One of the first things I started working on was Sandi2's list of Immediate 180's.
It took me a while to implement almost all them, but I did. I amended this list to my sitch and have added additional info where applicable.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
Done. Was difficult at first but got easier as I started catching myself doing it.
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse. Let her be the one to call. Then don't try to hang on to conversation. Say good-bye first.
Not Done. Irrelevant in my situation up until this point.
3. Don't raise good points in M, don't coerce her to read M/R books. i.e. Stay away from emotional blackmail.
Done. Not difficult to do since she's supposed to be an expert.
4. Do not follow her around like a puppy dog trying to get her time and attention.
Done. Easier for men to do I suppose.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
Done. This would be seen as emotional blackmail.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
Done. Only because I didn't have those resources available to me.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (neediness, clingyness) Show self-respect and self confidence.
Done. But I did do this in the early days of the bomb.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points".
Done. Firm believer in this.
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
Done. But did take advantage of some invitations from her side. Kept up "family obligations" too.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
Not Done. Sorry, no can do. Needed to do this to figure out if I was dealing with an affair or not. Even though I have not proven one, I have no regrets on doing it.
11.Do not say "I Love You"
Done. Slipped a few times though.
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
Done.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times.
Done.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood she is in or what she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do.
Half Done. I didn't feel like going out much. Not out of fear, but just didn't feel like it. We're supposed to do what makes us happy right? Well, I was happy being at home and being busy with my stuff. This has recently changed.
15.When at home with your spouse, (wait for her to start the conversation) then, be rather scarce with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
Done. She didn't open much conversations though. Too bad.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
Half Done. THIS was the MOST difficult thing for me to do. I constantly failed on this one. NOT EASY.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
Done. The problem is that recently I HAVE had an awakening.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing. (But never ask her if she has noticed any changes!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
Done. Some minor signals indicate she did notice. No verbal confirmation.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
Done. Have blown this on more than one occasion, but kept holding the line. I've recently gone into overdrive on this because I really felt like it.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
Half Done. I did well on this until I ran out of patience and went ahead an filed.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
Done. Slipped up on occasion but did relatively well with this one.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
Done. Until recently.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
Done.
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
Done. Yes it works until they come into contact with the dark side again, then FULL withdrawal.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
Done. Yeah, BTDT. Really listened. Empathized. And understood.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
Done. Yup!!
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
Half Done. Done relatively well with this except for having extreme difficulty focusing on new things because my mind kept going back to the M.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
Done.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. Done. Actions speak louder than words.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
Done.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
Done.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
Done. NOT EASY.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. Not Done. Sorry. There is a limit to what one can take. Once that limit is reached all bets are off. Then its time for FIDO.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. Done.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
Done. Dead easy without a cell phone.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
Half Done. Did this all the way until recently. No problems arose because of self-control. This depends on the person. If you're weak-willed or can't hold your liquor then its a good rule.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
