Ok, I'm going forward with the continuance. I decided not to make it easy for him to get the divorce. It's going to cost more money for him. I had told him if he really wanted the divorce then he needed to pay the remaining fees...well when he called my attorney he didn't offer to pay he only wanted his paperwork.
My attorney let me know that my h has been calling her office asking for the final paperwork on our d. He called multiple times she said!
I've gone ahead and asked for the continuance but we run the chance of him showing up and saying he doesn't want to be married. Well I guess if he does and the judge denies the request for an extension then the d will be a reality that I can't undo. I thought about a dismissal but then our house/equity could come into play again when he files for the d.
This is similar to behavior back in May when he was dating someone. He was in an all fired hurry to end it then too.
Ok, I called his apartment this morning to leave a voicemail. I just said that I didn't want to pretend like I didn't know what he was going by leaving a fake sounding message (mainly referring to his calls to my attorney), that I understood why he felt that our marriage was nothing other than sex and money, said I felt this way too sometimes in the past, but I felt we had some real changes made that could benefit us now. I told him I was going to counseling and for him not to give up on us and that he should hold to his plans to try individual counseling too. I told him I loved him and if he was interested I'd be at a certain place tonight if he'd like to come to join me.
Totally pursued! But from his past indications, the days prior to all this action with the lawyer he seemed to indicate that he wanted me to call him just to leave encouraging messages. I'm trying to be as encouraging as I can but I don't know if he's listening! I so want to call his work to get him to come around to not wanting the d!!!
He comes on Sunday to pick up the kids. How should I act? Should I come out and greet him? Or just have him come to the house and have the kids up front waiting with me inside? Man all this is just driving me crazy! I know why I'm fighting the d but he doesn't seem to care! Maybe I should just give in...I know the alternative is worse but if he's not wanting to see me or return my calls....I have no hope for the extension going through at this rate. He may just show up to say absolutely NOT Judge he does NOT want to be married to me!
I'm so freaking scared of being divorced! How can I see him with someone else...it will drive me mad! If I don't get anything promising from tonight or Sunday, I don't know what I'll do then. Go dark?
I don't think that this "persuit" is going to do you much harm right now. Sometimes, there are just certain things that need to be said, and you have done so. Now, I think you might just want to sit back for a bit, and see what kind of fruit this bears.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
His mother spoke to him about his wanting the divorce. She said that when she asked him if this was what he wanted he said yes and she said you have to be sure are you? And he said I guess. Well she said you can't do this unless you are really sure. He said I know. She said this is what marriage is...learning to get along with one another...you may think you'll be happy with someone else and at first you are but then the old problems come out. She asked if he'd be going to counseling he said what is the point since my w is not changing.
MIL said she didn't ask him if he was positively absolutely sure though but I guess this is good that he's wavering, kind of. Is he wavering by saying I guess I'm sure? He did tell her he's tired of fighting with me.
His mom said I need to back off and leave him totally alone...no more pressure absolutely NONE! I've got to get this right folks....and learn to seriously bite my tongue! Help me! Pray for me to hold my tongue and absolutely no more R talk!
I'm so excited that there is some light at the end of the tunnel again! But I'm scared too cause I'm so impatient!!!
If it makes you feel any better I was there, too. Couldn't keep my mouth shut and it doesn't work. Bite your tongue, bite it, bite it. Even if you think you're right about something, it's not worth it to "just be right" it's the booby prize, because all you get is to be right. You may feel better but your H won't.
As hard as it, back off and get on with your life, it's hard at first, but it gets easier, it'll make you feel better and the better you feel the easier it is to let him comments, words, reactions role off your back.
I went back and forth so many times with a lawyer, also, especially after H and I had had a hard time, but I'm no longer going that way nor is my H. Don't talk R!
It sounds like your H doesn't know what he wants. Did you say there is OW involved? Maybe she's pushing him. And your MIL is right the grass isn't greener on the other side, if he doesn't solve his problems now they'll just carry over into his next R. And, if he doesn't start shaping up do you want him back anyways?
Quote: Even if you think you're right about something, it's not worth it to "just be right" it's the booby prize, because all you get is to be right. You may feel better but your H won't.
Yes, that is it exactly! I've got to stamp that into my brain. Dr Phil McGraw says we should strive to be happy with our spouse not right!
Quote: I went back and forth so many times with a lawyer, also, especially after H and I had had a hard time, but I'm no longer going that way nor is my H. Don't talk R!
What did you do? Submit a dismissal? Or did you file at all?
Quote: And, if he doesn't start shaping up do you want him back anyways?
I'm pathetic but I'd be happy to just be with him at this point...he seems to want to change. I want him to see I'm different...he doesn't believe me because when I'm around him I always bring up the R (dumb me!)!
Quote: Bite your tongue, bite it, bite it.
I've got to go to counseling because this situation shows me that I have some definite control issues. I feel as though if I don't have a hand in how he fixes himself then he's going to get away from me. I'm still co-dependent!
Well I'm off to get a life! Dinner party tonight then dancing! I'm going to have FUN tonight! (I invited him too but he won't call though I have my fingers crossed!!!)
Have a good weekend, Cathy! I'll be thinking about you.
Girl you sound soo much like me. I've been working on this for six months now, H has been gone that long. And, it is getting easier, at first it was hard. It's a learning process, you'll be fine it just takes some time.
Oh the lawyer thing was more me. I would call and make an appt, call and cancel, call and make an appt, call and cancel, once I thought things through I'd end up cancelling my appt. So the last time I was told that this was it and since that time I haven't thought about a lawyer. My H hasn't talked about it either.
In the six months that we've been separated I have changed soo much, anyway I think I have, but there are days when H still gives me the old "you haven't changed" and it so obvious that I have that I can now just ignore him and NOT take it personally.
And keep yourself busy, it really helps. Actions speak louder than words, this is finally making sense to me, also. It didn't at first, but now it does.
I hope you're having a great time, I'm going to bed now!!
Cathy
P.S. I have a great book to read if you have time. It's by Susan Page titled "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" It was my bible for about three months. There are some really good things in there and I have a lot of highlighted sections that I refer to. Well not that I got the book out I'll quote you a paragraph:
Stop Coaching: No matter what our H is doing that upsets you, your relationship is more important than any particular behavior or habit you don't like. You husband does not need your advice, your sugggestios, your reminders, or your corrections, Give it all up , right now, cold turkey. You don't get to call all the shots in this marriage. You don't get to control your H's behavior. That wasn't in the marriage vows. Both you and your H will start feeling better right away when you go on total abstinence from coaching and advising.
