Pls help--confused and fearful

[Day by Day]

Yes, this month is toying with my emotions big time. I'm waiting until after the holidays to file.

What I meant about thinking something would happen by now is that after 8 months, he would have tried talking to me by phone or in person, would soften his anger, would be filled with remorse or guilt and be a decent person. Any of those things. I do have the smallest glimmer of hope that H will not want to finalize the D. I don't think I want him after D. I'll move on and hope to be very happy without him. D will make it final for me.

I did explain problems to him in the M after he left. He didn't care. I feel I have the most cold WAS and hopeless case here on the boards.

Thanks for checking in with me.

[P17]

I did explain problems to him in the M after he left. He didn't care. I feel I have the most cold WAS and hopeless case here on the boards.

DBD I don't want to start the 'my dad is bigger than your dad' fight (it's a Scottish thing) but .... have you read my thread!??!? I have a WAS, who, after finding out about my mum passing away didn't even send me a card, text or anything ... a WAS who is holding onto my 8 year old D's car seat ... a WAS who is publicly flaunting her OM ... now THAT is cold ...

Remember also that no WAS cares about the problems in the M when they leave. Not a single one of them. They need to get that realisation, that shock or jolt before they wake up.

You are going for full custody of your kids I assume (as he works away)?

I actually think, and I could be wrong here so it's just an opinion, that if you went VERY VERY dark on your H, things may thaw. He seems to have a HUGE amount of anger towards you and the only want to actually quench it is to remove yourself completely from him. I know you have kids so things will be a little awkward but that can be worked around if you are determined. What you have done up until now hasn't worked so it may be worth a try. However you still have to want to R the M and I think, like me, you may have just given up.

[newmama]

I did explain problems to him in the M after he left. He didn't care. I feel I have the most cold WAS and hopeless case here on the boards.

Sorry, DBD I meant did you tell US (the board) about your problems in M? Not that you have to. It is useless to try and talk to WAS about problems when they are in an A. As for your WH being the worst, I don't think so. Like I told Keepstrong once, it seems WSs act like jerks OR act like cake eaters. Again, this is based on stories I have read from huge forums like supportinginfidelity.com or marriagebuilders. Besides, they are all terrible because they continue to cause hurt and pain in the A.

And I keep forgetting that you haven't filed for D, just financial support, right?
So until he files, you don't have to.

You really are doing well with GALing and self improvements. And a new career awaits you after college!!!

It is not hopeless. Even if you D, you can choose to go on with your life and who knows what may happen. IF you want him back at that point. I'm being serious. Affairs rarely end in marriage to the OP. The statistics support that and even if the WS marries OP, statistics show the marriage doesn't last.

Again, your WAS does not shock me with his behavior or make me think to myself "it's over between DBD and her WH." It is horrible to see the pain and devestation he has caused you and your kids.

I haven't checked your newcomer's thread in awhile.

[Day by Day]

I love you guys. Thanks so much for the support. I really mean it.

I don't recall telling the board about the probs in M. I think I'll get to it soon if I feel like it. I haven't filed anything yet. I rescheduled the appt for after new years.

I'm thinking that no jolt will wake up my WAS.

I can't go for full custody in my state, but I want them as much as possible. He can't really be with them much anyway because he travels a lot.

Thanks for the positive spin on my future newmama. Yes, I am very excited about my new career. I'm even starting to apply for jobs now. I want a new life. I'm tired of this pain and sadness.

I have been feeling that I'm not getting many responses on my thread because others feel my sitch is hopeless. I've tried to find any little thing to give me hope or a direction to go in.

I may have to try to go pitch dark and hopefully I'll be like a black hole and suck him back in. I mean you are right P, nothing I've done has worked so far. What else can I do?

I'm on the fence about wanting to R the M. I'm feeling very resentful for what he's done. I was so willing to forgive but he didn't want it. I'm just about to give up... it won't take much more.

[newmama]

Hey, go to the dark side and create a black hole...what else is there to try? Besides, it could ease the pain and resentment you feel.

I think it's smart that you postponed the lawyer. This will sound nasty, but would WH cut off money to his kids?? If he doesn't give you money, he is taking away the roof over his kids' heads, food, car/gas, etc.

[Day by Day]

Yeah, I'll have proof that he isn't supporting us and I also have an email from him stating that. It will not look good for him for a D. I'm already ready to not pay the mortgage, lease, taxes, etc. It'll hurt him too to get the house foreclosed. I'm calling his bluff...

