OK, so S may be playing you against her. Or he may be playing BOTH of you against the other. First, he's confused and hurting despite what he says. Second, he is still your son.
So, is there really anything different? Oldest S is talking to your W - HIS M - NOT a surprise. His comments, yes, they are disturbing, but put yourself in his position. Like you, he didn't ask for this either. Be guarded around him about what you say/do. But be his father. Set an example of strength and honor.
Your sitch is pretty bitter, and your W's conduct is inexcusable. At some point, however, your boys, including your oldest, WILL see what is going on, and they will have some very negative feelings about your W b/c of it.
So, what control has your W taken back really? And why are you willing to give it back to her?
