Quote: Why does he want YOU to change? And what does he want you to change?
I believe he sees me as the source of all the conflict. He's such a big avoider that solving problems seems to him like a reproach. He wants me to stop expecting stuff from him that he can't give like hugs, ILY, kisses, partipation in the family, etc. He says when I start to demand things instead of waiting he gets upset. I've been waiting patiently for 7 years and he has not done the things I want consistently.
Quote: I am no expert, but it seems like this is a circle and someone has to step out or stop the madness.
It's definitely a circle of madness! One that is still very active.
Quote: That I couldn't change my H, oh I had tried, but it didn't happen, instead he found someone else.
Yes, I've tried so many things over the past 7 years but to no avail. I'd get some reaction out of him but nothing sustained. The book Couple Fits says that this avoidant personality will always avoid deep issues turning the responsibility for the problem back on the other person. The avoidant just does not have the ability to be truly intimate...it's more of a mental intimacy with charming words but no emotion.
Quote: So don't leave any more messages...pursuing. Call someone else do something else. It's hard to do at first, but H will call, and then it does get easier once you realize that even if you don't call eventually H will call you. He's going to wonder what's up if you don't call, especially since you have been so much.
TOO LATE! I already left him a message about meeting me tonight. He said no that whatever I needed to give him I could give to him on Tuesday at our kids' soccer game. I said ok quite cheerfully then ended the call quickly saying I was very very busy, had to go. I'm going to give a copy of the pertinent pages from the book Couple Fits. I wonder if he'll read it? Maybe not or maybe...we'll see.
I'm not sure why I keep fighting so hard for something that it seems like he no longer wants. I know divorce is not the answer but my h is convinced it is and that is hard to try to change. I guess what consoles me is that he doesn't sound very happy at all.
