What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Sleepy]

Coach,

Is that all I need to do...share my day? Today I used the advice I took from one of the books I read and just shut up and listened to her experiences about driving in the holiday traffic. I validated her experience. It seemed like things went well.

Later, she went out Christmas shopping and when she came home I was on the couch reading a book to one of my kids. She went off on me for not starting the meat loaf for dinner. It kinda threw me because I didn’t even know I should have been making the meat loaf. I've never done that before. There was no phone call or text telling me to get it started...Nothing but anger because I wasn’t doing anything. Calmly, I told her if she would have let me know I would have been more than happy to get it started. Then I moved to another room with my child and finished the chapter of the book.

Later, I was helping her hold a bowl while she scooped something in it and of course out of the two choices I had to hold the item, I picked the wrong one. It cracked me up when she sarcastically told me this and I couldn’t stop laughing, then we both were laughing.

It just seems like she is just looking for things to get angry with me for and all are trivial. I’m getting mixed signals. I don’t think she is seeing an OM now. She wants me to trust her. I still see occasional anger but it isn’t as severe.

How can I let her in my room? Will it just take some time? Do you think she will give me the signal or should I still force that master bedroom play there was talk of earlier?


Thanks all of you for your responses. They all have helped me a lot. It seems since I came to this board things seem to be going in the right direction now.

R2C, I will keep the other women talk out of it. It was an uncomfortable laugh so I think that statement bothered her.

[Ready2Change]

Most conflict between loved ones results from the pain of disconnection-"Love without hurt" Stosny

Is that all I need to do...share my day?

That is ONE of many things.

Today I used the advice I took from one of the books I read and just shut up and listened to her experiences about driving in the holiday traffic. I validated her experience. It seemed like things went well.

PERFECT! That is another thing. Just listen to her story with undivided attention. Wait for her to ask for your input before giving advise.

She went off on me for not starting the meat loaf for dinner.

There are deeper things that need to be addressed. She is frustrated about other things, and vents on this. Of coarse SURPRISING her by taking the initiative of making dinner without being told is very attractive.

It kinda threw me because I didn’t even know I should have been making the meat loaf. I've never done that before. There was no phone call or text telling me to get it started...

IF YOU GET DIVORCED, NO ONE WILL REMIND YOU EITHER. Pretend that you are already divorced. Who will be making dinner for your kids during YOUR PARENTING TIME? Great, now Surprise W.

Nothing but anger because I wasn’t doing anything.

There are stuffed emotions. Let her own them and be compassionate.

Calmly,

Good start.

I told her if she would have let me know I would have been more than happy to get it started.

This sounds like blaming. Anyway to take some responsibility with out blame. "Sorry, I was reading with S and was not thinking about dinner yet. Would you like to come finish reading to S while I go start dinner?"

Later, I was helping her hold a bowl while she scooped something in it and of course out of the two choices I had to hold the item, I picked the wrong one. It cracked me up when she sarcastically told me this and I couldn’t stop laughing, then we both were laughing.

Great response from you. Laughing helps....

It just seems like she is just looking for things to get angry with me for and all are trivial.

YES. Do not fuel her anger. It is coming from somewhere else. Just accept that she may become angry. "Resentment ends at the spouse no matter what initially stimulated it"-Stosny

It is your job as H to understand and allow her to own her angry.

I’m getting mixed signals. I don’t think she is seeing an OM now. She wants me to trust her.

Just be the best option, but do not tolerate her seeing OM. You will need to have transparency.

How can I let her in my room? Will it just take some time? Do you think she will give me the signal or should I still force that master bedroom play there was talk of earlier?

I would have already moved into master bedroom. The sooner the better.

since I came to this board things seem to be going in the right direction now.

Just keep making positive changes to the way you interact. Some of the positive changes will appear to be counter intuitive. Moving back into the MB is a good example. This is a bold move, you will feel unconfortable. She will most likely react with anger. BE THE ROCK.

R2C, I will keep the other women talk out of it. It was an uncomfortable laugh so I think that statement bothered her.

