NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

Thought I'd wait before replying to you cutter so I can digest what you said (starting to do that with everyone now rather than just replying straight off!)

Hey P when you wake up today. I want you to think about going to the doctor. Happy pills. Please think about it. Not a weakness.

Hey cutter. Never see mental illness as a weakness. Been there and done that about 10 years ago. Pills didn't work for me at the time. I don't feel I'm depressed. I feel I'm getting low spells which is entirely natural. I'm feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday (or for the last few days).

Look at what you suffered. And I know what it is like where you live. How people are. Most of the North Americas here who offer advice will not understand.

Yes, applying DB here is a little different than in the US

You have been stronger than you can imagine. Your inner strentght has been amazing.

Thanks cutter. That is really appreciated.

I spoke to my IC tonight (just back actually) and she said pretty much the same thing - that I am a completely different person than the one who came to see her back in April. Much stronger and know what I want (which I'll come to in another post).

I am looking forward to going home next year and visiting. At least out off all of this. You found a new friend on the outside world.

Looking forward to you coming over. Hopefully the weather will be good. Remember the Talisker though

You just gotta get stable. You have started such a beautiful path with your daughter. And you should lean on her mother. She has offered unconditional love. Take it. And when you do have feelings towards her. Walk away. And travel to those ruins and listen to the waves crashing. And talk to her in a week. And if she has a friend. Invite them both over for dinner. And enjoy both their company. She will help. She is the mother of your daughter. You two are forever linked. And this has given you the chance to be a father again. Take it. And enjoy it. Life is going to get very good.

The stability will come in time. Each time I have these down days / weeks I learn something new about myself. About how I'm dealing with things and about what I want out of this sitch and my life. This one has taught me a lot so it was worthwhile. I didn't hit rock bottom, maybe the next one I will and I can then build myself back up again. I'm not going to run away from feeling like this, I am going to TRY and embrace it as, if the next one teaches me as much as this one, I'll be a happier man when I come out of it. I am happier today for what I have learned the past few days.

With regards to D's mum and feelings for her. Those feelings I had were borne out of love but love for the support she had given me and for what she did for me. It's a different kind of love (something I realised today). I couldn't go back with D's mum it just wouldn't work and destroy what the last 7 years of fighting and the end of my marriage have given me - a chance at friendship. I haven't been as good as a friend to her as she has to me but I am apprehensive of opening myself up to that after what she did to me and W. It's natural to be defensive.

I am off away with D's mum and her friend for a night to the nearest big town (a 110 mile drive). We'll be staying in the same hotel room (it was cheap), buy a meal (on me) and have some drinks, maybe some dancing and a laugh. There will be plenty of FB photos to share (D's mum will make sure of that - I think she wants to make W jealous with them full of unknown women I'll let her go and have her fun ... she is actually more involved with DBing W than I am! Anyway, she has been a good friend and I will tell her so tomorrow.

However, being friendly with D's mum will push W away but that is a different story.

I am guessing that you're thinking that I always look up in life.

Well your right. I do. A second mistake in life has given you the chance to correct the first. Hug her the next time you see her. And when you see her mother hug her as well. And let her know that you are hurting and that you need a friend. Not a lover.

She has always said that she would not be interested in us getting back together. Sometimes her actions confuse me, but maybe I should just take her at her word.

MIL did mention something on the phone about sending the presents perhaps to D's mum. That took me aback to be honest as I have NO idea why she would say that as she knows the angst, pain and hatred W and I for D's mum at one time. The only thing I can think is that EITHER she wanted to send D the presents even if I didn't want her to (but then why later ask in the call if I would MIND her sending them ...) or she thinks (or has been told) that me and D's mum are back together. I have been asked that question this very night It's not happening.

And next year. When I go home. I will fly over. And you will introduce me to both. And I will not understand a word you say. Because you speak an english that is not english

LOL ... remember that English originated from England. We actually speak Scottish up here (and some people speak Gaelic) which is a WHOLLLLE different language.

And anyway, you're not from too far away from here so you will no doubt speak a whole alien language to me too I'll speak slowly ...

Anyways. Things are going to get better.

I have always known that. Even when I'm down I know it will get better. It's hard sometimes to realise when you have little hope in the one thing that you really want. Sometimes you just need a few days for the mind to process the data and provide you with the result.