Pls help--confused and fearful

[Day by Day]

Wow, thanks missherlove, newmama and P for all the input. Thanks for helping me focus.

@P Let me add to what I was saying about full custody... I can get it if there is physical abuse. Thankfully, there hasn't been.

The thread on going dark helped. I'm going to take advantage of my strong desire for a new life in 2010 to deal the going dark as well.

I keep hearing suggestions not to file for D and just get temp alimony and child support instead... to make him do all the filing work. Yeah, I could and it would be difficult because I have alllllll the paperwork here at home and I keep it locked in the trunk of the car.

I just keep waiting for this A to fizzle out. I've been hoping the holidays would have him snap out of it. I mean, it's been so hard on me, can't he be having a hard time too?! I am starting to feel I just want the A to end just so that they aren't together, not to get H back.

H made contact w me yesterday to see the kids for a few hours. He only wanted them for 2.5 hrs, but I said the return time was inconvenient and for him to keep them longer. He kept them 5hrs instead so that was better. But S12 texted me that he was unhappy and H was insulting him. S is soooo angry at H for all this. H ended up spending lots of money on D instead while S was avoiding him and waited outside the store (texting me how mean H is).

I'm wondering whether to have the kids get him something for Xmas. I've been reacting tit for tat on the holidays since when he left he told the kids I didn't need presents for me to know they loved me. He left a couple days before Mother's Day. They were so sad not to give me anything. So, I didn't buy anything for him for father's day. They didn't care to give him anything since they were/are mad at him for leaving. It would be unexpected if I did have them give him a gift from them. And since it will be in front of his family, I think it would be a good gesture for the kids' sake as well.

I just wish all this family time lately with the kids would have him miss being part of our family again. But he's just not the same person anymore. I'm keeping with giving him space and time... he hasn't seen me in over a month and I've been dim for 2 weeks I think. But, with him not seeing me or having much contact is just making it easy for him to not feel guilt or shame for what he's doing.