Looking for Advice

[Greek]

My opinion is yes, stop confiding in the female co-worker. She will listen to you, validate you, support you, show care for you at a time when your W is NOT doing those things. That's probably exactly how your W got her A started. No wonder she got pi$$ed when you told her. Consider telling your W "W, I thought about it and I have decided it is inappropriate for me to confide in female coworker friend. I saw how much it bothered you and I agree it could be seen as inappropriate even if that was never my intention."

Greek

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Greek. I think you are right. I like your words. What is your experience on when to do this kind of stuff in-person or over e-mail/text messaging. I have always been an in-person kind of man, but reality is she is so angry at the sight of me that it has been easier to communicate over texting/e-mails. Though 25% of the time she won't even reply to me.
Love the words you provided

[Greek]

I'm an educator. When I have a student who for whatever reason tenses up when called on in class, but whose participation is necessary, I will say something like "Pete, we're on number 14 right now. I'm going to be calling on you for number 22 so get yourself together." Gives Pete time to exhale, look at 22 and prepare to be called on. Works.

Use this on W: "W, there is something that needs to be said by me to you. Things are tense with us now and I don't want that to preclude you from really hearing what I want to tell you. After we finish putting the dinner dishes away and shutting down the kitchen, I want to sit down with you and tell you."

Greek

[gutwrenching]

One more thing for all, not sure if it matters, but reading some other posts, it seems like it might. Age of W. She turned 40 right around the time she decided she's done, no more, I quit.

[Greek]

It's a tough age for we dames.
Greek

[gutwrenching]

Ok - next on my agenda is to tell her I have cut off confiding in female co-worker (will try to do that tonight). Stop being stepped on around the house, if she wants space, she can go to a different room not me. Stop accepting her treating me so nasty in front of the kids, she needs to at least be civil. GAL. Stop waiting for her next move. Keep radar up for continued EA.

Now, what is the best way to continue to show that I have changed while giving her space and stop putting up with pissy attitude? If I stay too distant, then aren't we back what got us into this mess. Me being unattentive and distant to the point where she gives up and decides she deserves more/better?

[Greek]

Now, what is the best way to continue to show that I have changed while giving her space and stop putting up with pissy attitude? If I stay too distant, then aren't we back what got us into this mess. Me being unattentive and distant to the point where she gives up and decides she deserves more/better?

GAL! That shows her that you are fab...to everyone else. She asked for space. Fine. Plenty of people who appreciate your fabulousness (is that a word?) Goodness in your Life is not dependent on Her.

Greek

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Gut,

This may sound a bit harsh, but I am a bit jaded. A bit angry you might say. You will find as I did, everyone's story is just about the same. My W just turned 40 and did the same thing. EA, maybe a PA. Don't know and don't really care anymore. Ok that is a bit of a lie, but it just doesn't matter at this point. I have told my wife, she needs to look in the mirror, own her situation and stop blaming me for how her life has turned out. I don't control you, you can only control yourself. I was just tired of hearing her say our 15 year marriage was horrible because of every reason you can imagine. I am sure you are getting much of the same. We all do on this board. But you have to look in the mirror, admit your faults, work on them. If she doesn't love you. Then you will find the right time to move on. You can't fix her and you can't make her love you again.

This will take time and a great deal of raw emotion. You will find yourself crying at the worst times. Crying to some people you don't know that well. People ask, and you just spill your guts.

It is OK. If it is what gets you through, do it. If the female coworker helps, do it. Go see a counselor. Do what you have to in order to get through it. It was eight months for me of changing, pleading you name it, I did it. A switch when off in my head a few weeks ago. It just said, it was time. Time to take control of my destiny. Take control of my kids lives. Limbo Sucks. I had enough of being walked on, being disrespected daily. I filed..

You have to save yourself before you can be there to save your kids. Based on your wifes behavior(suprisingly most spouses behavior is the same you will find) you are going to be the one who needs to be the rock for your kids.

When the day is done, you will get through this worst nightmare. As you know, you wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy.

Hopefully, she turns and says what we all want to hear, I am sorry, I was a fool, I love you so much, please forgive me. It does happen once in awhile. However, must of us end in divorce. This place helps you prepare for that.

I do wish you the best.

[gutwrenching]

Sorry to hear that. I am not at that point yet where I can be that jaded. I am holding onto the dream, even though deep down I think my odds are low. yes I am too tired of how miserable every day of our marriage was. That's crap we all know it, but that is the cloud over her head couple with the raging hormones from the EA maybe PA. I know I haven't given it enough time, and I know I've been played. Now I worry about her and him going deep into secrecy to keep the EA alive. She's lied to me before about him, so why would she tell the truth now. The first time I accused her of something with the OM, she denied said they were good friends, don't drag him into it. Then she says she called him and told him everything and he wants nothing to do with it. Guess what, supposedly they've gone cold turkey cause now that I've threatened his career and his M, he wants out of this and not be in the middle. Truth or not, I don't know.
I know I've never seen my W so mean, cold, bitchy, evil. I know I've never seen her focus so little on the kids and now she tells me that she is pissed that I have become Superdad. I did stand up to that one and tell her I either became superdad or let them suffer because you haven't focused on them in a while.

I doubt my sitch will last 8 months. In june or july, we both have to move together or apart. We are either still working things or one of us has filed. We have to move across the country. My timeline is shorter, good, bad or indifferent.

[rockedworld]

GW,
It is ok to still hang on to the hope for your marriage. When I was at your point in my sitch, I tried to look at it from a point of realistic optimism... in other words, there was a good chance this M would not last due to my H's choices at the time, but I still held out hope. And, so I did whatever I could to help/save the M. Yes, you setting boundaries and doing what you need to do for you and the kids will make her angry for ahwile. So what? She'll get over it. And, if you are being a fabulous dad, GALing, doing 180's and making yourself "the better option" in the meantime... her heart just might start to soften toward you again. But the boundaries are crucial because you want that softening to be coupled with respect!
You are doing great... hang in there... remember your kids need one of you to be mature about this and do what is best for this family. That would be YOU! And, it sounds to me like you can do it!