She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

(((Sister)))
Thanks.
Yes, I do better when I let go of the outcome. I've been able to focus on that this week.
also, that thread was really useful.

(((Sandi)))
D17 seems to be doing much better now
Nonetheless, I think there is some misinformation going on both from my W and from D17. As you said, W is playing D17 against me, and D17 is likely using the situation a little to her advantage in a typically teenage way. I've been strong, calm and non-reactive with her this week, and it's worked out well. Your words were helpful with this!

Yes, I think W should tell the kids what "she" is wanting to do, but I think that is unlikely to happen anytime soon. Both kids noticed right away when she took off her rings, and divorced me on FB, so they both know who is the WAS. D17 in particular, since she eavesdropped on a R talk 2 days after the bomb. I just think having us both sit down and talk then might be keep them from wild speculation, and also prevent W from telling them he own "story" of what's going on.

[Awoken]

More weird behavior from W. Her actions follows the script of so many stiches here, but still it surprises me and leaves me confused! However, I seem to be in better control of my emotions this week, maybe due to me finally letting go both of her and the outcome. For the first time, I'm feeling some real detachment, almost relief. I actually feel pretty sad about it, but not full of panic and desperation like I have been so much before. I'm prepared for this to be just another low in my roller coaster of emotions.

I had very little contact with W this week, with the exception of wednesday. She didn't want to talk (rolled her eyes), but she wasn't responding to my email for copies of the bills and time had run out. She was angry; I remained very calm and just said that I need to take care of the bills, and that it was important that we communicate calmly for the sake of everyone. We divided everything in half, and I confirmed that I had canceled the last remaining shared credit card. I had to assert that MY bills be included. We agreed on a total amount that I need to put in her account, but she was obviously shocked at how little it was going to be. By the end of the conversation, she had calmed down. She then apologized for her families cards and gifts (without me saying anything), and said she had asked them to refrain.

Then the weirdness: Thursday morning she left me a message on the answering machine asking me to feed the dogs, and ending with a quick "love you".

This afternoon, she sent me a text saying she was going spend the night at our next door neighbors house to get away from the stress in the house. (Our neighbor is away for the holidays).

Tonight she sends me another text saying "Sorry for everything; I'm having a bad day".
I wait a while to reply, and then told her "Thanks, I understand and I'm sorry you are hurting"
Five minutes later she texts "I miss you. Sounds weird I'm sure".
I'm not sure what to say to this, I wait a while an then reply "Me too".

It seemed wrong not to reply to her at all, and I didn't really know what to say. I figure she is feeling lonely and sad. Of course, for a little while it got my hopes up, just a little affection from her has such power over me. Still, I can tell that it's not what it used to be and I'm detaching. That make me sad too.

[Awoken]

Big drama today
This will be long, and not well written.

Today was the day my W's friend's wedding. She took both D17 and S13 with her. They dressed up, and she asked me to take pictures of them all. She was acting very weird, almost flirty. I was polite, and told her she looked great. She asked me to take pictures of her and then kids, and then they headed out.

Three hours later, she calls me, voice shaking. I can hear the kids yelling AT her in the background. She says they are having a terrible fight, that she is a terrible mother, and that she can't handle it anymore. She doesn't want to be a mother or wife anymore and just wants to run away. The kids hate her. I can hear the kids protesting in the background that they've never said any such thing. She asks me to come out and help. They are in a parking lot outside a strip mall, near a McDonalds that they had stopped at to feed S13.

When I get there, she is alone in the minivan, and both kids have fled. I calmed W down, and got part of the story. I had to reassure her that whatever the kids had said, they were upset and they both loved her and needed her. D17 had left with the keys to the van, and S13 had gone the opposite direction.

I found both kids huddled up outside the macdonalds, and got more of the story from them. W had been a wreck at the wedding, with non-stop crying and strange behavior. D17 suspected her of drinking too much, and insisted on driving back which started the conflict, which by the time they stopped at the MacDonalds, turned into a full fight.

D17 confronted W with everything she knows, including some stuff I didn't know she knew. One night when W had passed out, D17 say her new gmail account, suspicious emails and pictures. She has concluded on her own that W is having an EA. S13 tells W that she has taken her ring off and is not trying at all. I'm sure there was much worse stuff said.

I focused on calming my kids down. I got the key for the van from D17, and sent the kids in the MacDonalds to wait for me. I returned to the van where W was waiting, and tried to get her to let me drive her home. She insisted on driving herself. She is calmer, and doesn't appear drunk at all. Just very upset. I think she her manic phase has finally collapsed.

I went back and took care of my kids. I had a long talk with them, telling them this was not their fault and mom and I love them very much. I then took D17 to her school party, and took S13 shopping.

A few hours later, W starts texting me:
W: "I don't know what happened. Maybe it's all me"
M: "They both love you and need you.
W: "We'll try to heal tomorrow. ok?"
M: "That's good."
W: "I'm going to call it an early night. Maybe we can decorate together tomorrow?"
M: "Ok. get some rest"
W: "Love you. U r the best"
M: "love you too"
W: "maybe we can go grocery shopping together tomorrow?"
M: "I can do that"
W: "it hurts that they hate me"
M: "noone hates you. I don't. The kids don't."
W: "I feel like I've ruined everything."
M: "We are still here. not ruined."
W: "you are sweet"
M: "Thanks."

