In my situation I would not allow my H to play the role of hero AND martyr with his BS, justifications and excuses as there was nothing heroic about the way he handled things.
For months and months after I confronted him (I kept the info I had to myself for FIVE months) it was always "well, I didn't want to hurt you more and I am a good guy and everybody think so".
To this day (and we have now been legally separated for one month and living apart for almost two years with very little contact) he still believes he can keep his long term affair around, have me when it suits him and if things start to seem okay with us he might leave his GF. LOL!
For your W to say "it's not as bad as you think" is crap. If it's not that bad then start talking and provide me with the info I need to have. That is why they usually do not, they know they will be doing so w/o any safety net and once it is all out there they have very little power and take the risk of losing you for good and also ticking of the affair partner for "coming clean" leaving the WAS with nothing.
The funny (not ha ha funny) aspect of many WAS that do have an affair and get caught is the idea they have concocted that THEY are the ones taking the gamble and not the LBS. I really feel until that mindset changes on the part of the WAS than nothing will really change.
People that really want to heal and change a R, especially a marriage will go to any length and take any risk necessary. And many will disagree but I see very few WAS that are able to do that when an affair has happened. Especially when the separation reaches the 1 or 2 year mark.
Just one month ago my H told me the R with his GF was not all roses and they fight and breakup daily but he wants to try and stick it out and not run like he always does. So, IOW, he would rather stay in an unhealthy R than be alone since I told him that was not acceptable to me, I was not his fallback option and it spoke volumes he would rather nurture a R with some sort of lunatic than his W of a decade. And when I say lunatic... my H works with this woman and on the average she calls him 30 to 40 times a day (I can see his cell records) and calls him at all hours of the night. She demanded my H never speak to me again despite the fact we had to have minimal exchanges to finalize our agreement. Too much drama for me.
I know way more than I ever thought I would about my H and his affair/GF and honestly, for me, it has been helpful. If that is what my H is attracted to then he is far less of a quality human being than I thought.
The evolution of a WAS is not all that impressive IMO. Now that I am in a much better place and living my own life and healing and moving forward I see how silly my H still acts. His actions are no different than right after the bomb and now I simply find it disturbing. Two years have passed and he is very stuck. Me, I am moving along quite nicely!
I almost feel like the man in the R with my H and I don't like that. He is too weak and I desire a strong man but I had to be strong for me.
My bottom line was simple - I will not allow you to have OW and me to test drive both out and see what you choose. As I said it's been a month since we have been separated and I only deal with my H when I have to execute portions of our Agreement. Now the e-mails are flooding in that he misses me and he guesses he better get used to me treating him this way. LOL! I treat him with civility as he is a human being. He simply is not a human being that will have the loyalty and dedication from me that he is so used to.
Eventually all LBS get to the point where enough is enough and it's time for the WAS to adhere to some of their terms without acting like the martyr and hero.
I think the way your W is behaving is normal. In fact, it is much how my H's GF behaves - the crying and drama just to keep you around and avoid hurting yet ANOTHER person. Lame.
I participated in this BS for 2 years and now I am done. I made my needs and boundaries very well known and they fell on deaf ears. There are too many men out there that are NOT deaf and weak and I plan to find me one!
Talk is cheap. Actions are what I needed and it sounds like you need action as well from your W.
I could write novels about what my H did - it was far more than an affair but what is the point? All those other things could have been repaired AND created a segway to begin working on the "biggie" (his affair) but that was too much work for him. And I am talking the crap he pulled post bomb. At the end of the day he simply is unable to take a good hard look at himself.
Thankfully I have taken a good hard look at myself and once you do that, what you see the WAS changes drastically.
