Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Well, I have much to tell.

Road trip was great, first day was great, then last night my sister did something stupid. There was a photo of W and I on a table in family room, Sister was a bit tips, and took said pic, and placed it in a drawer-oldest son saw it, and immediately ran to his room.

I told him I was sorry, and he just mumbled something, and asked to be alone.

I overheard him talking to his M, tellin her things we had talked about, basically telling her that he was playing me, to get what he could out of me. Him and his M are more like best friends than M-S. Not sure how to handle this, as I didn't realize they were that close. I guess he had been acting the whole time-I dunno.

So, W texts me, that she is starting to hate me, changed the locks on the house, Said she thought it was funny that I thought there was someone at the house when I took boys to get the pillow. Here's the deal, we went by the house Sunday am, to get oldest S a pillow-about 0730. When we pulled up, there was a big truck with a post decal parked right in front of my house. Now my W is NEVER up that early on Sunday, but there she was in the back yard messing with the pool pump, and says to the boys-you scared me. She heard us pull up and heard the doors slam, not sure where OM went to.

She wouldn't let youngest go to her bedroom, but door was open. Boys were inside about 5 minutes and we left. I got pretty emotional, and pulled over and called a friend to talk to, then we hit the road.

My oldest S told her about this last night when he was upset, and she texts me telling me that it is nice that I think she would sleep with someone in OUR house. I know he was in there, and I took pics of the truck, so I could do more research later.

Now my oldest S and I have this uncomfortable vibe around us, and I am just not sure what is really going on with him anymore.

Youngest S is fine, although is scared to go back home, because oldest S told M that youngest S told me some things. It just is getting messy.

My W it seems is back in control, and again, I feel like I have done something wrong.

Things just aren't going the way I anticipated.

[MichelleLT]

She's putting the kids in the middle.

Don't go along with it. Don't ask for info from them. Don't tell them things. Be strong for them.

Sounds like you need to have a talk with them, individually. Something along the lines of they don't have to choose, they are your kids, you will love them always. And be extra careful from now on about what they see and hear. Especially your oldest it sounds like.

You are in control of you. She is in control of her. And the kids are in control of themselves. Especially your oldest since he is old enough to feel justified in making his own decisions.

You can only control you and your reactions.

Use this as a chance to show them how a man acts. Use this as a chance to talk to them and forge a closer bond with them if you can.

[SoldierDad]

LT, she also texted me and said that after the 28th, that she would have them, and she was basically going to make it impossible for them to speak to me-of course I forwarded that to my L, along with the rest of the stuff she keeps telling me.

I just feel like my oldest had this in mind the whole time-not sure though.

My W is really starting to play nasty, and she does things to hurt me in the worst way. I NEVER respond to her nastiness, but she know that it hurts me, that's why she keeps doing it.

[MichelleLT]

Oh, a few more thoughts.

Good for you on the documenting. Get that to your L. Also what she said about changing the locks. That's technically your residence, and I know in CA that could cause some big legal problems for her.

When you calm down, might be necessary to say something to her about putting the kids in the middle. I'm not entirely sure, probably want to wait and see how some of the guys dealt with their WAWs. You can't actually control what she says to the kids, so that makes it difficult to set any boundary. But you can tell her that you feel it is immature/irresponsible to put the children in the middle and that you want to keep things as normal for them as possible, keep their best interests in mind. Whether she goes along with it is, of course, up to her. If she doesn't, it's more ammo for your L though.

[MichelleLT]

The kids are torn. She's playing off their emotions. She's manipulating them. It's not right.

You can control how you interact with them though. So make what time you do have fun and memorable. Set a good example for them. They will appreciate your stability and your honestly in the long run.

She is trying to get a reaction out of you. DON'T react!!!!!

When she doesn't get an equally nasty reaction from you for long enough, she will get tired of it. She doesn't KNOW that it hurts you, she is trying to make you feel some of the pain she is experiencing.

She is taking out her own misery on everyone else.

Oftentimes the nastiest stuff precedes a slow rise to more civil interactions because she will have exhausted those emotions, and your civil reactions back to her will set an example for her.

[givingitmyall]

SD,

OK, so S may be playing you against her. Or he may be playing BOTH of you against the other. First, he's confused and hurting despite what he says. Second, he is still your son.

So, is there really anything different? Oldest S is talking to your W - HIS M - NOT a surprise. His comments, yes, they are disturbing, but put yourself in his position. Like you, he didn't ask for this either. Be guarded around him about what you say/do. But be his father. Set an example of strength and honor.

Your sitch is pretty bitter, and your W's conduct is inexcusable. At some point, however, your boys, including your oldest, WILL see what is going on, and they will have some very negative feelings about your W b/c of it.

So, what control has your W taken back really? And why are you willing to give it back to her?

[armywifevampi]

i feel the same way ... that my H should suffer some how with what hes making me go throw ...but i havent done nothing yet ...

to make him suffer why dont realy know i guess i feel hill get his some how by not talking to him and not giving him my attention ...

its hard not know and wanting something so bad to go well and it just dont happen ...

i feel sometimes that i should do that and report him to is capt. but something right know tells me not to i guess when im ready i will do something ...

even thow hes done me so much harm with his mouth ... in not wanting to speak about anything ...

my point is u want to see her suffer but ill tell u this she is u just dont see it .. the way u act with ur boys and the way u present ur self will hurt her with out u even know she is ....

we are not made to be as strong when it comes to taking care of some issues in life but when it comes to our pass we are and she is realizing that in her own way ...

very slowly but she is and u will see that he time will come and she will realize her mistake and weather its late or not she will suffer for what shes done to ur family ...

in her mind shes is but she will not show u that at all when it comes down to it ... u will see it soon enough but its much to soon for her to feel it so strongly right now

[SoldierDad]

gima, not WILLING, just feels like that.

She always manages to do/say something to get the upper hand-in her eyes, and sometimes mine.

I am being the better man through all of this, and will continue to be the best Father I can be.

Again, I think this is another example of me "letting go", and detaching. It's almost like I can't let her "win", even though I know nobody wins in divorce-that is what she is making this out to be. I just have to trust my L, and know that whatever happens, happens.

[MichelleLT]

You will win no matter what.

You will have your honor, your strength, your children.

She has nothing right now, except the power she thinks she has through manipulation of other people. She is looking outside herself because she can't stand to look within.

[SoldierDad]

LT, that's another thing, I have this feeling like I want to rescue her or save her, and bring her home.

These feelings come and go, and I am having a hard time processing them, as I should really DISLIKE my W right now after all she has done to destroy our M.

I hate the way she lashes out at me, and says/does all these hateful things, as she KNOWS that I am hurting.