1. Couldn't he have had the decency to wait until after the holidays? 2. I need to know how to handle him better. 3. Can I write him a letter, an email, telling him - relatively toned-down, how I feel? 4. He seems to have no heart or conscience right now. 5. My family and friends have helped me see good in me and the negativity in him lately, so why do I feel like it's all my fault again?
1. Decency flies out the window with a WAS. 2. You can't "handle" him. You have NO CONTROL over his thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't bother. You do however have complete control over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions...so exercise the control that you do have. 3. He already knows how you feel. Believe me. If you keep telling him how you feel, you're just gonna remind him even more that, right now, he doesn't feel that way. Let it go. 4. That's because, relatively speaking, he doesn't have a heart or conscience right now concerning the relationship. It's where he's at. 5. That's because there is good in you, bunches of it. You're not having compassion for yourself...and you must. You must not only care about your hurts, you must be willing to do something about them.
I hope you have a great night...a restful sleep too.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
HHH, I too (although so very difficult) am making myself do things. I'm much stronger this time around. This happened two years ago for me too (found out of an affair with my best friend, he wanted out). I'm a different woman then I was then. Stronger. I too have found that I'm getting back to my old self. Laughing a lot, I've found that the time I do spend with him or talking usually ends up dragging me down. I've come along away and I hated hearing time heals it is true. We are not divorced yet but separated. My H is in a bad place and although that doesn't make me happy we are in different places mentally. He is going backwards and getting worse and I continue to improve.
If we end up divorced I too am considering a move. I'm here anytime HHH
I think you should talk to an attorney and see what s/he says about the tuition money. Of course I think you deserve to get it back, but you'll have to weigh the cost of the attorney against how much you're looking to recover.
BTW, he can't make you feel like a bitch or anything else if you don't allow it. You are in charge of your own feelings.
Stop beating yourself up over this. Really stop. No one is perfect. You tried to save the M, H didn't. That's his choice. But you need to let him own his choice.
I'm happy to hear you can transfer your job to SF. That's one less thing to worry about!
Oh, and let me know if you'll be in SF Jan 6-9. I'm heading out there for a few days of Pearl time. I'd love to get together if you're interested.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 12/23/0908:09 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearl - that would be loads of fun to see you in SF and yes I still will be here then. How best to get in touch off the boards?
It is nice and sunny out here which does brighten my mood - away from the east coast cold. Hope you are having a nice holiday season so far! Thanks for everything -hhh
((((H)))) I have just read your recent posts, & am sorry for your pain. Haven't been on here too much lately due to work. But I wanted to check in & give you my support. There are a lot of similarities in our situations, when you talk about how your H acts he sounds like mine. Right now I am having a major anger phase, but have been so busy w work it's kept my mind off it somewhat. This is a tough time of year, I too am really dreading it. Probably a blessing I have so much going on w work now.
The only thing I can tell you that may help, because it helped me was, ask your dr. about going on ADs. They might help you through this rough time. I hate taking stuff too, but you can go on them for a time, then taper off. Maybe think about it. Second, have you talked to a lawyer? A 3 page doc he just wants you to sign?? sounds a little suspect to me. H, please take it to a L to review before you sign anything.
And, I think you should listen to Pearl. I really do think she's right. Don't take what your H says to heart - if you do it will make you crazy. He's not the same, just like my H is not the same guy I married. Yes, it hurts like hell. But we cant talk to them like they are the people they used to be. It wont' work. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I am here for you too, & will try to check in again soon. Hang in there H, you can do this. Please take care of yourself. (((H))))
I'm so wrapped up with the holidays I haven't made any plans yet. My cousin and I are going to see King Tut one of the evenings and have cocktails. Looking forward to the hopefully warm and sunny weather. I remember coming back to the city after the holidays and being able to wear shorts. I swore I would never leave--why did I??
Have a merry Christmas!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks LFA, I think about you too a lot given the similarity in our sitchs. Doing OK. Xmas was tough, i cried most of the a.m. and then got annoyed w myself for doing so. My mom and I then went to family friends' house for dinner which was nice, took a walk in nature which made me feel better. Yesterday was a little better, spent the evening w friends. Mom took me to meet some friends sons (yikes!) that she wanted me to 'meet' (it seemed like a set-up, no interest and also feel like I'm not ready...don't want to engineer the process, would rather let it unfold naturally).
But last night had a wonderful dream about H. So weird...woke up sad that it wasn't real. I feel like I'm back into oscillating a bit into the denial phase, like can this really be happening? Even though he was not in my life most of this year the finality had not come yet so it was an odd sense of comfort, feeling like things could turnaround. Now really unlikely and hard to grasp...I just don't want to accept it. Know I have to move forward but a big part of me does not want to.
I do feel better out here in CA though...with family friends and distractions and different environment without all the H memories. One day at a time I keep trying to tell myself. I just cannot imagine bringing myself to sign those papers though, physically I dont know how I ever will b/c I so don't want to.
I hope you had a nice Xmas. Thinking of you too and happy holidays. Have you gone on any dates since your separation? Being busy at work helps too, i know... Take care, hhh
Hi Pearl! Hope you had a nice Xmas! I know you recommended the book Love Must be Tough by Dobson. Can you tell me which one specifically it is (on amazon looks like several books by same title: New Hope for Marriage in Crisis, Family in Crisis, etc, or just plain Love must be tough). Sounds like it will be a good one for me to read. Happy New Year! -hhh
