One day at a time....

[pearlharbr]

Sorry, Rocked, I feel like I'm always writing novels on your thread! Just trying to help.

First off, last year I just sent cards to my family and friends, no newsletter or notes. I did it because I love sending out cards and I didn't want BF to take that from me too. So if you don't feel like doing them, don't bother!

I highly recommend those books. I seriously wouldn't have gotten through this without them. Even if your H isn't willing to read them or do the exercies they would be invaluable to you. NJF explores what each person goes through, the cheater, the cheatee, and the OP. The ATA exercises explore issues that you may have never discussed before and never realized how they affect your R.

I think a specific transparency plan is a necessity. It's about establishing your boundaries and the consequences for breaking them. If your H says he wants to work on the M then he should have no problem with it. If he balks then he's hiding something. Yes, he may be a private person but he forfeited that privilege and has to earn it back. Make him work for it. If you don't, you may always be wondering what he's up to and that's no way to live.

Regarding the pursuing, you're right that it's different in piecing than actively DBing. But I don't think it's good to abruptly stop one and start the other. Of course it's good to show your H that he's a priority in your life but don't go overboard. Remember that you still need to work on loving detachment and that you are responsible for your happiness and no one else's. There is a balance to strive for. I am dealing with the same issues. I sometimes wonder if I should make plans based on BF's schedule or just continue to do my own thing. If it's something I think he may be interested in then I invite him. If he declines I go anyway by myself. And I have gotten way better at not letting BF's moods throw me off. I can tell when he's pissy but not saying anything. Now I choose to ignore it and keep doing what I'm doing because he knows that he needs to speak up and ask for what he wants.

Yep, being the mature one sucks big time. It's not fair. But it's what you sign on for when you decide to work on it. Sigh. And believe me, I resent the hell out of it too.

Sometimes I think that this whole piecing process is too hard for me and I'm not 100% convinced that we will make it through this. But I haven't reached my breaking point yet so I keep plugging along.

You're doing great, just don't lose any of that personal growth you've achieved.