The art of seduction talks about insinuation and stiring emotions. I believe seducing your wife will be more effective than threats.....

[Sleepy]

R2C,

Excellent advice and feedback. Thanks for taking an interest in my situation. Your's and others on this board have made a huge impact.

I will get "The Art of Seduction" I think I will hide that one in a better place ;-)

This morning she was happy without any signs of anger. I'm actually starting to sleep at night and the blepharospasms (caused by fatigue and emotional distress) in my left eye are gone now.

[bluerain]

Hi Tridoc, if she is looking for a reason to get angry, dont take the bait! Validate, validate, validate! If that doesnt work, leave the conversation, leave the room, leave the house, but dont bite!

[Sleepy]

The past few days have been good for me. My W has been fairly pleasant her mood is softening. She even did a favor for me the other day. There was an outburst of anger today from her when she became upset that I hadn’t swept the rugs all week, but the agreement with the DB board was that the housework was to be kept to a minimum and I have kept my word. I validated her anger, but the response from me was cookbook, and her return quip was “Where did that come from one of those books you have been reading?” At first became angry but I tried not to show it. I thought, this is her anger, her boundary, why should I let it bother me.

She is a very intelligent woman...I can’t pull these “catch phrases” on her.

When she started in with the vacuum, I picked up the hand held and helped. I suppose I wanted to foster the team approach. We need to work together.

Christmas eve was nice, we went to my in-laws; A pleasant get together.

When we returned home, it had snowed. The snow had blown up on the windows and they were frosted up like you would see in a fictional Christmas story. I lit a fire and the entire picture was just beautiful. I thought to myself, I hope it’s not my last Christmas with my family. If it is, God truly gave me a gift. I’m so lucky.

While we waited for the kids to fall asleep, she put in a chick flick, "Julie and Julia". This movie was indeed porn for women. Both of the husbands in the movie were so supportive of their wives, but I got it. If you really love someone, you will listen to and support them in anything they do. My W had an affair because I wasn’t there for her. I didn’t listen to her and give the emotional support that she was craving. I get it now. I saw it. I just hope that I’m not too late.

After the movie, we played Santa and Mrs. Santa. We were stuffing the stockings when all of a sudden everything that was on the mantel crashed onto my head. I cracked up.. then she cracked up and asked if I was OK. It was a great way to end the evening. She said goodnight and went turned in to the master bed room. While I retired to my room.

Tomorrow I am thinking about moving back into the master bedroom. Things seem to be going so well right now and I’m not looking forward to the conflict that this may stir up. I suppose I need some reassurance.

[Wonderful!]

Doc, I'm glad your Christmas eve went so well. Returning to your bed is a good and timely move.our wives seem like they are a lot alike. So expect resistence but don't back down once you announce your decision. You can handle it(to borrow from Coach). Merry Christmas!

[robx]

There was an outburst of anger today from her when she became upset that I hadn’t swept the rugs all week, but the agreement with the DB board was that the housework was to be kept to a minimum and I have kept my word. I validated her anger, but the response from me was cookbook, and her return quip was “Where did that come from one of those books you have been reading?” At first became angry but I tried not to show it. I thought, this is her anger, her boundary, why should I let it bother me.

She is a very intelligent woman...I can’t pull these “catch phrases” on her.

Don't assume that because she's an intelligent woman that you can't use the responses as you've learned them, use them, the words still have meaning even if they feel like they are canned material. Set the boundary, she can be angry, but if she gets angry at you and yells at you, that is your boundary she is crossing, not hers. As for the housework, if she expects you to be responsible for it while she isn't responsible for it, that's another boundary she's crossing, she doesn't get to be angry at you and she doesn't get to use you as her servant/slave, be very careful and cognizant of that. It's important.

I hope the move back to your bedroom works well for you, in the end, expect her to get angry, that isn't an issue. Remember she's going to get angry at you, she's going to stand up to you and make you feel small and try to push you back into your little place, stand up to her, not like an a$$hole or a jerk but as a calm, cool, collected man who doesn't let people push him around. If the guest room was good enough for you, it's certainly good enough for her, tell her she will enjoy it, it's cozy in that room and even smile while you're saying it. It's ok to stand up to her, you want to establish that you're not afraid to rock the boat and that you're not afraid of her but at the same time you're not a tyrant either.

