I'm getting two impressions from reading through your thread, thus far:
(1) You are pushing very hard to fix the intimate relationship IMMEDIATELY. Slow it down, man. You're not only overwhelming yourself with all of the books and all of the new concepts, but you're also pushing your wife to join you in drinking from the self-help book "fire-hose." This is going to back-fire on you, if you aren't careful: you've already got her in a very uncomfortable spot, confronting some *very* long term, uncomfortable issues, and if she feels like she's being pushed too hard, too fast, she's going to sit down and declare "No more...I can't do it." Be glad that she IS reading the books at all, at her own pace -- go with it.
Also, each book that you've mentioned talks about some sort of "program" for making long-term, lasting changes in your marriage. And in each case, the changes begin small, with clear, measurable goals, that very, very, slowly build the "snowball" larger -- one snowflake at a time. It takes daily, conscious efforts to try and build a new habit or life-style change: something like 30-60 days of conscious effort before it begins to feel "natural" and habitual, after which you can layer on another, more advanced habit to build. Pick one book. One. Some small change (or at most two) that you can make *today*, and focus on just that for a few weeks.
From all that I have read (and have now experienced myself) it takes about 1-2 months of effort for each year that you have been married in order to truly fix or rebuild a broken marriage. In your case, that's 38-76 months of sustained effort. So slow down, take the long view, and work on SMALL STEPS, and learn to appreciate the small steps that your wife takes. I know it's frustrating, I've BTDT, but believe me when I say that rapid, dramatic changes don't happen in real-life (only books and movies), and if someone tries to emulate a rapid, drastic change in life-style, 99.9% of the time they quickly revert back within just a few months. You don't want that.
(2) You posts also give me the strong the impression that your wife has a deep fear of intimacy: to the point that if she finds herself feeling drawn to you physically, she will intentionally "pick a fight" in order to once again create emotional (and "safe") distance between the two of you. You also mentioned that during those times that the two of you *have* had a pleasurable, intimate experience together, she goes into full-tilt retreat afterward -- again picking a fight in order to produce distance.
With two alcoholic parents (as you mentioned), it would be a good guess that your wife's issues with and fear of intimacy have their roots in her childhood: perhaps in abandonment, perhaps in abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), or some combination thereof. These are SERIOUS issues, and difficult to deal with, and *cannot* be fixed by reading a good book and having an "Ah Hah!" epiphany. My wife and I are both survivors of childhood abuse of one form or another, and it just doesn't fix itself overnight like that -- I wish it could be, frankly. What I would recommend is getting the two of you into counseling: professional, and well certified -- a combination of couple's and individual. And expect it to take a long time to address and HEAL (not "fix"). If I'm right, the above is not something her MD will be able to address.
In conclusion, your very male, "Mr. Fix-It," find-solve-eliminate the problem approach is quite admirable, but needs a bit of realistic seasoning to it. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
-- Jim
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
