NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

Just another update.

I went to see IC tonight and a few things came out, one which was very interesting.

My talk tonight revolved around understanding what I want now and what I am doing. I am NC, as you all know and it's going by and large pretty well for me.

I think disaster number three to befall me will be W getting pregnant. I feel this in my gut actually. However, I spoke to IC about this and I have been thinking about it for a while. Everytime I talk about it I actually feel it is nothing more than a relief feeling. A feeling that things are finally over and there will be no more hope (see later) left for the R of the M. Nothing. The rope will be dropped, cut, rolled up and burnt. Gone.

The second thing we discussed was what I want. I want to get rid of hope. Hope that the M can be recovered. I want to let go completely of the M and move on with my life. I see no hope for the M being continued. Bridges are being burned. W is doing things I never thought she was capable of. She is cold, heartless, uncaring, selfish and cowardly. That woman I don't love. The woman I did love has gone.

Tonight we spoke briefly about the W I married. I found a picture of us from a few months after we got married. W looked so different back then. Happy, relaxed, loving and smiling. My W was simply the sweetest, most caring, loving, selfless and best woman I had EVER met. She was a wonderful woman, wife, mother to my D and friend to me. She supported me through a lot (and I mean A LOT) she never ONCE complained. She was simply, the girl of my dreams. Unfortunately, that girl is gone and probably gone forever. The world is a sadder place without her.

Removing hope will let me and D move on our lives and let her move on with hers. That is a loving thing to do (and I do still love her, although I wish I didn't). That is also the best thing for me and D to do.

We then actually got down to the nitty gritty. Hope. What was it hope for. I said the above but the IC wanted to dig deeper. If I didn't want the M anymore, then why the hope?

Basically the hope, we decided, and it was the first time I've ever been hesitant in expressing my feelings, isn't hope for the M. It was for revenge. I want W and OM to break up and for her to feel the way I feel. I want to be able to say I told you so, stick two fingers up and be vindicated that she was wrong for what she did. When the IC said this, quite bluntly, I was speechless. But yes, she was actually right. It's revenge.

While I said to the IC that that simply isn't a feeling to have, she said but it's natural given the circumstances.

If I read W correctly (and I could be well off the mark) she is going out of her way to hurt me. The things she is doing, saying and posting on FB don't really make much sense to me other than to hurt me. This is a game, and without relaising it (and advising others not to do it) I'm playing it and rolling the dice too. I'm going out of my way to hurt her. This isn't right and simply cannot finish with any good results.

So, I am going to try and get over my revenge on W and let her live her life the way she wants to. I am going to TRY. This will be difficult for me. I am going to move on with my life, post whatever I want on FB, be honourable and do the right thing. At least I'm going to try.

I want to desperately lose hope / revenge. I also want to finally accept the M is over completely.

Finally, my stance has also changed with regards to W since my last visit to IC (three weeks ago). IC always asks - if W came back to you tomorrow what would you say. Throughout the visits it's gone from 'take her back', 'try again', 'take her back on my terms', 'talk and see where we get to' to, tonight, 'tell her to p*ss off'.

So that is the stage I'm at. Right now, I don't want this M anymore. I don't want W. I don't want her to get to me and hurt me anymore. I couldn't take her back and I don't want to.

Will I file for D? No, I'm not prepared for that emotionally yet. Will I file for D ever? I don't know. I have said lately that she can do the legwork on it. If the time is right for me then yes.

Separation agreement is still not here. Maybe that is disaster number three and I'm looking in the wrong place. If she wants half of 'me' then she can have it, with a fight (and it will be a dirty one as I have a few aces up my sleeve). It will be a disaster initially but I am not afraid of it as that will be a whole new chapter in my life (moving away).

I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm committed to me and D. I'm still struggling emotionally. I feel good today and I'm, still trying to figure out what it was that helped. I know it won't last forever and I will be embracing the bad days.

I still maintain the opinion that W has her head up her a$$ and it may never come out of there. However, if it does, I don't want to be around.

My M is over. Long live M.