Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

ALL - thanks again. It really amazes me how much you all care about a stranger on a computer. I hope to be able to repay others someday.
Let me update and answer questions:
1) I did end confiding with female co-worker and I told W tonight. Tweaked Greeks words a little (thank you, awesome, the school teacher bit worked too, was the only way to get her to actually listen). After initially telling me she didn't care and it didn't bother her, she came back about 2 minutes later, even more pissed and told me the only thing that bothered her was that I told co-worker about EA and that I had ruined W's credibility with that person if they ever had to work together. Yes, I looked at W and said "I ruined your credibility??" and she got even more pissed and said no I did, but you shouldn't have told her. I held firm, did not apologize. You all have got me going stronger. 48 hours ago, I would have apologized.

2) This was after W came home at 8:30PM this evening. The kids and I had a WONDERFUL night. I have always had a bond with the younger D but no the older one. That is starting to change, I saw it tonight. I think the W saw it too. She of course claimed again that I was trying to monopolize the kids. I stopped her. I said oh no I'm not. I am not going to put them in the middle of this. I am enjoying my time with them and what they give me, but they love you and they need you too. I will not stop that. And I also told her that she needed to immediately stop acting so bitchy to me around them, it was disrespectful. I told her this is between us, not them, they don't need to see how pissed you are at me. Her reply to that was she walks in the house and is instantly mad. This isn't her home anymore. She isn't comfortable here any more. But she is stuck. I didn't think it would be right for me to say move out. I also don't think it'll be healthy. My girls do need their mother (the mother of the past, not the current one) and I also fear if she moves out, the EA will certainly kick in high gear. I don't think she'll move out because of her reputation...if we aren't living together, people will ask why, and she can't handle her reputation at work being trashed.
[quote]Going cold turkey is the only way she will beat it. You need to think of her as a person trying to overcome her addiction. If she sees him at work daily, that is going to be very tough and very tempting for her. Could she be moved to a different area at work?/quote]

She claims she is going cold turkey, those were the exact words she used after she told me they had talked for 45 mins and he wanted nothing to do with being in the middle of us and she didn't want to hurt him because he was a special friend. She told me to check the phone records. I did today, it was 51 minutes. They do not see each other at work. They are in different states, heck different time zones. They met this summer at what I'll call a work related project (I don't want to give too many details, situation is unique, never know when someone could figure out who we were) that they were on for about 3 months. So the only time she sees him is pictures. She has them on the computer (from the project) and he has about 8 pics of himself up on facebook.
[quote]She may be a good actress and try to act as if everything is okay...just to throw you off track. OTOH, she will probably be very withdrawn from you, and I think that is to be expected if you have busted her. For right now, she feels resentment instead of remose. That will be the deciding factor, IMHO. If she's remorseful, then she can come around and start to heal and finally get to the place to start working at the R with you. But as long a she holds on to her resentment toward you, then she won't be able to heal and the MR will not go forward in a healthy way./quote]
She has used the actress routine in the past prior to setting boundaries and I fell for it. So I am on the lookout this time. However, resentment is an understatement right now. There is no remorse. Her blood pressure rises at the sight of me. I realize this could take a while, its only been about 60 hours since I confronted her and set boundaries and only 24 hours since I took the advice and drove the boundary home, the one that really pissed her off (telling her I would tell OM's W). There is no healing right now. She is sleeping in a different room. She is ignoring our kids. She is mad at the world. Today she even posted on facebook that she couldn't focus on work today even though it was 1030, maybe it was because she hadn't finished her coffee (that I made her like I do every morning).

She went off to the store to get a xmas gift and I had to stop her because we had other gifts up in the air like for the nanny. I offered to wrap the present for the nanny to which she replied "I don't need you to do anything for me." nice. I just calmly said, I got that trust me. I'm not doing it for you, I'd do cause it needs to get done before tomorrow morning.
[quote]The amount of time for just the two of you is so important. I hope this has been a wake-up call about that./quote]

It 100% absolutely has. When I was in the chasing, whining stage, I tried over and over to suggest we just take some time together that this is where we had failed. I offered to take an easier job. This was before I realize she was a WAW and having an EA. If I get a chance to do it over, I WILL NOT screw this one up again.

Will go back here in a few and see what I missed and what else needs to be added. Need to wrap those gifts now...and not for the W that exudes so much hatred these days. Oh I can't wait till Christmas morning, its going to be so much fun watching here be pissed as she gets gifts from me and the girls. I had bought most everything while still in a state of denial, so I ain't going back now. I've got the receipts. She can tell me to take them back if she is still acting this childish.