Trying LRT - Please Help!

[motherof3]

GITMA - At this point, I don't think that I am "stick a fork in it done" but am getting closer.

Smartcookie posted something today that struck a very deep chord for me. Her post from the prospective of a WAW was hurtful for me to read as I never really understood my WAH’s pain until now. Yes, men and women are different, but I feel that WAS still hurt in the same way regardless of the gender.
I have acknowledged H is/was in pain, but never fully understood. I used Smartcookie’s post to compose what I think is my H’s story. My intent was to give H this story as a sort of peace offering. It is my way of letting him know that I now comprehend to some degree his point of view. Based on my backsliding the last couple of days, I have decided to post this here before doing anything else.

So here it goes. I hope I haven’t infringed on any of Smartcookie’s copyrights.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, a man lay in bed wondering who he was and how he had gotten to this point. He is desperately unhappy and in a fog. He needed so much more from her. He tried in his own way to fix things, but the effort was to no avail. Two people co-existing. He couldn’t talk to her. She was too self absorbed. She seemed content to focus solely on the kids, work, and managing the house.

He stumbled through his days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer he could live this way. Did she not see his unhappiness? He wondered; are the kids better off with single happy parents, or with two parents that co-exist? The torment was eating him alive. What to do?

By now, he wasn’t sleeping; wasn’t eating. He was slowly dying inside. He desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, and noticed. He wanted it to be over; he wanted the pain to stop. Every time he looked at his wife, it reminded him of the pain; the pain that was consuming him. He placed his heart in a box and vowed never to take it out for her again.

She has finally noticed. There was pain for her too. He says that he is done. I will always love you he says. But I will never be in love with you again. Now she is fully awake and out of her fog. She is scared. She had no idea how bad he hurt. She thought things could be fixed. For him it came down to two choices. Stay in an unhappy marriage or start the process of ending it. He moved out and she woke up. He didn’t care. It was too late. He was numb.

She says she’ll change; she’ll do anything to try and work things out. He doesn’t believe her. People don’t change. And if they do, there is no guarantee the changes will last. He is numb. His heart is safely in that box. She tries, he watched. She tries some more, she hopes that he is watching. She is dying now. He is numb. Now she wants the pain to stop. He is numb. He wonders why things had to go this far before she would hear him. Now he doesn’t want to talk to her. He is numb. Talking to her reminds him of how much he used to hurt. At least he doesn’t hurt now. He’s numb.

She tries some more, he can see she is making changes. He is so scared to take his heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Does she know how hard it is for him? Sometimes she tries to push him. He’s doing his best. She wants more from him at times. He can’t bring himself to give more. He’s doing his best. He is numb.