Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

One more question: Xmas gifts...what do I do. I have a pair of nice diamond stud earrings...that was my plan before any of this happened. I know (because of all my checking on other stuff) she bought me a pretty nice watch that i will really like. Not as expensive as the earrings, but I guess similar kind of item/gesture. If I give her something nice, will that just set things backwards in the wrong direction even more? I can return them and I could even include a note that if she is not in a place to accept/want/wear them that I will return them.

Thoughts?

[gutwrenching]

Yes, it took both of you to get to this place, but she had the EA and she needs to be remorseful about it. Not about getting caught......sorry about having an EA.

Deep down it is in her that she is remorseful. About 2 weeks ago on a Sunday (after limited contact with OM on weekend), she was in a lot of physical pain and I massaged her shoulders. The tension was causing a headache. After a bit of this, she leaned into me to be held and I did. I made a commment that she deserved to feel better than this and she shook her head adamanatly no and just about started crying and let me hold her a long time. I clearly know why now, deep down, repressed, she knows she did wrong...it just needs to surface instead of plotting how to keep things going (which is what I suspect is still going thru their brains).

[gutwrenching]

I have read time and time again on this forum that the WAS have to experience the crisis of potentially losing the LBS to spark them into action. That is the same scenario that launched the LBS into action, right? The WAS need to really feel that they don't have you in their back pocket as a fall back option anymore. This is why boundaries, GAL and loving detachment are the foundation of DBing.

This is a problem. She knows I am a fall back option. I discussed it more less when talking about boundaries and she then said this is between you and me. I agreed and said I am willing to work on our M and see if we can get there...she might not be able to get back and I might not be able to get past the EA...but she knows I am willing to work and try and that I want it to work out.

[gutwrenching]

QUESTION: To Sandi, Greek, or anyone else with experience. Consensus seems to be that the EA is not over despite what she says, just deeper undercover. how do I know, what do I do? It will be easy for them to communicate throughtout the week on work phones and work e-mail that I will have no access to. Things like Yahoo instant messenger are also harder to track for the weekends.

Any advice?

[Greek]

Check on the things you can. The rest of it - her work email, a second phone, work phone - you're just going to have to let that go. You don't have access to it. I was surprised, actually, to read what Sandi wrote about the A going deeper undercover. I'm sure she knows more than me - but I was thinking you had busted the A pretty good. At any rate, you definitely do need to keep your radar up - to protect yourself.

But really, all that is only a part of what your energy needs to focus on right now. You need to be so busy GAL, getting fabulous, being the man you want to be, that you scarcely have the time to check behind her. Build yourself up for your own sake. This is what matters the most - the growth.
Greek

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Greek. You have a ton of credibility too, as well as Sandi. So who knows, maybe I did bust it, maybe it goes deeper undercover. About the only "signs" I can think of watching for is her attitude and attention. When she was in the throws of the EA, she stopped paying attention to our kids and worked extra late hours (because she was wasting so much of her day communicating with the OM and yes I told her this when I exposed the EA...told her she was unfocused on home, work and family and that it was destructive on all fronts). That and attitudes. During the EA, she had good days and bad days. Now we just have rage. So I guess if we go back to up/down -- ie very moody, then maybe that is a sign.
Last night she actually paid attention to the girls, no kidding gave them her focus, for the first time in at least 6-8 weeks.

Any thoughts on the Christmas gift?

[Greek]

Any thoughts on the Christmas gift?

Definitely assist your children in choosing/purchasing gifts for their mom. That's for sure. As for a gift from you, you might consider getting a 'family gift' ~~~~ something from you that is for everyone in the family. That way you have remembered her with a gift but it's not personal. Another idea - does she have a hobby (reading, gardening, sport...?) You might get her a little something for her hobby - nothing over the top - but something that says "I see you, see that you love [hobby], I support you in it."

Greek

[gutwrenching]

One more question - Do I openly check on the things I can. In other words, last night W left phone out, told me she took off the password, and told me to check it whenever I want. Heck, I know there is one thing I want to check - that is the yahoo instant messenger which I know W and OM were using and know what their screen names were (I don't think I told the W I know this). Or do i check more casually when she is not right there in the room?

Please keep pounding me on GAL, fabulous, etc. I have started going back to the gym. That was a good first step for me. I am lifting weights again for the first time in about 10 years. I plan on getting my body back into the condition it was in my 20s and I really don't think it'll take that long. I'm still thin and in good shape, just need to build the muscle back up.
I appreciate the support, I know I need it. I don't have much of a support network here. My W was my best friend (isn't right now, I realize that). We used to joke about being isolationists because we spent so much time together and so little time with others.

We work together, so all friends are mutual. One mutual friend (female who is much closer to her than me) knows we are having rocky times and knows W plans on leaving but I'm sure has no idea about the EA. I have considered talking to her in the past, but haven't, and probably shouldn't.

Other than that, all of our friends think things are fine and we continue to play the game and be a good "public" couple. So this forum is my only place for sanity checks, to vent, to discuss, and to get people to smack me upside the head. So thanks to every single one of you, it means a ton to me.

[Greek]

If she's leaving the phone out, chances are pretty good that there is nothing on it. It's when they hide it that you gotta wonder. I think if you check it in front of her, it's .... something... not sure of the word I want here.... I guess degrading... and for both of you. Check it in a way that preserves your dignity and doesn't poke at her, too.

Do not talk to the mutual female friend about this. First of all, it is not wise for you to lean on a female at this time. I believe it is inappropriate. Second of all, this will be seen by your W as you gathering allies.

Gym is a great idea. Look for a running club or a riding club or some group that does what you like to do. New friends doing what you like to do will be a great distraction and outlet for the new fabulous you.
Greek

[gutwrenching]

Greek - one thing i should divulge and ask for your advice. The only person who I have talked to is a female co-worker. My wife knows I have talked to her and that really pissed her off. I have ZERO bond with co-worker, no feelings at all. Do I need to stop that. Do I need to tell W I won't do it anymore.
Thoughts?