There is a time to be hardheaded and there is a time to be empathetic.
I asked you before, "What does your H have to look forward to when he comes home?" ST answered: "Nothing" Which is true.
You're not giving him reasons to be at home. There is no warmth at home. There is no comfort. There is no peace. Just tension and fuzzy expectations to live up to.
So why not just go out to a bar and chill, at least the people there want him around.
Do what Mindfull is doing. She is making home a place where H wants to be. A place he looks forward to return to. That's what she has to do at this moment. There will come a time when I'll advise her to change tactics, but now is not the time.
There is a time to be hardheaded and there is a time to be empathetic.
I asked you before, "What does your H have to look forward to when he comes home?" ST answered: "Nothing" Which is true.
You're not giving him reasons to be at home. There is no warmth at home. There is no comfort. There is no peace. Just tension and fuzzy expectations to live up to.
So why not just go out to a bar and chill, at least the people there want him around.
Do what Mindfull is doing. She is making home a place where H wants to be. A place he looks forward to return to. That's what she has to do at this moment. There will come a time when I'll advise her to change tactics, but now is not the time.
Loud and Clear G - I know this
I've been thinking about what he said to me...not wanting to come home...he's always rushed home. I am going to make him WANT to come home. At least I can say I did my best and when and IF he does leave - he will miss that!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Hope you don't mind if I chime in with some thoughts Luv, and really these are not easy for me to say, brings back a lot of bad memories in more ways than one.
I rambled in a post some time back about how the LBS craves for 2 things - a sense of empathy and justice, to make sense of this sheer insane injustice that is being forced on him/her. It is often mentioned how the WAS has this warped sense of entitlement, and that's true enough. Funnily enough, I feel the LBS often has a sense of entitlement too. It can be more easily and logically justified, sure, and it is closely tied in to resentment.
I remember clearly the time when my W was trying in her own way to find a way back to the M. She had "wanted to stay", even if OM was "her true soulmate". Some of the things I did and said to her must have felt brutal, I simply could not keep in check my anger. Only much later when I detached did I get a better handle on things. The (relative) absence of a pressure cooker environment and stress for us both in dealing with negative feelings allowed W to regain herself. Over time, and as a huge (if welcome) surprise, the falling in love again just happened.
As someone told me a long time ago - You could be right, you could have justice, or you could have your M. Choose.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
luvless: I've been thinking about what he said to me...not wanting to come home...he's always rushed home.
Its good to know that you were listening.
luvless: I am going to make him WANT to come home.
Yes...
luvless: At least I can say I did my best
Yes...
luvless: and when and IF he does leave - he will miss that!
and YES!!!!! (Crossed out the negative attitude bit above)
Your mission, should you choose to accept it Luv, is to make yourself and home IRRESISTIBLE.
Think of yourself as a magnet. Right now you're both on the same polarity and when the two of you come into proximity you repulse each other. As soon as you can swap polarity he won't be able to resist you.
Hope you don't mind if I chime in with some thoughts Luv, and really these are not easy for me to say, brings back a lot of bad memories in more ways than one.
I rambled in a post some time back about how the LBS craves for 2 things - a sense of empathy and justice, to make sense of this sheer insane injustice that is being forced on him/her. It is often mentioned how the WAS has this warped sense of entitlement, and that's true enough. Funnily enough, I feel the LBS often has a sense of entitlement too. It can be more easily and logically justified, sure, and it is closely tied in to resentment.
I remember clearly the time when my W was trying in her own way to find a way back to the M. She had "wanted to stay", even if OM was "her true soulmate". Some of the things I did and said to her must have felt brutal, I simply could not keep in check my anger. Only much later when I detached did I get a better handle on things. The (relative) absence of a pressure cooker environment and stress for us both in dealing with negative feelings allowed W to regain herself. Over time, and as a huge (if welcome) surprise, the falling in love again just happened.
As someone told me a long time ago - You could be right, you could have justice, or you could have your M. Choose.
I too have thought about being the LBS with entitlement tied to resentment. Don't think I haven't...but DEEP stuff and I'm hearing you.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
luvless: I've been thinking about what he said to me...not wanting to come home...he's always rushed home.
Its good to know that you were listening.
luvless: I am going to make him WANT to come home.
Yes...
luvless: At least I can say I did my best
Yes...
luvless: and when and IF he does leave - he will miss that!
and YES!!!!! (Crossed out the negative attitude bit above)
Your mission, should you choose to accept it Luv, is to make yourself and home IRRESISTIBLE.
Think of yourself as a magnet. Right now you're both on the same polarity and when the two of you come into proximity you repulse each other. As soon as you can swap polarity he won't be able to resist you.
OK, science class is over.
I got a C in science LOL
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Hey Luv, Can't remember if I posted this before or not (if so, sorry, too lazy to go back and check )
But, one of the things I did which turned out to be quite successful was to make our home a place my H wanted to come to. I would light candles in the evening, try to make nice meals, tidy up etc. I would work on making the home environment as calm as possible. I did this mostly for me and the kids, because we needed a calm enviroment while their dad was acting like a self-centred a$$! But, later , after H ended A and re-commited to the M, he told me this was something that "f'ked with his head". I said, "In what way?" He said, "I would leave OW whose life was chaos, drama and dysfunction with her constant demands, and come home to peace, and calm, and... a HOME and a FAMILY". I had my boundaries in place, but I didn't pressure, badger, etc. He said he would find himself asking, "How can I leave THIS for THAT?"
Just a thought....
You have to be careful not to do this to allow cake eating or to make it seem like you are desperately attempting to keep him. Do it for you and the kids, but it is something he will enjoy and find out he NEEDS! (from what I've read, most men long for a calm, safe haven from the world to come home to)
Thanks for posting this Rocked, and NO you didn't post it before.
Luv, pay attention to the bolded text:
Originally Posted By: rockedworld
But, one of the things I did which turned out to be quite successful was to make our home a place my H wanted to come to. I would light candles in the evening, try to make nice meals, tidy up etc. I would work on making the home environment as calm as possible. I did this mostly for me and the kids, because we needed a calm enviroment while their dad was acting like a self-centred a$$! But, later , after H ended A and re-commited to the M, he told me this was something that "f'ked with his head". I said, "In what way?" He said, "I would leave OW whose life was chaos, drama and dysfunction with her constant demands, and come home to peace, and calm, and... a HOME and a FAMILY". I had my boundaries in place, but I didn't pressure, badger, etc. He said he would find himself asking, "How can I leave THIS for THAT?"
See? This stuff works. I wouldn't steer you wrong.
)