, your place to catch up, irregardless of where YOU said to. It would have been simple enough to explain the situaion to an usher and been done with it. If they wouldn't have let you in, they certainly would have looked for her and brought her to the entrance.