I feel as though I messed up so bad! He won't return my calls, doesn't want to see me. I think it's over and there is nothing I can do . I want to see him so bad, to at least get comforted by him but I know he won't.
Quote: Both you and your H will start feeling better right away when you go on total abstinence from coaching and advising.
I realize now too late probably that I need to do this! I guess now I can only hope and pray that he will come back around.
I'm so sad that I f****d this up like this! But he was so unclear...the more I asked what I could do better the quieter he became. Was I just suppose to GET what he wanted? I'm so po'd today because I feel as though my hands are tied behind my back. I can't persuade him to call me!!! What should I do?
He comes tomorrow to pick up the kids. I'm afraid to see him. He'll so act like he doesn't want me and maybe that is how he really feels! It's so hard for me to understand how it can just be over like that when he was just 2 weeks ago saying he wanted to be married to me. I know feelings can't change that quickly but he sure acts like they have! This is difficult to say the least.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I'll check it out.
Gosh, it's so hard to sit and wait!!! I want to call him. But you are right he needs time to think about all that was said to him by me and his mother. I'll practice self-control and leave him alone for a bit.
I'm not expert on this, but patience is the key and backing off. If you are there when he picks them up today? Then be upbeat and pleasant, act like you have plans. When you're acting desparate and needy they know it and don't like it. He's going to do what he wants to do, the only person you can control is yourself.
I used to cry and be sad when H would come to visit son, but eventually I got sick of acting so wimpy, so was determined to show him I could be happy without him. And that it wasn't all about H!
The way he keeps changing his mind he really doesn't know what he's doing.
Hey Cathy! I was disappointed not to chat with you last night but glad you got around to me this morning .
I met him this morning to 'exchange' the boys and he just wanted to linger. I mean he was in no hurry to go. I came to the meeting dressed to the 9s, looking hot, showing some belly! He looked and looked, didn't say anything but watched me. I finally had to end it by getting in my van since he was in no hurry to go and I was afraid he was going to say something ugly! As I got into my van, I caught him watching me.
My last message to him was an invite to go camping this coming weekend. He hasn't said NO and he hasn't said YES. So I'm hopeful.
I found this excellent book called 'Couple Fits' and found out what our personality types are. He's an avoider (imagine that!). The book describes him as unaffectionate, gruff, avoids talking about issues in depth by turning it back to me (wow)...but the book was excellent in that it had solutions on how to deal with this type person. Main one: DON'T PUSH BUTTONS!!! Also would help not to push them into a corner by giving suggestions. You've got to get it! I think it will give you some insights about your H's personality. It gave me a whole new perspective on how to deal with him and how he views my r talks.
I guess I'm tired too and that is pushing me to act needy! I so want to call him again today just to hear his voice...but what stops me is that he'll most likely say something real ugly.
I'm just going to have to wait him out and pray, pray that he comes around. Today when I went to church the pastor's sermon had a point that though we may not believe our troubled situation has changed we should remember that God doesn't sleep and He's always at work...working for the good of those who love Him. That's so encouraging...that God is working, I may not see anything right away but I should be grateful for the silence because I can be sure that something amazing is in the works. God's hand is in it. That is so comforting!
I look forward to reading your email this evening. I'm trying to stay busy while my sons visit their dad by visiting friends and getting out of the house today. I'm at the library right now. I hope you are having a good day! I can't wait to hear what is up with your h today!!!
It seems like you have a lot threads all over so I'm wondering if you'd provide a recap of your sitch, i.e., age, children, how long this has been going, when you found about OW, etc.
I really get the feeling he's still interested, but not sure. It'd be nice to have your history here, for everybody's sake. All the signs say he is..but then I'm no expert either. A lot of bouncing back and forth on his side anyway.
A recap: M 7 years, together for 13, Me: 32, H: 35, 2 boys 10 & 11. I moved out because can no longer stand his ignoring the kids and I; he doesn't hug us or say ILY, not involved with kids at all. I move out in October 02. One day I found condoms in his gym bag he gave no explanation so I filed (he'd had 1 affair) in Nov 02. H moved out Dec 02. After moving out he doesn't call or try to sleep with me...we have lots of fights about how secretive he is though he asks me many questions.
