I kind of found out what is up with him by reading the book "Couple Fits" by Evelyn Cohen. He's an avoidant (imagine that!). His personality is:
*a dodger of conflict (well, duh!) *oblivious to moods & feelings, both his own and those of others *good in a crisis *someone who likes peace at any price (sort of) *unspontaneous *a stalwart partner (solid, reliable, responsible but not intimate) *fearful of dependency *Mr. Nice Guy (very charming but no emotion in his words) *often a great success in his chosen career *in need of lots of praise *often passive agressive and/or sarcastic *unconscious of past hurts (don't deal with it and feelings go away) *therapy challenged *slow to love (doesn't believe that love will last so makes very careful choices of who to love, but faithful to one and only love)
Best way to handle an avoidant:
*Drag your partner in on the 'small stuff'. Keep making an effort to get him to sit up and take notice because the 'small stuff' has a cumulative, negative effect. *Press for action, not analysis. A little analysis probably goes a long way with your avoidant partner. Push the underlying emotional issues, talk about your feelings, or motives and you may run into a brick wall. But you can get a lot more of what you want or need simply by focusing on actions and going light on analysis. *Don't back your partner into a corner (at least not very often). While he is capable of complying with a specific request for action it is often with a certain amount of anxiety or feeling put upon. If he starts feeling backed into a corner, the only way he can come out of it is by fighting. *Don't resent having to be the initiator *Don't Hero Worship
For the avoidant:
*When angry, annoyed, or in conflict with your partner, say so *Give your partner signs and signals of appreciation *Try at odd moments to define your partner's mood *Become aware of your inclination to hear suggestions as criticisms *Say to yourself regularly "my partner is a true friend"
This book "Couple Fits" has given me great insight as to how my h thinks and why he's acting the way he is. Now I just have to use what I know!!!! Somehow? I want to give my h the book to read!
For your info: the other personalities in the book are Secure and Ambivalent. This book is great because it shows you what the different personalities are as couples, gives conversations and in depth description of the interactions of the couples: how they fit together and what they can do to make a more comfortable fit. Very, very helpful!
The part about him not knowing his feelings or other's feelings indicates the reason why he wants me to pursue then doesn't want me to pursue. He really doesn't know what he feels! Like you said stick with the book and going with that is my best bet.
Thanks for your help.
Cindy.
PS> let me know if you'd like the quiz for the personality types...I could email to you personally.
