newmama, I don't think ths is about the divorce - I can get a legal separation straight away if I can proof infidelity but the divorce itself wouldn't happen any faster, so it doesn't really matter. There are 2 options - if I am correct and he had an affair with OW he is hiding it not so much because of me but because of his friends and family I think. I don't think he ever expected me to react the way I did and to snoop as much as I did - I didn't even expect it I think he expected me to buy the story with the shop being the reason for the divorce and I just didn't and because I haven't been quiet about my suspicions he had to lie to them too. Second option: he is innocent and there was nobody else then the rebound girl. Meaning he is not lying. I started to work in our garden this summer for the first time – just that I realized I was doing all this just for him at thee time – to fullfill his need for domestic support. I will sign up for an evening course in February which I am looking forward to. Problem I am having is that I am not working for the first time in 16 years. And I really enjoy it and it’s good for the kids but he said to me yesterday we are living of his back. I will talk to him when he is here and i want a standing order set up weekly for a certain amount and that’s it – no talking about money anymore.
My day to day life really hasn’t changed that much – I was doing most of the things on my own anyway and I resented him a lot for being away – on the other hand with my spending I was supporting it - I guesss I am just angry that he never appreciates anything I am doing – he thinks the last 4 years were easy for me and that I am making it to difficult for myself in regards to the kids – I am also sure he thinks he could do a better job with the kids. I am sick of him playing the victim all the time – does he not have a mouth to speak up – why didn’t he put money away all these years? I probably wouldn’t even have noticed. I actually asked him that question and he said he would never do anything without asking me first like putting money into savings and that the finances were the only thing he asked me to take care off when he left and that I was useless with it. I guess he has forgotten that he left his entire life behind, not just the finances... He told me once that after 6 months abroad he knew it was the wrong decision – I never got that memo... he tells me now I should have asked him to come home if I was that unhappy. How could I asked him that? He wanted it so much.
To answer your question in regards to the divorce - he says we don't have the money to talk to a lawyer and anyway you can only file after 4 yeears separation anyway so it wouldn't make any difference.
Bestrong, he knows jack sh*t about the best way to raise your kids bc HE IS NOT THE ONE DOING IT!! grrr...
You should life hasn't changed much. It's time to change it! Make it your new year's resolution! What are your goals? What do you want to do more of? What do you enjoy?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I actually bought a lovely calendar yesterday for 2010.
I have some plans - my friend, her son and I are going away for a week in June
I lost contact with my dad after my parents divorced and he got in touch with me recently - so I would like to spend X-Mas 2010 in Germany with him and his new wife (by the way he is a BH also - my mum left him for another man when I was a child - maybe I can pick his brain).
I will start the course in February - it's a Flower Arranging Course - I will see if there is something about gardening too.
And for the first time in 4 years I will have an evening out for my birthday which is in February too - I am so much closer now to a larger group of girls then a year ago.
My BIL and my husband to some extent remodelled our bathroom upstairs beginning of last year and I am having problems with it ever since - it's leaking through the ceiling into the kitchen - I don't know how many times I have spoken with WH about this but nothing is happening - so I spoke to a friend of mine 2 weeks ago.Her BIL is a plumber and his brother a Plasterer so I will get an offer to get the job done - the ceiling in the kitchen has to opened up to get to the plumbing - mental note to myself -never ever hire family to do any job in the house ever again
Actually while I think about it - the payment I am getting - I wouldn't like him to know about it - I just want the money to be there in case we have any money trouble and I need to step in - but I will for example need to pay for the kitchen - how am I going to do that without him noticing?
Actually while I think about it - the payment I am getting - I wouldn't like him to know about it - I just want the money to be there in case we have any money trouble and I need to step in - but I will for example need to pay for the kitchen - how am I going to do that without him noticing?
How will he notice?
You could just tell him the job needs paid for AFTER it's been done and then pay it? It needed done, it was destroying your ceiling and damaging the house interiors. You asked him to do it and he didn't. End of story for me.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
What do you fear if he notices it? What will happen?
As for your plans for next year, good start!!! Are you doing things daily to help you feel better? For example, I just started wearing my contacts every day instead of glasses. I LOVE my glasses, but just wanted to do something different. Also, I have been styling my hair and wearing make up even if I am not seeing WH for several hours. It makes me feel better. Exercising helps and so does indulging in silly TV shows that only I like.
So what things can you do daily or maybe already are that are just for YOU?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I know but he thinks he is the only one who has any money - that all money comes from him which is the case at the moment as I am not working - so how can I explain how I paid it without revealing the extra money I have in my account?
newmama, I know it's silly but i.e. for X-mas I have done 2 things I always wanted and haven't done because he didn't like it - I ordered a full turkey from the butcher, not a boned and rolled one and I have white lights on the x-mas tree instead of coloured ones. I know they are silly stupid things but it means something to me. And everytime I struggled with myself as I knew he would notice and wouldn't like it.But you know what: tough for him He says it's my house now so there you go...
I know but he thinks he is the only one who has any money - that all money comes from him which is the case at the moment as I am not working - so how can I explain how I paid it without revealing the extra money I have in my account?
Tell him the guys did it for a favour ... it doesn't matter what you tell him. Just make sure the guys doing the job have the same story. Tell him your sister, mum, dog paid it.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I think he expected me to buy the story with the shop being the reason for the divorce and I just didn't and because I haven't been quiet about my suspicions he had to lie to them too.