It's automatic when you feel it

[Young at Heart]

"Letting her know how you feel" is easier said than done. I have not heard from a single person here who was the "low-desire spouse" and really understood what the "high desire spouse" was going through. If you read through the stories of the "LD spouses" who put their marriages back together here, they consistently talk about a time when they finally really came to understand how much the HD spouse was suffering. Until that epiphany came, they were convinced that their HD spouses were making a big deal out of nothing...

...For my wife it was several discussions into The Sex-Starved Marriage when she finally started to get it. She broke down in tears that were somehow different than all the floods of tears before. At that point, it isn't just the realization that you've been suffering and tormented for years, it's also the realization that they've made it worse by dismissing your feelings and denying that your suffering is real or important.


The "Flannel Shield" is another matter and will take a lot more work. It's a matter of her comfort level, and that's going to be one of the last things that gets any better.

...Even if this all works well, you should still expect a period of awkward, fumbling attempts at intimacy that don't go well. Just laugh when that happens and keep going. There will probably be times, too, when you should pass on sex, but whether out of desperation or determination, will try to forge ahead. Just laugh it off and keep going.


...You may not end up doing things exactly this way, but my point is that we found an accommodation that lets us meet halfway.

...(this is important) she has shown me that it's not some kind of personal rejection or a rejection of sex when she puts on something warm to sleep.

Thanks for your comments, experience and advice.

I am not sure if my breaking down last night may have shown her how badly I was hurting or not. I know it wasn't stagged and I had absolutely no control over myself when it happend. If it is my wife's epiphiny, that will be great. If not, I hope it will come at some future point in time. And I will lighten up on the pressure I have put on her.

Thank you in particular for the advice on what to do when and if sex ever happens again. I am actually afraid of the time she may say she wants to have sex with me and how I will respond.

Since I was the one who stopped having sex with her, I still have some deep scars from the rejection that caused me to end it. This past five months of no sex and her not touching me has also left me feeling unloved. Even though I have felt unloved, I have expressed my love for her in a variety of ways the past two months that she has excepted and appreciated. She has commented a number of times that I am doing things to show her my love for her that she never thought would be possible.

I will try to laugh at any fumbling and such if I ever get the chance again for sexual intimacy. I will also tell myself that her in lingerie is probably a 40th or 45th wedding anniversay gift from her, if I am lucky.

Thank you.