my W doesn't regret her affair

[futureunknown]

musclegal, welcome to the board, and thanks for commenting on my situation.

I've been thinking similarly to what you're saying and it has been weighing on me heavily as of late. I am grieving what I'd LIKE to have, not what I did have, because my M was not very good in many ways. My W does appear to have grown, but she is still selfish and immature, no doubt. She is more kind and patient now though, and her attitude toward life is better. Is there too much damage in our R to ever mend? I don't know. I was interested in putting my heart back on the line to find out, but now I'm not so sure.

It doesn't seem right that she's got so much of your mind. Whatever time or attention she didn't get before, seems she is getting 15 fold now--but she doesn't even know it. So, its worthless and a waste of YOU.

Thanks for this. I agree completely.

It seems to me that the GAL stuff/DBing stuff is designed to focus us on ourselves. If it works at getting the WAW or WAH back, then great. But if not, life is too short to spend so much time thinking/planning how someone else is going to react to you.

Again, I agree completely. I'm glad I put that line in my e-mail to my W about "life's too short for this nonsense", because it is. Going to that basketball game a couple weeks ago and having a blast with my kids and friends showed me I don't need my W to have a warm fun time with my kids. As I've said many times, it's really the kids that have me so dedicated to saving my M. Not that I don't want it, I do, but I know I'd be okay without it. Them, I'm not so sure.

Best book I've read in a long time is How to be an Adult in Relationships (David Richo). One line struck me, and helped me to let go. "Does the partner of your distress say, I know what you need. I'm not going to give it to you. Don't leave me"? My H (soon to be XH) doesn't want me to let him go. He wants to keep me there for when he crashes. But I decided I want a mutually fulfilling and respectful relationship, not one where I'm erased and he's larger than life. Funny, since I made this decision internally, he is showing me lots more respect and is trying to be kind. But he hasn't done any of the work he needs to do to have a grown up relationship, so if/when he does crash, I don't think I will want him.

Funny, since my W is a professional marriage and family therapist, she KNOWS a lot of the right things to do. She says a lot of the right things, but she's just as suceptible to her emotions getting in the way as anyone else is. Sounds like by finding and holding your own self worth, your H is noticing your worth too. I too am finally realizing I'm worth more than what my W is giving me.

Don't know if that will help you, but seems like you've done everything you can for a really, really long time...I can't help but think that if you do go to a party on New Years, you should do it for YOU. And if you want to stay home and watch a movie by yourself, do it.

My plans for New Year's will definitely be for me. I might give the impression here that I do things as some sort of strategy to see how my W will react, but I rarely do. I do try to guage her reaction though. I'm doing fine living my life for me now. I miss my old family life, and I miss my kids when I don't see them, which is over half the time, and I miss my W too. We really were good friends and coparents. I wanted more, but she saw no hope, gave up, and chose to leave.