I would agree with Gnosis but might add that taking that direction should come with NO expectations. It works, but it might not always work in the same way.
There are different dynamics with OPs in each sitch. IMHO, a key aspect of As is the sheer thrill and illicit excitement that goes with it. The love chemical fog that is induced can blind the WAS to everything, even (or more accurately, especially) the "good" stuff. Stability can = boredom, which when contrasted to the stomach churning love fog, leads to the dreaded "I love you but ...". No telling how long this might last. You just create the best possible you and the family environment that any sane person would want to be part of.
The point I'm coming to is that you gotta factor that in, or any simmering resentment you may be feeling is gonna blow when you don't see the "expected" reaction.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
For the past month or so, I always tidy up, cook what he wants/likes, freshen up, threaten the kids (LOL), make sure laundry is done and put away... make sure all looks in control and inviting (Yes, candles - a fire in the fireplace - xmas lights on - glass of wine waiting).
Rocked is right on. It's working for me, at least in making our home a place of solace, not tension...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
luvless: He did say to me last night - "I'm trying." Your answer to that should have been: "How can I help you so that you don't feel your effort is being wasted?"
i LOVE that G!
Luv hey, remember when I said women don't get intimate unless they feel love, and guys feel love when they are intimate? well, this is why you feel this way. he's not giving you the ILY's and stuff because he doesn't feel love yet. and your not giving him the intimacy because you don't feel loved yet.
so, someone has to make the step, to break that cycle. I think this question G has given you is a great thing to start with!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I've been thinking about what he said to me...not wanting to come home...he's always rushed home. I am going to make him WANT to come home. At least I can say I did my best and when and IF he does leave - he will miss that!
WOW!!! awesome Luv!!!
and fyi, when you do these changes for yourself (and that is what you NEED to do) it all works out. because your becoming the best you ever...and how can your spouse not want you then! but the biggest key is being consistent, otherwise they don't believe in the changes and don't think it will work.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I've been thinking about what he said to me...not wanting to come home...he's always rushed home. I am going to make him WANT to come home. At least I can say I did my best and when and IF he does leave - he will miss that!
WOW!!! awesome Luv!!!
and fyi, when you do these changes for yourself (and that is what you NEED to do) it all works out. because your becoming the best you ever...and how can your spouse not want you then! but the biggest key is being consistent, otherwise they don't believe in the changes and don't think it will work.
Yes! ^^ This is the point. I found that doing this was good for ME and good for the kids. The fact that helped my H want to be home was an extra bonus.
H comes home and is in matter of fact mode..no kiss or hello. He asks where the kids are - they were all out - ended up staying over friends house we are alone all night.
We talked in the kitchen while I made him something to eat. He wanted to drink so poured us some rum. He has some drinks and we end up on the couch talking about R which he brought it up. He was saying the same stuff...how he is not happy and that he is mad at me.
I started crying and he says, "stop crying" I said, "No angrily I have to let it out." He actually looked upset. He put his hand on my arm and said, "this really upsets me...It bothers me to see you like this." We are going back and forth playing the blame game...you did this and you did that.
I brought up some traumatizing stuff that happened to our two toddlers and how I felt so alone...how I'm tired of feeling alone. How I was left to pick up the pieces without his support. He completely brushed that horrible incident under the rug...his way of coping. He said, "you never told me that." I said, "yes I did you just never listen to me...I tried to tell you just like now and you don't listen to me."
He says, "I know I've been a bad husband." I stopped...and said, "I am glad you are admitting that." He says, "I'm not perfect"..I say, "no one is it's just how we handle things." He says, "I've been listening to those tapes and it's made me think...I don't wanna lie anymore." He has listened to His Needs/Hers and now 5 Languages of Love.
What he is getting out of these tapes is not lying to himself? I haven't heard the second one yet but there is so much more to that. I guess he hears what he wants to hear. We still keep talking - he says, "I'm trying" I say, "I know you are trying and I respect you for that." We go back and forth talking about the R most bad some good.
H ends up crying about a card he bought for his grandfather. (He didn't have a relationship with his grandfather other than from 4-10) He says, "he's gonna die...just like my mom." I said, "I can understand your hurt." He says, "no you can't." (I have a grandmother is right now dying in my mother's home) I tell him, "what do you mean I don't understand? my grandmother (who has been a part of my entire life) is dying at moms...and I'm watching my mom dying as she is taking care of her!..how can you say that?"
Back track a little - H is adopted by this family. His mother left him with them at 10 years old when she and his adopted dad divorced. The dad sent him back to his mom...didn't want anything to do with him. This man didn't let his brother come to our wedding. H and dad didn't get along. Now the dad is back in his life and talks to him (he lives outta state) but whatever. So...he has never had a relationship with these people other than his grandmother who he visited here and there. She is the only one that has ever been supportive. I like her very much. I encouraged him to spend time with his mother while she was alive and he refused - I think he's blaming me for all this or at least I'm taking the brunt of all of this!
Ok going back to last night - He wanted to drink more. I said, "you shouldn't you have to work in the morning." I remembered ST - they hate to be told what to do so I said fine! He drank more. We ended up on the livingroom floor messing around. It was a weird night - some good things said...things I've never heard him say...but yet...I just feel him as distant as ever.
THIS MORNING - He gets up and is talkative...brings me coffee in bed..whoa wait a minute that's what my H used to do. He asks me, "come talk to me while I'm in the shower." Again! this is what my H does not this man.
Ok guys...this may not be very clear stuff but it's hard to remember every detail although you guys were in the back of my head the whole time!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
If you've got the courage to do it, here is a potent line for you to use:
"H, I'm sorry I've been such a biotch lately."
Follow it up with:
"Sometimes I get too caught up in my own hurt to pay attention to yours. I'm glad that you don't want to lie anymore. Neither do I. Can you help me understand your pain? I really want to understand it. I promise to listen and not judge you. I want to see how I can improve me so I can improve us."
That should open up the floodgates. Be prepared for a laundry list. Do not judge him. Do not react. Just listen and take notes. When he is done ask him which is the most important pain and what you can do to relieve it.
Take the first steps. I won't be surprised if he starts to reciprocate soon.
G - am I being cynical to think these little things this morning don't mean anything? My heart tends to think he is up to no good. I am still not ruling out OW. He may just be buying time?
Ok...I will do exactly as you advise. I will be ready for the laundry list. This will be hard not to react...completely opposite of me ya know? but I'll suck it up!
Thanks so much G
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