I have know idea what to expect tomorrow. But this chaos needs to stop. Maybe she has snapped out of her fog/manic phase. I have my doubts, and I'm worried about tomorrow.

If you managed to read this entire post, please let me know what you think! I'm again lost.
This stuff seems to happen so fast.

[Sister]

I think you handled last night's crisis very well. You were the strong, calm hero that the family needed right then.

For today, I would focus on the kids and continue with the strong and calm. If W tries to get into talk about the R, just avoid and make it about the kids today.

(((Hugs.))) Praying for you and especially your W and kids.

[sandi2]

I believe your first responsibility is to your children. Protect them from being subjected to this terrible behavior from your W. They have already had to go through so much cr@p. I would tell her that she either had to stay on medication (or some type of program) to control her behavior or I would find a Judge that would hear me out so I'd get full custody. I don't know how you live with that! Those poor kids!

[Sister]

Just checking in. How did yesterday go?

[Awoken]

(((Sister)))
The past couple of days have been relatively calm. On Sunday, all four of us (me, W, and the kids) went to a movie together. W and I went shopping together. The kids tried warming up mom, but she was clearly very shut down, and non-responsive to them.

Monday was both kids spent most of the day with friends, and both of them ended up spending the night at their friends homes. This left me and W alone in the house together. W curled up on the sofa, and fell asleep. It was clear that she had something to drink, but I don't where she got it. I went to bed early. Unfortunately, D17 came home around 10pm to pick up a few things for her sleepover, and found mom passed out on the couch. She came and said hello to me, and wanted to know if everything was ok in the house. I reassured her.

I stayed up most of the night thinking hard...see the next post.

[Awoken]

My thread has been pretty dead lately; If you are reading this, I could use more support right now.

Monday I saw my IC, and updated the sitch with her. I reread both my threads. It's very discouraging; sigh.

I've decided that things must change. Either I purse a D, or me and W make drastic changes. Drastic changes would involve a treatment program for W, specific hard-core work on our relationship, and complete transparency and honesty. W would have to really want this, and truthfully I don't know if I still want it myself.

I've read a lot of threads about patience and time being on my side. I just read Robx's new post, and his stich is years in the making while mine is only 8 weeks old. Nonetheless, I'm no longer willing to wait this out, since my kids are becoming more and more affected.

On the day after Christmas, W is leaving for a week to visit her parents. I had decided that I needed to present my decision to her before she left, and give her the week to decide.

It happened today. It would've been better in person, but we talked over the cellphone. She called me wanting me to remove her from our sprint account so that she can have a private line. It will costs us more to not share the account, so she clearly needs to hide something on the phone. The conversation started as some negotiating over the phone accounts, and then I just told her that we needed to be talking about something else. I told her that things simply couldn't continue. That what happened on Saturday was terrible for her and the kids, and we needed to make a change. I outlined my position as outlined above.
I told her I was unwilling to allow the chaos to continue as it was bad for the kids, and that I wanted a wife that wanted to be married to me. She asked me what change I meant (even though I thought I had already made it clear. I told her that I thought meant a D, unless she wanted to make big radical changes in our relationship. That our old M was dead.

She seemed surprised and angry, but I remained calm. We got into some R talk, including about her EA(or PA) which she still denies, but when presented with the evidence she doesn't refute it. We covered both of our faults in the M so far, and she expressed her frustration that it took her dropping the bomb for me to make any changes. I just acknowledged it, but said we were still left with the same problem. We need to make a change.

We talked for a little over an hour, and then I got off the phone.

I'm filled with sadness, but mainly because I reached that place where I don't want the M anymore.

The next few days will continue to be rough. I admit I'm looking forward to the break when she leaves. I'll spend lots of great time with S13 and D17(before she leaves for her band trip)). I'll spend the rest of my time getting ready for the D which now feels inevitable.

It feels right to me, but I do wonder if 8 weeks is too short a time to travel this distance emotionally.

[Dane]

They have no idea what they want, and what all the consequences are. I am at the exact same point, even the day of the bomb is the exact same day as yours.
Be strong, you will be ok in the end. Be confident, drop the rope.
This is all things that I am struggling with also.
Affirm yourself, improve yourself and your relationship with your kids. You are the one who has to be strong for them.
Your friends will support you, all you have to do is ask them.
I will pray for you my friend.

[Deep]

Hi Awoken, sorry you are having such a hard time. Chiming in with some support, take it for what it's worth.

To answer your last line, 8 weeks, 8 months, 8 years ... there's no fixed schedule to follow. You're on a rollercoaster you didn't sign up for, and nobody knows who long the ride is gonna last. I would suggest 8 weeks is probably a pretty short time to decide if you're done.

You sound tired and emotionally drained, and understandably so. Your W sounds like she is struggling, she probably can't see what she wants, is feeling the pull and potential pangs of withdrawal of the A, unresolved feelings towards the family and you (resentment and love among them), guilt, and just very lost. She may be feeling a lot of negativity towards her failure as a W and mother, and it is warring with the "just wanna be me and happy" feelings.

And what you want really is for her to come out of this and be at a place where you can both survey the debris from your M, decide if you're gonna fix things, and where to even start. I'm guessing you might feel at times like you're in a leaking boat bailing out water, with W just looking at another bucket, and you're wondering when she might take it up and help out, or punch another hole in the boat.

It's obviously not good that the kids are affected. For now, see if you can calm down and take things a step at a time, including setting up some boundaries where the kids are better protected from what's happening ...