Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[chatterbug]

Cutter, my WH did used to say that just being with me was what made him happy. He didn't call 2x per day though...we always only called each other before heading home from work. Our schedules were not in sync with me teaching all day and he had various meetings or being at his desk.

He is also BIG on affirmation, perhaps b/c he is less secure than you are? I love affirmation so I am insecure, too!

Liked doing small thoughtful things for her. Little things. Like remove the snow from the car for her. Buy her a book on quotes of her fav. sport. make her cd's of music. She thought I was very set in my ways.

THIS sounds JUST LIKE WH!! He was/is sooo thoughtful. I am a big picture person, so if I know he likes cigars or pinot noir for example, I would get him some of those things. But I would not notice the year and vineyard of the pinot noir he liked or the style of cigar (he indulges like 4xa year but still collects them!) He was detail person.

So, I am trying to be aware of those things. I am giving him a photo of S inside a picture frame that says I love my Daddy that he can put on his desk. I think this may count as a thoughtful gesture. I made sure he had fresh towels in the bathroom for S's bath instead of making him go to get them from the cupboard. He loves Mtn. Dew for a caffeine pick me up so I made sure it is stocked in the fridge. Are these things on the right track?

I used to show love to him with affection, admiration, and conversation.

Think of it this way. ( My view on my self )

It was a very nice jesture that you picked up the wine and cigar. I would enjoy them very much because you took some time to pick up something that I enjoyed. Very thoughtful. But I would have rather gone out with you and picked them out and you explaining to me why that one caught your eye. Then buy them. That would have ment more.

Same with the Mtn. Dew. I would rather have gone shopping and got them. Spent time with you. Maybe get dragged around to look at some shoes. Maybe I take off to some electronic store. But were out together. And our independence is working together. Both doing different things. But at the same time we meet back up. Whats 15 to 20 minutes in an afternoon of puttering about.

My life before all this came down. Revolved around weekend daytrips. Little gardening. Wife home at 7 PM with dinner waiting. If we had sports then we would see each other later. Then she started to work more and more. So 7PM became 8PM. ( 1 hour commute each way ) But she would call. And at the end of the week. She would be beat. So I planned the weekend around the little things she would like. She complained about the commute and her work. I stated I did not like my work anymore.
Our weekends changed from puttering about to going to look at stuff to fix the kicthen. But she would not write anything down. Stick to a plan. So I got frustrated. Our precious time together was been destroyed.

So I would plan out vacations so we could find ourselves again. Spend hours and hours working on them. It felt like I was with her doing all this work and planning out our trip. Then we would go away and spend 2 weeks toghether. It would reset our clocks. We enjoyed each others company. Had a good time.

Then we would fall back into the routine again. So I started to add extra activities to do in the evenings because I was lonely. When I complained about it. I also stated I knew that this was small sacafrices to pay now for the future togheter when we could spend more time togheter.

Our last trip together was last fall. It was a veg and relax week at a resort. And we fell completely in love again. Our love was always there. But the inlove really kicked in.

Then came the promotions at work. And the conversations about how it was going to be very hard for me over the next few months to year as she was going to have to work many hours. My feelings of being a part time husband crept back. So I started to do more and more little things for her so we could spend time together. But at the same time I started to set up a different life for myself as well. I also started to drink lots of wine to avoid dealing with what was going on in my head.

As time went on. I felt that I was being taken advantage of. Here I was doing all the work around the house, cooking , cleaning and just being alone. While I had a full time job that was also time consuming. I just felt that I was being used. So now when she bought me a gift. I resented it. Here she was saying she was so busy with work but she could get me something after work that I could pick up myself. I wanted time together not gifts. I felt as if they were guilt gifts due to not seeing each other anymore. So I countered again by just saying I am not going to do these little things for her. Lets see if she will pick up the slack. Lets see if she still cares about her surroundings. Lets see if she cares about me. And I watched silently as everything fell apart in the house. I became depressed. Shut down. (This is when the EA started ... ) So now I would complain about the time apart. I would show how unhappy I was. And she would counter by working to 9pm and being sleepy all weekend. Or girls weekends. 3 real ones. One fake one. I knew the fake one because she brought back beer and cheese for me. But it was the experience of buying that beer and cheese I wanted. Not the beer and cheese.

I wrote her a six page letter telling her that the most important thing in the world to me was spending time with her. And I spilled my guts on the previous paragraphs. I gave it to her 2 days before D day.

It shocked her to the core. I opened up. I expressed how much I loved her.

I did notice that when she tossed out our keepsakes ( cards , etc ) she did not toss that letter out. I also noticed that when she used spite against me near the end. She took all her stuff that she needed and left her dress behind. Its the only thing that hangs up in one room. That was her attacking me via her love languages. Parting gifts to hurt. As its how she communicates. I also returned the favour. I denyed her music, pictures, and completely communicated to her that I would not do any little thoughtful things for her by using silence and in-difference. It is also being dark. But I knew I was using this as a weapon as well.

I do know she took that card and letter with her. Because she was very visual on leaving things behind. All her actions are very visual. Just like how mine are sutle.

Were your husband and I differed was that I took up coaching to counter the alone. I also took up red wine. I shut down. Escaped into my own world.

Would I have walked if this kept up??? I do not know the answer to that question. It is one I think about though. Her mom thought I was going to walk 5 years ago. When she was a "bitch on wheels" to quote her mom. I did not. Nor did I think I would. I stood firm and silent as a husband. And weathered the storm. And it is then when it started to spiral down. I will talk about that time frame in detail later. You have enough here to read.

Does this help you in anyway?