At one point he threatened to leave our kids in the middle of nowhere if I didn't pick up so he could to a New Year's eve party. I say I want the D he says no because he knows he has issues but is not ready for things to end.
He attempts a couple of dates with me about one per month, I can't seem to be satisfied since he makes no declaration of reconciliation just pops over every once in a while at the house and sleeps with me. Apr 03 I've had enough so I push the divorce we meet with lawyer and draft final.
He begins to date OW, I don't know this. In May I have a change of heart he sleeps with me. While he's on vacation in Ohio he gives me keys to his place to water plants while there I find a note to OW he wrote night after he slept with me. The letter says he loves her and wants to be with her. I call him in Ohio and confront him then confront her. They both say they are not sleeping together...OW leaves picture after finding out I'm sleeping with him still.
He comes back into to town threatens to call police if I don't return his letter to OW. I return, tell him I love him, can forgive him...he says this is not what he wants right now (I take that to mean marriage). I distance.
He calls 4th of July weekend after he finds out I'm moving away. We go out the entire weekend, ml, talk, he says he loves me. Later that week he becomes angry because he felt like I singled him out when I ask him not to not call my work cell phone. Doesn't tell me he's mad but I figure it out when he tells me that he plans to date and that it is ok if I sleep with other people. We break up.
On our 7th anniversary Aug 6 he asks me to dinner says this time it will be different, he knows what the problem is and is willing to change. I say this time it will have to be different since we have been at this point before..he says ok. We ML, we talk about moving in. A week later he says he can't, it doesn't feel right so I go away AGAIN. Labor day weekend we go camping as a family, he says he had a good time. We go out a couple more times. He goes to Ohio for a week doesn't call me all week nor do I him. Comes back asks me to lunch, says he wants to be married, that I will need to impress him this next couple of weeks so he can change his mind. Says we should be able to do it since it has been a year. I thought we had agreed to certain things but 1 week goes by and no calls from him. I finally call and get 'are you done, I got to go my show is on'. Hang up, again silence for 4 days I call again and the same thing. No calls over the weekend, Tuesday I see him ask about when would be a good time to call...he says not any night since he and his neighbor lady friend watch TV together every night...we fight and he's so mad he physically recoils from me. I call Friday night no reply. I call again Saturday ask if he'd like to go out and he doesn't call me on my mobile but tries my parents house where I am not at. We don't get together so I call him Sunday morning and he says it's over. He doesn't want to see me has lunch plans...I say doing what he says none of my business because if he wanted me to know he'd tell me. He says he is tired of waiting for me to change and wants the D. I try to discourage him from it saying I'll file a dismissal he's says I better not cause he's not going to pay for it!!! I say I don't want the D he's says so.
So this past Tuesday I saw him again and I was NO r talk, lots of touching and talking about mundane things. He gets ready to leave and I ask for a kiss goodbye he says NO and no sex either. He wants to know when i can get his final divorce decree for him. I say he's not getting that because a d is not what I want. If he wants it he can get his own lawyer and file. He's NO he's not paying any money for a d...not after all I spent. So he says he'll get his mom to do it. I say she won't help you she doesn't agree to the d. He leaves in a huff.
He calls his mom and she asks him if this is what he wants he says yes. She says are you sure and he says I guess. She says that you won't be leaving these problems they'll go with yo to the next R. He says I know but he's tired of fighting with me. She says well if you want to be unhappy in your m then don't change anything. She asked are you going to counseling he says no because my w will not change so what is the point. The next day he calls my lawyer multiple times throughout the day asking for his divorce papers.
So now we are here...he doesn't want to call me or see me. I've left messages but have gotten nothing. I saw him today and he just wanted to look at me, hang out there as we exchanged our kids but didn't say anything. Just looked at me. I finally was the first to leave because I was scared he'd say something awful.