[MHL]

DBD,
I have been following your thread very closely and I am so sorry you H is doing this especially to your kids also. It is like they became this other person who does not care about anyone but themselves. I experience this daily with my W. She seems unmoved by the fact that her daughter hates her and will not talk to her. You would think that the WAS would never hurt thier own children, but they do and that actually tells me that the WAS is sick or addicted to the excitment of the A, it is like a drug to them.
It is hard but I try to love the the W I married not the person inside her body right now. I know you still love the H you married, not the person in his body right now. I think you are getting good advice on how to handle the all the legal/money issues and you will prevail. It still does not make it any easier for us. Try to remember that no matter how dark it gets don't give up, one day he will realize the gaping hole in his life, he has spent half his life with you that is not easily forgotten. I don't think we need to wait around for our WAS but know that we can live without them and be happy. I am at work right now but will check in on you later. You are in my prayers and my heart goes out to you and family. (((((((DBD)))))))

[P17]

Again, your WAS does not shock me with his behavior or make me think to myself "it's over between DBD and her WH."

It's easy for me to look at your sitch DBD and say this. Not easy for mine (even though W is being equally hurtful).

I am reminded of what PDT said once and it has always stuck with me.

The opposite of love is not hate / anger. It's apathy.

Your H is angry and hateful, not apathetic. When they get to be apathetic (where my W is heading to) that is when it is over in their hearts. Anger and hate come out of hurt and guilt. You can't, at least in mind (he says clarifying it) be hurt and hateful towards somebody you don't care about!

Just my 2p worth. Somebody who knows a lot more than me will no doubt rip it apart

[P17]

I'm thinking that no jolt will wake up my WAS.

Then what have you got to lose? If you jolt him and it doesn't work then where are you .... ah, still here! So you get no further forward. Nothing wasted.

I can't go for full custody in my state, but I want them as much as possible. He can't really be with them much anyway because he travels a lot.

Sorry, didn't know how it worked over there. I have to say it's probably a good thing that there is 50/50 custody automatically (I assume that's what it is) - then I am extremely bias having been through a 7 year fight for stable access to me D! However as you said, he can't have them all the time anyway. That is what was worrying me. He is not there often and in that case full custody (with fixed access / contact) would be best.

I have been feeling that I'm not getting many responses on my thread because others feel my sitch is hopeless. I've tried to find any little thing to give me hope or a direction to go in.

Your sitch is only hopeless when you give up. I think you'll find a lot of the vets actually stick to replying on particular threads as they simply cannot keep up with so many threads.

I may have to try to go pitch dark and hopefully I'll be like a black hole and suck him back in. I mean you are right P, nothing I've done has worked so far. What else can I do?

Please don't take my advice!?!?!

Do what works - you have tried everything else. It hasn't worked. It maybe worth a try but it is HARD HARD work, emotionally. At the beginning I was tempted so many times but I didn't buckle. However remember it is not for them to be sucked back in. It's for you to sort yourself out. Sucking them back in is a side issue.

I found this very old thread on it which I have been plowing through. It's very good and makes me question whether NC was actually the best option for getting spouse back .... until I remember, that wasn't actually the reason I did it. The thread is http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956&page=1

I'm on the fence about wanting to R the M.

You mentioned above about 'sucking him back in'. I don't think you're on the fence. I think you are trying to protect yourself by convincing you that it's not what you want.

I'm feeling very resentful for what he's done. I was so willing to forgive but he didn't want it. I'm just about to give up... it won't take much more.

He doesn't want your pity DBD. He doesn't want your forgiveness. He doesn't want anything from you just now, which, is one of the reasons I suggested NC / LRT. Let him get his space and time for himself.

Resentment you can get over - resentment comes from people doing things that hurt you and you don't understand why. Once you understand why they did them, the resentment CAN go.

[newmama]

Do what works - you have tried everything else. It hasn't worked. It maybe worth a try but it is HARD HARD work, emotionally. At the beginning I was tempted so many times but I didn't buckle. However remember it is not for them to be sucked back in. It's for you to sort yourself out.

I only did NC for about 3 months but had breaks when WH came to a dr. appt or labor class. I have to tell you honestly, it may be HARD at first, but after a month was SO MUCH easier and SO MUCH better than seeing him all the time! Maybe I am just in a dark place, but seriously, NC allows you to avoid the reminder of the alien the WS is. With kids, it is tough. But if you have been able to avoid WH during drop offs, then stick to it. Not knowing what will happen is tough that is for sure. But not seeing them really helps to dull the pain and heal and focus on what YOU want.