I strongly suggest reading "not just friends". It has wonderful information on how to heal from A.
"Boundaries" by cloud has great information. Instead of giving her ultimatum's, you give clearly communicate what you will and will not accept in your relationship. You can not control her, but you can control how you react/respond to irresponsible behavior.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