Why does he want YOU to change? And what does he want you to change?
I am no expert, but it seems like this is a circle and someone has to step out or stop the madness.
Before this mess of mine started, I never wanted to be the one to change, I wanted H to change. Once I found out about OW well then I had a lot of time to think and decided that I wanted to change for me, that I had lost myself in this relationship and it was time for the real me to come back.
That I couldn't change my H, oh I had tried, but it didn't happen, instead he found someone else.
So don't leave any more messages...pursuing. Call someone else do something else. It's hard to do at first, but H will call, and then it does get easier once you realize that even if you don't call eventually H will call you. He's going to wonder what's up if you don't call, especially since you have been so much.
Good for you for leaving first, he noticed believe me. My H used to say a lot of ugly stuff to me, too. I used to let it get to me, but I don't anymore, I just let him say it and don't react. They're waiting for a reaction. I think it's a control issue.
Anyway, I still think there's hope. Maybe someone else here can jump in, Shiny, LL or T2--the ones who've been here for awhile.
Quote: Why does he want YOU to change? And what does he want you to change?
I believe he sees me as the source of all the conflict. He's such a big avoider that solving problems seems to him like a reproach. He wants me to stop expecting stuff from him that he can't give like hugs, ILY, kisses, partipation in the family, etc. He says when I start to demand things instead of waiting he gets upset. I've been waiting patiently for 7 years and he has not done the things I want consistently.
Quote: I am no expert, but it seems like this is a circle and someone has to step out or stop the madness.
It's definitely a circle of madness! One that is still very active.
Quote: That I couldn't change my H, oh I had tried, but it didn't happen, instead he found someone else.
Yes, I've tried so many things over the past 7 years but to no avail. I'd get some reaction out of him but nothing sustained. The book Couple Fits says that this avoidant personality will always avoid deep issues turning the responsibility for the problem back on the other person. The avoidant just does not have the ability to be truly intimate...it's more of a mental intimacy with charming words but no emotion.
Quote: So don't leave any more messages...pursuing. Call someone else do something else. It's hard to do at first, but H will call, and then it does get easier once you realize that even if you don't call eventually H will call you. He's going to wonder what's up if you don't call, especially since you have been so much.
TOO LATE! I already left him a message about meeting me tonight. He said no that whatever I needed to give him I could give to him on Tuesday at our kids' soccer game. I said ok quite cheerfully then ended the call quickly saying I was very very busy, had to go. I'm going to give a copy of the pertinent pages from the book Couple Fits. I wonder if he'll read it? Maybe not or maybe...we'll see.
I'm not sure why I keep fighting so hard for something that it seems like he no longer wants. I know divorce is not the answer but my h is convinced it is and that is hard to try to change. I guess what consoles me is that he doesn't sound very happy at all.
Well, it sounds like you haven't read the DR book?! Have you?You're pursuing your H big time1 A NO-NO! No begging or pleading. And by the looks of it NO~ML! When you read the book and start aplying the principles, then you might see results. But according to this last post you are not DBing or DRing at all!
Oop. Yes I have read DB and DR. H sends mixed signals in that he says he wants me to pursue, call him, ask him out. So I shouldn't listen to him now? Gosh, I'm just totally confused do what he says or do what DB says!
Ok, I'll remain silent...AGAIN and no MingL. I'm just so scared since we have a final divorce hearing on November 17 with a possible extension in 2 weeks. I'm afraid he'll show up at the extension hearing to argue against it! I'm trying to persuade him not to do that by calling him, asking him out, etc....but you are right this tactic has not proved fruitful only exasperating!!! so I need to try something else.
You are right, I need to go back to DBing in light of the fact that his mood has changed so drastically in the past 2 weeks...he went from wanting more contact to wanting absolutely nothing at all...I guess this is the case since he is not returning any of my calls...except for today, he did call me back . Go figure!
Thanks for your help and for pulling my head out of my backside !
. I want to see him so bad, to at least get comforted by him but I know he won't. 
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