"This is my bedroom, I have as much right as you do to sleep in my bedroom, if you can explain why I don't have a right to sleep in my own bedroom, you better come and tell me right now and it better be good because I've decided I'm not being bullied out of my bedroom anymore!"

[Ready2Change]

She is a very intelligent woman...I can’t pull these “catch phrases” on her.

YES YOU CAN. It is important. You can use and test any "better" communication with her.

You are learning more effective ways to communicate. When I have the urge to say FU, I calmly say "I am sorry you feel that way". When my 9 year old son vents at me "Your a mean dad", I can calmly say "I am sorry you feel that way". When I calmly say "All the screaming is draining my energy", the kids all shut up. They know I need my energy to do things they want, like put a movie on or allow video games later.

[Ready2Change]

PS: I am glad you were able to enjoy a Christmas as a family.

[Sleepy]

The master bedroom plan went into effect today. My W went out to workout for most of the day. I wasn’t clued into her plans. I took care of the kids and subsequently missed my own workout. I think she went to lunch with someone but I’m not sure. It was strange that she brought a sandwich to my daughter from Panara when she picked her up from her gymnastics when we have a refrigerator filled with food. That just didn’t add up.

Next, I started the counter-intuitive seduction. I texted the woman that has been sending me her phone number which is concerning my W. I just said “How was your Christmas” That was it. The woman took the bait and sent me something back. I left my phone out so my W could see it.

I was in the shower in the guest room above the garage when my W confronted me. She said that she needed to speak with me right now. I knew what it was about and just took my time. She asked about the woman.... I played dumb then told her that I was just asking about her Christmas...That was it. She didn’t believe me. She thinks something is going on between us. I then went into discussing all the boundaries that she had crossed which I didn’t approve of. Oh yeah...she said that I was getting off the subject.

That was my signal to tell her that I was moving back into the master bedroom. I told her that it had been two months and I had respected her need to have her space long enough but now it was time that I moved back. This is the marital bedroom and if she valued our marriage she would respect my decision. Robx, I even asked her to give me a good reason why I shouldn’t move back, and she couldn’t. She said that she would not stoop to being a whore and sleep with me. I didn’t touch that. I suppose that’s what she feels like when she is with me. It was a cutting thing to say to me, but if that’s how she feels.....well. What about her affair? She has got it all backwards.

She resisted and did everything that all of you said that she would. I told her that I wasn’t forcing her to leave the room. That was her choice. I wanted her to stay. She said I was showing my true colors and I was being mean to her. She threatened me with divorce next week and was going to go after me for everything I’ve got, but I didn’t budge. I was “The Rock” She was really confused. “Who is telling you to do this?”

She got pissed, threw all my books out of the bookcase and papers of mine in the trash and demanded that I get all my stuff out of there. I did, and even cleaned up the bathroom for her to make it a bit more hospitable for her. She stormed off in the car to get some stuff from Bed Bath and Beyond. I later asked how long do you think I would have been out there before we made up? She said “13 years”, so this was a good move for sure. I would have been waiting a long time.

Our kids eat at the bar in the middle of the kitchen. There are only 3 stools. We parents end up standing to eat. It bugs the crap out of me that we don’t sit at the table and eat like a regular family.

While my W stormed around fixing up her room, I fixed up the plates and the kids and I sat at the table for dinner and ate like a real family. My W later joined us. She was civil for the rest of the evening. We even laughed at something.

I don’t know what will happen. I’m in the MB now and I’m comfortable. I suppose she is going to get a lawyer and go after me, but I guess it’s better that I’m comfortable for the rest of my days here in this house before I get railroaded.

I’ll keep everyone updated. After I did this, I knew it was the right thing to do. All of her softening she has been showing me has been an act. I've got her really confused now though...