I'm getting two impressions from reading through your thread, thus far:
(1) You are pushing very hard to fix the intimate relationship IMMEDIATELY. Slow it down, man.
...if she feels like she's being pushed too hard, too fast, she's going to sit down and declare "No more...I can't do it." Be glad that she IS reading the books at all, at her own pace -- go with it.
...It takes daily, conscious efforts to try and build a new habit or life-style change: something like 30-60 days of conscious effort before it begins to feel "natural" and habitual, after which you can layer on another, more advanced habit to build. Pick one book. One. Some small change (or at most two) that you can make *today*, and focus on just that for a few weeks.
From all that I have read (and have now experienced myself) it takes about 1-2 months of effort for each year that you have been married in order to truly fix or rebuild a broken marriage. In your case, that's 38-76 months of sustained effort. So slow down, take the long view, and work on SMALL STEPS, and learn to appreciate the small steps that your wife takes. I know it's frustrating, I've BTDT, but believe me when I say that rapid, dramatic changes don't happen in real-life
(2) You posts also give me the strong the impression that your wife has a deep fear of intimacy: to the point that if she finds herself feeling drawn to you physically, she will intentionally "pick a fight" in order to once again create emotional (and "safe") distance between the two of you. You also mentioned that during those times that the two of you *have* had a pleasurable, intimate experience together, she goes into full-tilt retreat afterward -- again picking a fight in order to produce distance.
With two alcoholic parents (as you mentioned), it would be a good guess that your wife's issues with and fear of intimacy have their roots in her childhood: perhaps in abandonment, perhaps in abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), or some combination thereof. These are SERIOUS issues, and difficult to deal with, and *cannot* be fixed by reading a good book and having an "Ah Hah!" epiphany. My wife and I are both survivors of childhood abuse of one form or another, and it just doesn't fix itself overnight like that -- I wish it could be, frankly. What I would recommend is getting the two of you into counseling: professional, and well certified -- a combination of couple's and individual. And expect it to take a long time to address and HEAL (not "fix"). If I'm right, the above is not something her MD will be able to address.
In conclusion, your very male, "Mr. Fix-It," find-solve-eliminate the problem approach is quite admirable, but needs a bit of realistic seasoning to it. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Jim;
Thank you for the thoughtful advise.
You are right that I do need to slow things down. I will lighten up on the pressure I have been putting her under.
I am convinced however, to heal myself just as fast as I can and make lasting changes in who I am. Since mid August I have dropped over 20 pounds in weight and gotten in much better shape, running between 2.5 and 5 miles each workout for 3 to 5 nights a week. It has gotten a marginal type 2 diabetes condition discovered in August down into the controlled range with no outside medication, but with my doctor's approval and encouragement. I tend to throw myself into things, which is both good and bad. It is my nature, but in trying to help my marriage, I will reduce the pressure I have put on my wife.
The Five Languages of Love had a profound impact on me. For over two months now I have been trying to "fill my wife's love tank" by telling her that I love her in all of the languages of love. She has commented serval times about how much she has appeciated the change that has come over me. I think that I now understand her primary and secondary languages of love and am doing a fair job in making her feel loved for the first time in years.
As for your second point, thank you for the reference and the insight. I don't know if it is a fear of intimacy or just a fear of loosing control and changing or a combination of both. My wife is a very powerful and independent woman in someways. I know she has viewed this as a power or control issue and said so, but it could also be fear of intimacy as you say. I found her saying she wanted intimacy, but then fearing to want to be with me and fearing some of the PM exercises quite telling. I will need to think more about that.
From what I know about her and her parents, she suffered some abandonment and some verbal abuse, but no sexual abuse. I felt that her parents were cruel and manipulative people, but who on ocasion provided some love. I know that her father hit and whipped (at least once with a belt) her younger brother, but I don't think that he did that to his daughters. The abuse was so bad that her younger brother (who was adopted) had alcohol and drug addiction problems. My wife's other brother and sister have lead successful professional lives, and so I don't think they have serious addtiction problems that interfer with their lives. Her youngest brother left home prior to the end of high school and actually lived with us for a while, after he was kicked out of his parents house. He ultimately committed suicide when he was around 19 and that devistated my wife.
Thank you for sharing your BTDT experience and for sharing (in a permanent post) your summary of the four healing phases to a SSM.
While I have been pushing and will back off, my head is still spinning over last night, which I will post about in a little while. I have been pushing too hard and I need to view this as a marathon and not a sprint.
Thank you again.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
